Out and In with the Old

Ruby and I decided to have a Roomie Day of Fun.  After becoming roommates, great friends may, at times, spend less time doing friend things together.  Sofa time, sharing Patsy’s delivery replaces quality time spent bar hopping and dinner out on the town. 

We spent Sunday shopping-Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market and Century 21, eating yummy Ethiopian food…and well…more shopping–West 4th Street.  Ruby and I have served as each other’s sex toy consultants.  With the demise of my Rabbit Pearl (a cord problem, not dead batteries), which she gave to me as a 28th birthday gift, we decided that a shopping sexcursion was in order. 

Prior to our fun day Sunday, I conducted a bit of internet research.  So many options and imitation Rabbits.  From bullets to bunnies.  The Only product to tickle my fannie….ummm fancy was still my oldie but goodie, Rabbit Pearl, as I am unable to afford The Victor.  The Victor is a pretty little platinum pet with bands of diamonds encircling the middle of  and oblong shaft.  Though at a starting price of more than $35,000, I must leave this luxurious indulgence to Robb Report readers.

We made our way from Seventh Avenue South toward Sixth down West Fourth.  Tic Tac Toe and The Birthday Suit are my favorites, as they provide an array of pleasure (and pain if that is your pleasure) products for every desire and fetish (every girl should own a red custom fit corset, shouldn’t they?).  While Ruby was examining a pair of boyshorts…complete with attached dildo, I saw it, shining brightly and pink…a lovely, brand spanking new…Rabbit Pearl.  After leaving with our little, discreet shopping bags, Ruby wanted to stop by Cubby Hole for a drink.  I was a bit tired and needed to have my eyebrows threaded at Unique Threading.  I ran down to the platform for the F train and while waiting, turned when HE was walking down the stairs.  I had not seen him since I left NYC to live in Australia.  He saw me when I saw him.  “Frankie!”,  he said, sounding surprised, “What. What are you doing here?  What happened to Australia?  What.  What’s up?”  “Josh!  Hi!”, I said as he hugged me tightly, “Great to see you.  What great timing!  Oh, yes,  Australia; well it was great, though it was not for me.  Now Ruby and I live together in Chelsea”.  Ruby, Josh, and I worked together years ago at my first publishing job after college.  Cooper always suspected Josh as having a crush on me, though I paid no mind to the speculation, as I had been so in love with my pre-violence boyfriend.  Now I wondered if Cooper had been correct and if I would mind if he had been.  Here we were, two years later, going the same way on the same train.  “That’s funny, I live in Chelsea!”, exclaimed Josh.  We took the train two stops to 23rd Street.  As he said, this was “Funny”, though what was even funnier–he lives in the building five doors down.  I allowed him to walk me home, still amazed at our timing.  Eyebrow threading could be saved for another day, I decided as I went inside to polish off my new toy…or allow it to polish off me. –Frankie

What a drag…queen. That is.

I decided I might try the online dating thing, against Frankie’s wishes. I know, I know, it sounds desperate, right? But everyone is on Facebook and Twitter so where is the harm in a little online dating? I went on a date with this girl from Curve. Her screen name was Abracadabra. My question when I saw her profile: Can you find magic from online dating?

We emailed for the first week, started texting the second week and by the third week we were set to meet. So we did, at Cubbyhole.  The bar was packed so we slid into the booth at the back of the club and tried to talk over the crowd.

Abracadabra was extremely pretty, thin and very serious. She was a reporter for a newspaper and a part-time poet. Quite the combination. Anyways, we had Hemingway in common. I knew she liked his novels from her Curve profile and we had not yet covered literature in our discussions. I debated that The Sun Also Rises was his defining work while she was arguing that it was The Old Man and The Sea.

In the midst of our Hemingway discussion, a trannie or drag queen in a purple mini-skirt and a silver shirt named Glinda that was crammed between our table and a neighboring one joined in our conversation.

“No, no. You have it all wrong. It was A Farewell To Arms that made his career, ladies,” Glinda interrupted and then squeezed into the booth next to my date. “Oh, thank god. So are you gals here often?” she asked.

“Um…no,” replied Abracadabra, looking awkward. “We are on our first date.”

“Oh,  how adorable. And you are both so pretty. What an amazing couple you would make,” Glinda said. “So what do you do?” she asked me.

“I’m in publishing,” I replied a bit taken off gaurd.

“And you?” she asked Abracadabra.

“I’m a reporter, why?” Abracadabra replied.

“Ah, so you are both people that cling to words. Words can make or break a relationship for you,” she said.

“I suppose,” I replied. “but, it depends upon the actions that go along with it…”

“I’ll be right back,” announced Abracadabra.”Have to go to the girl’s room.”

“Ok,” I replied. Since Glinda was there we continued talking a bit philosophically about relationships that is until I got a text from Abracadabra:

Pissed. Meet me outside.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked when I went met her outside the bar.

“Only that you would rather talk to some drag queen then me!” exclaimed Abracadabra.”I can’t believe you would sit there and start carrying on a conversation with her on our first date.”

“But the bar is jam packed and you went to the bathroom…” I tried to rebuttle.

Abracadabra started crying. All I wanted was a normal relationship with someone and now I find out you are into drag queens…” she sobbed.

I was a bit confused. “Huh? We aren’t in a relationship and no I like girls. I’m not into drag queens,” I said.

Abracadabra was hysterical crying. I tried to console her but she pushed me away and then slapped my arm. Now I know when someone is acting possessive. I did date Elizabeth after all, but  this was way beyond that. This was insane.

“You know what,” I said. “You’re right. Glinda is kinda cute. I’m sorry I bothered meeting you. But I’m glad I did come because I’m going to hang out with her instead.”  I went inside the bar and bought Glinda a drink. She was good company. I suppose that’s why I think there’s no magic in online dating, but now that I hear Lindsay Lohan is on eHarmony I might change my mind.  That is if they are not back on. - Ruby.

Dr. Everything will be all right

There is nothing like visiting the gyno. Really.Unfortunately my gynecologist passed away so I had to find a new one, and fast.

The reason being there’s this guy at the gym who I started seeing and my birth control pill prescription has gone kaput.  We shall call him’ Country Club,’ and simply for the fact that he works at one. So in order to have sex, a gyno visit was a necessity.

Kerry helped me out of course. I really don’t know what I’d do without her. Have you ever met someone that just got you and knew what you were saying before you said it? Well, that’s Kerry. So when Country Club asked me out she said, “Wow. Anyone would want to fuck him. I hope you’ve got a full pack.” Of course, I didn’t. Eek!

So I told Kerry my story and after confirming that she wasn’t a lesbian, she recommended I see her gyno and called for an appointment for me, which was beyond nice.

I went to see Dr. G and you know what the visit is like…spread your legs…this may hurt…this is this…that is that…do you have a partner?….everything is fine…we will call you if anything unusual shows up in the tests. Well, Dr. G. finished by asking me back to her office.

“Everything looked great,” she said. “I’m a bit concerned that you don’t seem to have a consistent partner. Is there anything I can help you with there?” she asked and raised an eyebrow.

” Er…..no?” I answered, my mouth hanging open. Huh?

“Well, we might have more in common then you would initially think. It’s not easy out there and I know I have a kid, but I’ve never been married. My partner and I never got there,” she said

‘Is this doctor hitting on me in some sort of fucked up way?’ I thought

“Well,” she sighed. “Here is you prescription and if you need anything. I mean, advice…anything. Please call,” she said,turning away and then suddenly giving me a hug.

“Gee. Thanks. Dr. G.,” I said and walked out completely baffled, and well to be completely honest,  a bit mortified since I think she was hitting on me after looking at my, well…but I got the prescription and my date with Country Club.

I wasn’t sure I should tell Kerry, but I did. She looked kind of like she’d been hit with a baseball bat.

“No,” she said and hugged me. “I’m soooo sorry. I had no idea. I just…Well, wait a minute I don’t get it. Is that a problem?”

“Dude, I don’t care. Whatever. It’s actually kind of flattering I guess,” I replied and shrugged.

“Well, I really don’t blame her,” Kerry replied and touched my shoulder. “If I were into girls, I would be into you,” she said.

“Come on, stop it. That’s bull,” I started to say.

“For real. I’m into guys. You know,” she said looking directly at some sporty punk lifting weights. “Country Club is hot. I mean Hot! But if I were into girls…then it would be someone like you…Do you know what I mean, sweetie?” she asked, hugging me.

“Kerry, baby, if our lives were a book I think we’d be on different chapters,” I responded. – Ruby

Not gonna write you a love song

Since I broke up with Limp Dick about a year ago and started my saga back in dating I have been on more disastrous dates then I could have imagined.  Still I wouldn’t trade them in. My adventures over the past year have let me turn more corners and discover that the person I am and also that person who I want to be with has to be (let me not go all cliche on you) unique.  After all, I’d rather go on a bunch of bad dates then be as  sexually frustrated as Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Wouldn’t you?

Anyway, I recently joined a Equinox gym in dire hopes to work off my addiction to Ben & Jerry’s. I decided to try the Yoga class since it supposed to tone and help with focus, but all my mind could focus on was the instructor. Her name was Kerry. She was blond, blue-eyed and there was no way she could be into girls. Right?

We started off with a sun salutation. She did the move and then we repeated until she said stop. As I was saluting the sun she came over, smiling and winked. She didn’t say a word, but quickly slid her hand down my thigh and adjusted my legs and then  quickly adjusted my arms, slid her hands down to my waist and then walked away and went to the next person.

I felt like I had just been frisked by a seductress.

Kerry repeated this throughout the hour session. By the end of it I was soaked…With sweat, that is.

I was throwing my yoga mat in the closet with the others when she introduced herself to me. “Hi-ya! I’m Kerry! Thanks for stopping by my class today. You  know you are pretty flexible well balanced. If you would like to spend a little extra time I could go through some sessions with you so you are able to do more advaced poses. What do you say?”

“Well, I like the class, but I don’t really have the money to hire a personal trainer…” I responded.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…I meant I’d love to just show you. No cost. Just for fun,” she said.

“Oh. Yeah. That’d be cool!”

So I went back the next day and had a private lesson. It was great! I was becoming a yoga master, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of teacher. It was OK though. She was straight, had just broken up with her boyfriend, and completely out of my league so I resigned myself to making her a friend.

Then during our third lesson, after Kerry taught me to do this headstand move, she grabbed my shoulders and started giving me a massage.

“Your t-shirt is kind of getting in the way. Do you mind if I take it off?” she asked.

“Oh, I guess not. I’m wearing a sports bra,” I replied and giggled a bit.

“Oh yeah, maybe I’ll try to convince you to take that off too,” she said laughing.

“Please. You really want to see sweaty boobs,” I said laughing too.

I turned my head and her face was right up to mine. We were both laughing. Then she stopped and touched my face and smiled. I was well flabbergasted. What did that mean? Could she be interested? No, couldn’t be.

“Hey, you know. It’s late and I’m supposed to meet friends over at this Karaoke Bar around the corner,” I started. “Are you outta here? Would you want to come?”

“Sure. That sounds fun,” she said.

We met Frankie, her hot doc,  Cindy and her latest fling and joined in the signing at a table in the bar area.

“Damn. She’s hot,” Frankie said to Cindy softly after Kerry went to get us drinks at the bar.

“She’s also straight,” Cindy whispered back.

“We’re just friends,” I said.

“Friends. You want her ass!” Cindy responded. “I can’t blame you, but she’ll slap you before she kisses you. Consider this your warning. You don’t want to deal with that again.”

“You got slapped?” Frankie asked.

“I kissed this girl in high school and she smacked me. I thought she was into me,” I said. “By the next week I was dating a senior guy.”

“I thought we had lost her for good,” Cindy said laughing.

Kerry came back over with a couple hard cocktails that she said were semi-low carb. They were super sweet and super strong.

Frankie signed me and her up to sing “Love Song” by Sara Bareiles. Frankie started off the song and I followed with the next verse. We sang the song like angry lovers to each other and the choruses together. It was off the hook. We got a standing ovation from everyone in the bar, including Kerry who kissed me on the cheek after we returned to the table. – Ruby

Give Me Something To Believe In

I woke last Friday to find Ruby sitting on the couch, watching the morning news, and joined her after pouring a massive cup of black coffee.  We sat and discussed the events of the evening prior.  I knew that Ruby had hooked up with girls in the past and if she found one who could treat her in the manner which she deserves, then who cares if they did not include certain equipment; certainly not I.  After offering my blessing for much love, hot sex, and a mutual agreement designating the couch as a no fly zone, I was off to begin my day.

I had so many issues to address before leaving on my flight to Berlin that evening.  I submitted my absentee ballot a few weeks ago, now had to pack, and take my grandmother to the doctor.  She has been coughing quite a bit lately; I thought it was simply an upper respiratory infection, though she could probably use something stronger than Robutussin.  The doctor suggests viewing the lung via bronchoscopy; though this must take place while I am away…I guess mom can take her.  “Well”, begins Dr. McStupid, “Ms. McNiff, your grandmother is probably fine; this is simply a precautionary measure.  Not a thing to worry about.”  She smiled up at me and I couldn’t help but return a toothy grin.  I brought her home, “Now Grandma, no wild parties with naughty men while I am away!”, I joked.  “Oh ya damn fool, none of them are no damn good anyway!”, she replied, laughing.  I put my hand on her left cheek and kissed her right, grabbed my suitcase and told her that I would return with gifts and captivating tales from across the pond.  I bid adieu to my biggest fan and left for JFK.

One to never shy away from travel, I decided to take this business trip to the next level.  My publication was hosting our Seventh Annual International Innovative Architecture & Design Forum  beginning Saturday and ending Tuesday evening with our Avant-Garde Ball, during which, we honored the most innovative artists of the industry.   Though of course, I couldn’t stop there…I had to meet my Aussie friend Gemma for a naughty holiday and planned to extend my stay in Europe for an additional two weeks; partying jet-setter style.   We stayed two evenings at Lux Eleven, located in the middle of Berlin and fine, perhaps a bit posh, though we are worth it. 

Tuesday was incredibly exciting and action packed.  Our event was a success and Gemma was grateful that I brought her as my date and partner in crime.  Though the number of available men at this function was limited, I am a loyal friend and will share the spoils with my dearest.  As Gemma chatted up a handsome Brazilian dude, I waited at the bar for a second tasty martini.  Turning to make my way to my friend, I froze in place as I was met by one of the more beautiful sights of the evening.  “Good evening beautiful.” said the tall, brown haired gentleman with the Aussie accent and piercing blue eyes that rivaled the waters which surround Grand Turk.  “Please allow me to introduce myself; the name is James…James Michaelson.”  “Frances McNiff”, I replied, as he gently kissed my extended hand.  Why did I not feel the need to refer to myself as Frankie?  James and I walked around the ballroom of the Hotel Adlon and for a moment I forgot that I was working and had to return to my duties.  I explained that I wanted to check the status of the election at home after the event ended.  He expressed interest in this as well and we agreed to meet under the Brandenburg Gate then head over to Potsdamer Platz in search of a bar with a television. 

The moment I wished the final guests goodnight, signed necessary paperwork and found Gemma we walked over the Brandenburg Gate; seems that she suggested the same meeting place to her man from Ipanema.  Our quartet failed in our mission to find a bar where we would have access to any progress of the U.S. election, though we did manage to find an amazing lounge along the perimeter of the square–it was too early for anything important to be revealed, therefore we did the only reasonable thing we could do–become better acquainted with our respective men.  

I told James that I would drive along the Autobahn down to Munich in a week or so and he revealed that he would travel down around the same time as well to visit some friends from college.  After discussing James’ plans to move to London from Melbourne for two years and my life in New York, we shared a sweet, butterfly arousing kiss.  He and Joao walked Gemma and I to our hotel, in the early twilight hours as people began gathering outside of the bars, which we overlooked earlier during our search.  Amazingly, these people were Obama/Biden supporters CELEBRATING in Berlin!  What a great moment to be an American, an American traveling abroad…to again be proud…and hopeful.  In a land where it was said that the “rubble women” rebuilt their beloved and broken city brick by brick following World War II, I stood in a square with friends, strangers, though all with a common hope for a brighter future, much brighter than when we woke this morning.   In this group, a group of travelers from around the globe, local Berliners and Americans we shared this hope; it is in this hope that we all believe.  James took me in his arms and as he clutched me to his body swinging me around whispered, “Congratulations Frances”.

As I now look out the window of the bus, listening to The Killers’ “All These Things That I’ve Done”, I take in the German landscape and consider how much can change in only one week…change I can believe in.  -Frankie