Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, “Fuck you and your untouchable face,” and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, “Untouchable Face” on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it’s rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I’ve never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let’s call her Stalker. I’m not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta’s for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a “hot” partner that she could mother children with.

“I know most lesbians don’t want kids, but I do,” she explained. “I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?”

“Oh, well, uh, down the road,” I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, “when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on,” she said.

“Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes,” I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

“Ouch!”

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, “Ouch,” meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. “Hey, hey, stop it!”

“Come on Ruby, I know you want me,” Stalker said. “I know you think I’m hot.”

“Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first,” I said, meaning, ‘as in no way’.

She didn’t get it.

“I can give it to you sloooow,” she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

“Whhoooaaaa there,” I said pushing her back a little bit. ” I mean, for real. We might work  better as friends,” I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

“I want to fall in love,” she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. “I’ve always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me,” she explained. “Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend,” she inquired.

“I’m looking for a little bit of both,” I said and slurped down an oyster. “Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends,” I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. “Well, I’m just going to let you know up front that I’ve slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed,” she said.

“No problem, I won’t try to compete,” I said, and meant it. I don’t know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn’t do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the  next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

“Errr. I want to take things slow,” I explained. “You know that expression fools rush in and everything.” - Ruby

The Way We Never Were

It had been way too long since I had a sweet, great date.  My focus had been on Cole for way too long and nothing had come of it. I became bored of this crush that I had on him and began to sense that Sarah had wanted him much more. So I decided; she could have him.  Don’t get me wrong I still think that he is incredibly hot, though not taking it more seriously than what it is; serious eye candy during the workday

It was after this epiphany that Josh called and asked if I would like to get together.  My stomach did flutter a bit when I saw his name pop up on my caller ID; perhaps Cooper had been right and I was happy that his speculation proved to be on point.  Josh and I agreed to meet on Friday and grab a few pints at Limerick House, which is located right down the street from where we live.  Ruby was in absolute hysterical laughter after I told her that I made plans with Josh.

“JOSH?!?!  But…it’s Josh!!!”, screamed an excited Ruby, “He’s so…he’s so not who I would see you with.”

“What?  I like dorky guys; you know that.  I usually have the best relationships with guys who match my level of dorkiness”, I contested.

“Yes, I agree Frankie”, began Ruby, “though you’re so much more…you’re you and he is…Josh.”

“Yes, you said that.  And what does that mean??”, I asked, laughing.

“OK.  He is fun to have drinks and spend time with at the bar…on a platonic level.  You have difficulty with this concept, I know, but Frankie, dear, dear Frankie…you’re hot.  I know that you think you’re a dork and you are; you have one of the dorkiest personalities of anyone who I know.  You watch Jeopardy! for fun, hate air quotes, are a complete grammar snot, and listen to both Taylor Swift and Korean pop music.  BIG DORK.  Huge.  Though according to your looks;  sorry babe, a dork you are certainly not.  And hot he is not”.

“Uh, well Ruby, dear Ruby.  Thank you…I think”, I replied, “that was sweet though you know I find the dorks irresistible”.

“Well, one more thing Frankie.  I heard that his last break up set him off.  His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with someone who she met on Facebook.  He is on a mad, indiscriminate fucking rampage.  Plain and simple, our little, young dork has become quite a dog.  Please be careful.”

“Really?  That must have hurt!  Though Josh…a complete hound?  I can’t see it.”

“Yes, like no one would ever think that you know EVERY SINGLE LINE TO EACH AND EVERY EPISODE OF FRIENDS.  He is a player in dork’s clothing.”

On Friday, Josh called and asked if I would mind his friend Cary tagging along to which I replied, “Of course not; the more the merrier”, trying to hide my feelings that this did strike me as a bit strange.  I now wondered if perhaps I had been mistaken.  Eh, why am I examining this so closely.  I promised myself that I would have no expectations of this evening except to have a great time with an old friend.

The guys stopped by and we walked together to the bar.  Josh and I picked up from where we left off.  He had me laughing and we were having such a great time; such a great time that I didn’t mind that Cary tagged along.  His girlfriend, Reina stopped by after we had a few pints and the good times continued.  Josh even paid for most of my drinks, though I sneaked in a round for the group when returning from the ladies’ room (it’s simply good manners).  We were amazed that we both had lived in the neighborhood for so long and never saw each other.

By the end of the night I was exhausted though wanted the night to continue; we were having such a good time.  Outside of the bar, we said goodnight to Cary and Reina then Josh walked me to my door.

“I am really happy that we met again on the platform and tonight was super great”, he said.

I smiled, “Yes, it was fun catching up.  I am still in disbelief that we live so close.”

He started,”Well I’m going to go.  Far walk you know.”

I laughed and he asked, “Frankie could I please take you to dinner next week?”

Jeez, he even said please.  Still smiling I agreed, “Yes.  I would like that.  Tonight was good fun, Josh.  Thanks for a great evening”.

He leaned in and I could swear he was going for my lips, though at the last moment brushed my cheek with his lips, wrapping his arm around my waist and hugging me close.  Pulling away slowly, he said in a low tone, “Goodnight Frankie, I’ll call you during the week.”

“Goodnight Josh.  Be careful walking home”, I replied, joking.

Ruby was up when I came inside.  She was keeping a low profile after caring for Kerry.  If that wench made Ruby sick (via flu or heartbreak), I was going to put her in the hospital again.

“How was it?”, asked Ruby.

I thought for a moment, breathing in deeply, “Like old times…though much better.”

–Frankie

Love Sick

While Frankie was getting grabbed by blue M&Ms, I was buying a bag of M&M’s for Kerry at Duane Reed. They were her favorite and she needed them.

It had been a busy week. I had been swamped at work, was lining up dates from that night of speed dating for the weekend and next week. I was on the phone with Cloe (who was making me turn three shades of pink), when I ran into Kerry (or rather she ran into me literally) while entering Equinox.

“Great so I’ll bring the whipped cream. Yummmmm. So next Sunday, is good then? Great. I’ll see you,” I was saying to Cloe, and opening the door to the gym when Kerry slammed right into me from behind. My gym bag flew into a nearby bush.

“Ladies first, hot stuff,” Kerry said shoving past me and teetered by me.

“Uhhh. Sorry, Cloe. Yes, Sunday. I’ll call you back,” I said while recovering my bag and hung up. What the hell was Kerry doing here now and what was her problem. She was here on her day off? Had they switched her schedule? She had nerve. Who did she think she was shoving, anyway?

I caught up with her in the locker room. She looked half-cocked and was standing by the sink swaying. “You know, you don’t have to be such a pushy bitch,” I quipted.

“Baby, baby. I miss you,” Kerry said softly and smiled and planted a kiss on my lips, throwing her arms around me. Her lips were soft and warm and she smelled like powder.

I was tempted to just stay there with her soft arms wrapped around me. I pushed her away. She was completely unbalanced and once I realized she was going to hit the ground like a rag doll, I scrambled and caught her. “Shit, what is wrong with you?”

“Wrong?” Kerry said. “Oh, what could be wrong? I have you. I have Greg (her boyfriend). I have everything,” she said giggling and tried to kiss me again.

I put my hand over her mouth. “You don’t have me.” Her face was flushed and her head seemed hot. I put my hand on her forehead. “You are burning up,” I said to Kerry. “Are you sick?”

“Sick, sick, love sick,” she said, trying to plant another kiss on me. “Will you take care of me, my love? Maybe we should go in there,” she said and motioned suggestively toward the bathroom stall.

“Yes, you are very sick,” I said and shook my head. “Come with me.” I brought Kerry out to the front of the gym and asked the manager if Kerry had been sick. He took one look at her and asked me if he should call an ambulence.

Instead, we cabbed it to the hospital. Kerry put her head in my lap in the cab and cried. ” Do you want me to call Greg?” I offered, gritting my teeth. They had been together for a few months now and the thought of Kerry with this really nice jock made me sick to my stomach even though I was happy for her.

“Noooo,” Kerry wailed. ” You take care of me. You,” she said.

I grabbed her phone and texted Greg anyway.

When we got to the hospital we sat and waited fo a half an hour and then Kerry was ushered into a doctors office. I tried to follow, but since I wasn’t family they told me I couldn’t accompany her. I waited in the lobby until the doctor came out and told me he wanted to watch Kerry overnight because she had walking pnemonia and was dehydrated. He showed me to her room and told me that visiting hours would be over soon but that they would take good care of her, and I could probably pick her up and take her home in the morning if she was better.

“Hey sicko,” I said and entered The room. Kerry was in bed attached to an IV.

“Keep me warm and snuggle with me,” she said, scooting over so I could lay next to her on the bed. ”You know I always thought we were soul mates, but maybe soul mates are really not meant to be together,” Kerry said and nuzzled her face into my neck. One thing I did know about Kerry is she had little tolerance for alcohol and drugs, even pescription medication.

“Kerry,” I said uncomfortably and turned to look her in the eyes. Shit, I missed her. “Let’s not go there. We’re good. Ok?”

“Excuse me,” said an overweight older woman in a nurse outfit. She was eying me in such a suspisious way that I could have crawled under the bed. “Visiting hours are over so you will have to leave.”

“She is staying,” insisted Kerry. “I can’t sleep without her. I need her here. She’ll be real quiet and just snuggle under the covers with me. I promise,” Kerry said in a whoosy voice.

The nurse looked like she could spit fire. “Rules are rules,” responded the nurse.

I got up out of the bed and gave Kerry a hug. ” I’ll see you first thing tomorrow ,” I said.

Kerry burst into tears. Another nurse entered the room.  ” No. I don’t want you to gooooooo,” she said. “I fucked it all up, and I’ll never see you agaaaaiiin. AND I HATE HOSPITALS!”

The nurse looked at me and then at Kerry repeatedly. “What!” Kerry said. “I love her. Let her stay.” Kerry grabbed at my shirt and pulled me toward the bed.

“Kerry, I’ll be back tomorrow. Chill out,” I said calmly unhooking her claws. If it’s possible to feel mortified and happy at the same time that’s what I was feeling. “I’ll bring Greg too. I texted him so I’m sure he’ll be here soon and I’ll tell him to come pick you up in the morning. I’m sure he’s worried about you.” Where the hell was he, anyway?

“Where is Greg? Promise me you’ll come back before I wake up,” Kerry said.

“Okay. I’ll bring M&Ms like we always had for breakfast on Sunday. Calm down and go to bed,” I said.

“Okay,” Kerry said. “M&Ms….” Kerry said and yawned.

I left and bumped into Greg in the waiting room. He had flowers and looked petrified.

“We can come back and get her in the morning,” I explained. “I’ll meet you here at 7am.”

“That’s really early?” he started.

“Be there or be….whatever,” I trailed off and headed home where I found Cindy waiting with a six pack and pizza.

“You didn’t really  need to go to the gym anyway,” Cindy said smiling. “Come on, I have six dates this week, Jane has five, what does your week look like Ruby Tuesday.”

“Shut up,” I hated that nickname. “I have seven.”

“Did you double book this week?” Cindy asked.

“Yes,” I said blushing. - Ruby

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The L Word, speed dating and whipped cream on top

The L Word

Yes, I’ve been missing in action. Or rather I’ve been having a little too much action in the bathroom of the gym.But let’s face it, Barbie isn’t going to leave Ken and I’m looking for more than just a little romp.  So I’ve been out on the town. As I have been checking out some of my favorite sites to see what NYC lesbian events to hit, I came across The Real World Lesbian Style. Yup. I know.

As if we needed another docu-drama to watch, The L-Word is now going reality TV. Guess who wants to create it. Ding, ding ding!!” Via New York Daily News: L Word” creator Ilene Chaiken and the Magical Elves production team (“Project Runway,” “Top Chef“), will follow the lives of six lesbians living in Los Angeles. Because the deal hasn’t been finalized, “The Real L Word” hasn’t been cast, but Chaiken hopes to find women who embody what “The L Word” was about. (That would be power lesbians, bi’s gone crazy, and drugged out sexy studmuffins in case you missed any seasons. Just kidding.)

But seriously. Hello! Why LA, when you have an overly abundant population of lesbians filming documentaries in New York?

I am an avid fan of movies, but I notice that the genre of lesbian movies and television shows seems a little, well, played out. You have the coming out suicidal dramas (Lost and Delirious; Loving Annabelle ), the comedic coming out stories/ romantic comedies (Imagine Me & You; But I’m a Cheerleader), the Sarah Waters novels turned movie (Tipping The Velvet), and then you have the documentaries (Go Fish; Lesbian shorts and the list goes on.) As for television, there was Xena (are they really lesbians?), Buffy (0ut but still mostly in the closet), and then The L Word.

The L Word does own a category of its own because it was a daily soap opera that reminded us that our lives weren’t so fucked up and made being a lesbian or bi- totally sexy and trendy. Damn it, Chaiken if you are going to milk it with both a movie and a real world series–  now that, The Farm, staring Alice (Leisha Hailey) as jail bait didn’t get picked up– milk it in NYC!

Seriously, if Chaiken was really seeking the purest version of L-Word in reality, she only need go to Henrietta Hudson’s on Morton, Girl Nation or RF Lounge (formerly Ruby Fruit). Anyway that’s what I was thinking a week ago while being suckered into speed dating at Hen’s by Cindy, who was so was so friggin’ adamant about me doing it.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” she prodded and pushed me in the middle of the room and in front of a skinny black woman that seemed to be in charge of the event.

“You and you are in. Go sit down there. OK. Play nice ladies. Get to know each others. Use our worksheet. When you hear the buzzer,” the host said. “Switch places.”

There is nothing more intense then being one of twelve girls speed dating in the middle of a bar packed tight with single girls who are all staring at you. Had I been completely sober I might have been terrified enough to stick to the questions on the worksheet given to us. However, Cindy, me and our new friend from the bi-sexual group, Jane had been at Henrietta’s since around 5pm and now it was nearing 9pm. (Frankie, our Kit, had opted out on this one tonight. She said something about hunting rabbits.) Needless to say, we all a bit tipsy and therefore inspired to stray from the questions on the card.

“So do you like whipped cream?” I asked as a first question to an attractive girl with short brown hair sitting somewhat uncomfortably in front of me. She burst out laughing. “Seriously, cherries on top or not?” I kept a straight face.

“I figured you would ask my name first?” she said, chuckling.

“We can get that figured out later. Priorities,” I said, smiling. She was cute and had a sense of humor.  I had to eavesdrop on my friends though.

I heard Cindy who was to my right take it a step further as if I dared her, “So do you have VD or any other STDs? I’d rather get that crap out of the way now so I know if I can fuck you later or not.”  The girl sitting opposite of her, with long red hair, looked appalled. Cindy smacked my leg.

Jane, who was to my left and across  was laughing at me and finally asked the girl opposite her, “So, do you come here often after work? What do you do?” The girl across from her had short blond hair and had been laughing at my conversation too. She tried to answer the question without laughing anymore at our conversation, which had moved onto the subject of, “Things to do sexually with Cheese Wiz.” the buzzer beeped and we all switched places.

Anyway, three or four speed dates later I was dying to speak to the snickering lady on my left, who Jane had been talking to earlier. She kept glancing over and smiling.  I realized I was paying more attention to her answers than those girls sitting across from me.  However, I was sitting in front of a very pretty lady who deserved my attention. She was very pretty,  and well, she looked straight. “Are you bi?” I asked.

“No. I date both men and women,” she answered and brushed her brown hair out of her face.”But I don’t box myself in if that’s what you mean.”

“Gotcha,” I winked. “Nor should you. I feel the same way.”

“For real?” she asked. ” Most people think I’m just being promiscuous, but I say you can’t tell if you like an ice cream flavor without trying it.”

“I totally get that. So what flavor would I be?” I asked.

“Raspberry, vanilla swirl, I’d say,” she answered, laughing. The buzzer beeped.

Finally, I got my chance to speak to The Giggler, who had been on my left. Before I sat down she said,”God, I’ve been dying to talk to you all night.”

Her name was Cloe, and she was a bartender. Miraculously, she had gotten a night off and wound up at Hens.

“I’m anti-relationship,” she warned. ” I’m just no good at it”

“Well, I’m no good at dating but I still try,” I said amused. For a self proclaimed player she was quite focused on our conversation and not the tall blond Swedish girls doing body shots by the bar. I’m not a player, but I couldn’t help but look over. Really, no one could ignore them.

“I’d, maybe, like to get to know you and your whipped cream techniques better some time,” she said. “Not a date,” she winked and pointed to my phone. I gave it to her and put her number in. The buzzer rang.

“And that concludes speed dating,” the host said. ” Write down on this piece of paper who you would like to call you and you will receive an email with the phone numbers and email addresses of the girls who mutually liked you.”

“That would be none for you,” I prodded Cindy, who was already standing beside me, arm on my shoulder.

I turned around to re- introduce Cloe to Cindy (as they had been speed dating earlier), but she had taken off to the bar and started doing body shots with the blond baby Sweedish dikes.

“Excuse me. Soooo. I hear you like whipped cream,” said a voice from behind us. There were two girls. One girl had jet black long hair, was sporting jeans and a black tank. The other had short brown curly hair, was sporting a polo and baggy jeans. They were each holding drinks topped with whipped cream. “We dig Cheese Wiz, and  don’t have any STDs either,” said the girl with short brown hair laughing.

“You girls are crazy,” said the girl with black hair extending the drink with whipped cream.”It’s an orgasm.”

Cindy and I looked at each other and smirked. Of course, that’s when the night really began. - Ruby

Why lesbians really love the iphone

What a drag…queen. That is.

I decided I might try the online dating thing, against Frankie’s wishes. I know, I know, it sounds desperate, right? But everyone is on Facebook and Twitter so where is the harm in a little online dating? I went on a date with this girl from Curve. Her screen name was Abracadabra. My question when I saw her profile: Can you find magic from online dating?

We emailed for the first week, started texting the second week and by the third week we were set to meet. So we did, at Cubbyhole.  The bar was packed so we slid into the booth at the back of the club and tried to talk over the crowd.

Abracadabra was extremely pretty, thin and very serious. She was a reporter for a newspaper and a part-time poet. Quite the combination. Anyways, we had Hemingway in common. I knew she liked his novels from her Curve profile and we had not yet covered literature in our discussions. I debated that The Sun Also Rises was his defining work while she was arguing that it was The Old Man and The Sea.

In the midst of our Hemingway discussion, a trannie or drag queen in a purple mini-skirt and a silver shirt named Glinda that was crammed between our table and a neighboring one joined in our conversation.

“No, no. You have it all wrong. It was A Farewell To Arms that made his career, ladies,” Glinda interrupted and then squeezed into the booth next to my date. “Oh, thank god. So are you gals here often?” she asked.

“Um…no,” replied Abracadabra, looking awkward. “We are on our first date.”

“Oh,  how adorable. And you are both so pretty. What an amazing couple you would make,” Glinda said. “So what do you do?” she asked me.

“I’m in publishing,” I replied a bit taken off gaurd.

“And you?” she asked Abracadabra.

“I’m a reporter, why?” Abracadabra replied.

“Ah, so you are both people that cling to words. Words can make or break a relationship for you,” she said.

“I suppose,” I replied. “but, it depends upon the actions that go along with it…”

“I’ll be right back,” announced Abracadabra.”Have to go to the girl’s room.”

“Ok,” I replied. Since Glinda was there we continued talking a bit philosophically about relationships that is until I got a text from Abracadabra:

Pissed. Meet me outside.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked when I went met her outside the bar.

“Only that you would rather talk to some drag queen then me!” exclaimed Abracadabra.”I can’t believe you would sit there and start carrying on a conversation with her on our first date.”

“But the bar is jam packed and you went to the bathroom…” I tried to rebuttle.

Abracadabra started crying. All I wanted was a normal relationship with someone and now I find out you are into drag queens…” she sobbed.

I was a bit confused. “Huh? We aren’t in a relationship and no I like girls. I’m not into drag queens,” I said.

Abracadabra was hysterical crying. I tried to console her but she pushed me away and then slapped my arm. Now I know when someone is acting possessive. I did date Elizabeth after all, but  this was way beyond that. This was insane.

“You know what,” I said. “You’re right. Glinda is kinda cute. I’m sorry I bothered meeting you. But I’m glad I did come because I’m going to hang out with her instead.”  I went inside the bar and bought Glinda a drink. She was good company. I suppose that’s why I think there’s no magic in online dating, but now that I hear Lindsay Lohan is on eHarmony I might change my mind.  That is if they are not back on. - Ruby.

Baring it all

After a half a week of heartbreak, a box of Lucky Charms, 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and about a million re-runs of the L-Word, I was ready to hit the  gym again.

Besides working, the gym had become part of my routine and I wanted to keep it up. I started running on the treadmill at times I knew Kerry wouldn’t be teaching yoga. I hadn’t called her back; mostly because I didn’t know what to say to her. Kerry’s calls were becoming  sparse. That was OK by me. Even though I missed our conversations and being around her, I knew this seperation had to be for the best for both of us.I wanted to feel wanted, sexually. Something I had wanted but would never feel with Kerry.

And wanted is exactly what I got, but completely by accident.

My brother was having his 23 birthday party at a strip club with some of his friends. Being the, “cool” sister that I was I headed over to Ricks in midtown to check out the scene.  My brother and his friends were drinking at the bar and watching the girls. Well gawking is more like it.  But they were more like terrified boys. The girls were dancing for money and asking if they wanted lap dances, but the guys weren’t getting that. They thought this might as well have been free.

“Guys,” I said, handing my brother ten bucks, “You have to tip them.”

“Er, like how. I dunno how to do that,” said one of the boys. “I’d pay to see you do it though,” he laughed. Five of his friends laughed along with him.

“Yeah, right,” my brother said. “Like you’d tip a stripper.”

“Why not? Fine with me,” I said. “Give me some cash.”

I, of course, wound up with twenty one dollar bills ( thanks to the young company) and took toward the stage with dough in hand not knowing exactly how to tip a stripper in what appeared to be a club full of mostly men staring at naked women. When I got to the stage, I noticed one other dressed woman there at the bottom of the stage, who looked similar to Kerry, but a little fuller (although not overweight).

As I stood watching the woman dance above me and wondered how to give them the cash this Kerry look-a-like inched closer to me. “Hey,” she said and smiled. “Have you ever done this before?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Do you mind if I show you?” she said and with that she held up a few dollars and a stripper came over to her and she popped a dollar into her panties slowly.

“Ah. ha!,” I said nodding.

“So, you ready?” she asked and winked.

“Yeah,” I mimicked her and held out a few dollars and when the stripper came over she knelt down and leaned very close. I put a dollar in her bra, which was already quite stuffed with dollars. She smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Now,” laughed the Kerry look-a-like. “That is new.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“They’re not supposed to touch you,” Kerry look-a-like stated. “And we are not supposed to touch them unless invited. Now, I’m guessing that’s an invitation.”

“Uhhhhhhh for what?” I asked.

“Oh, wow. You really are adorable,” she said staring at me. “And you smell good too.”

” Er. Thanks,” I replied, a bit amazed that she seemed to be coming onto me.

As we were doling out dollar bills to the strippers, I found out the Kerry look-a-like’s name was Cheryl and, like me, she was into girls.

The stripper up on stage that had kissed me on the cheek kept coming back over to Cheryl and me and as I was popping a dollar in her glittering purple panties this stripper grabbed me and kissed me. Cheryl, stood there shocked and started laughing at me locking lips with the stripper.

Without thinking I grabbed the Kerry-look-a-like’s hand and started kissing her softly. She kissed back and the fact that we were in a strip joint didn’t even seem to matter. I couldn’t help, but remind myself while kissing her that it wasn’t really Kerry. The stripper didn’t seem to be doing her job quite right, as she had gotten off of the stage and started kissing both of us. So, naturally when you have three women kissing and groping each other in a male strip joint, we became the show instead of the catwalk of strippers working their stuff above us. It didn’t take long before the security guards came over and escorted the stripper back to her post and asked us to back away from the stage.

Remembering my brother was there and was with his friends, I exchanged numbers with Cheryl hastily and ran over to his group where he stood completely mortified.

“Dude, your sister is sooooo cool,” one of the guys said.

“That was soooo hot,” another one of his friends said.

Seeing my brother’s expression of surprise and shock, I said,”I think it’s time for another round of beers boys.” - Ruby

Back to the Future…Again

It seems that no ones Memorial Day Weekend turned out being the love fest we hoped. I made my way up to Kitattinny with the old skool crew, though Tater proved to not be as satisfying as I hoped. We pitched our tents (yes, actual tents), built our fire, began cooking, and cracked open the poison of choice. Keeping with the weekend of nostalgia, I chose an oldie but goody…Hennessy.

//

We laughed, drank, reminisced, gorged on cheese balls and party mix from Costco economy size containers and after six hours of straight indulgence I was not feeling too well; it was time for me to retire to the tent that I pitched. I lay down under my furry blue blanket, trying to keep warm, when I heard the tent door flap unzip. “Oh no,” I thought, “can’t I simply fall asleep?! I feel so terribly ill. Damn, that Henny bites back. Thank goodness this is an eight person tent…Oh…”. Tater ducked in, kicked off his boots and crawled in beside me, wrapping me in his arms from behind. “It has been a long time Frankie”, he said, stating the obvious, “let’s finish what we started.” Jeez, I felt ill and managed only an “Mmhmmmmm”, through clenched teeth and tightly shut lips. His hand moved slowly between the blankets and under my hoodie to my abdomen, stroking above my bellybutton. It was now not a question if I would barf…rather…when? One small heave, which Tater interpreted incorrectly. “Oh yea, baby, I’ve wanted to make you tremble again,” he revealed. I pushed up from under Tater and through the open tent flap, which he forgot to zip shut, and ran away from our site, behind a tree, and allowed nature to take its course.

The rest of our camp roared with laughter and cracked, “It’s ok Frankie! He makes us feel like puking all the time!!” “Nice goin’ Tater, seems like you have that effect on the women folk” “Some things never change!!” “Play on playa!!!!!” Chuckle, Chuckle, Teehee, Teehee. All the burned Tater could reply was, “Ah, Shuddup, Bro!  Whadevah”.   I returned from behind the poor maple tree of choice, fell onto bended knee and did my best Mary Katherine Gallagher SUPERSTAR! impression and received thunderous applause from my audience. After brushing my teeth, all I remember from that evening is the crackle of the fire and the cozy, furry blanket that kept me warm from the cool, May mountain air. I felt much better and had to laugh at the entire chain of events.

Tater stayed at a clear distance from any romantic pursuits for the remainder of the weekend, which I did not mind at all and this time spent with my former hellions exceeded my expectations.  Sitting around with old friends reminiscing and acting silly.  Rafting down the Delaware River. Cliff jumping into the freezing river water.  Good times and more great memories.

Kindly enough, Sasha and Derek dropped me off in Manhattan on Monday.  This was a bit unusual, as many Staten Islanders hate making their way into…THE CITY!

I couldn’t wait to share the funny stories of mischief and mayhem in the woods, though instead walked in and found a Ruby shaped mound on the sofa, swaddled in a green fleece throw.  Her packed bag still sitting at the door of our apartment, a huge mixing bowl containing only remnants of Lucky Charms, and a menu for the L word DVD showing on the television screen, Ruby lay sleeping and this is how I left my friend.

Poor Ruby, she will still not move from the sofa unless it is time for work (well, sometimes; she still has a few sick days) or to change the DVD to another season of Buffy or the L word. I walked in one night and noticed that she was finally sleeping again, though upon closer inspection also drooling on a throw pillow…ugggg. Kerry has been ringing Ruby’s phone constantly since the Memorial Day fiasco and I was just at my wit’s end. This girl not only offended Ruby, though broke her heart as well, and is now harassing her. Revenge may be sweet, though I certainly am not; this bitch was going to pay.

When you play with fire…

Kerry and I arrived at Cherry Grove in Fire Island Sat. afternoon.  Kerry let me decide where we should spend Memorial Day weekend, and I chose Fire Island because if I had any chance with Kerry (if she was the slightest bit interested at all) I figured it would be where  homosexuality was openly accepted.

We dropped our bags off at the Grove Hotel and headed out to the beach in our bikinis. I had packed a picnic in a backpack and laid it out on a blanket on the sand. Two  sandwiches, Sun Chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We stretched out in the sun, laughed and chatted.

At one point I was laying down on my side. Kerry reached over and put her hand on my cheek. She pushed me over onto my back and leaned forward over me. so she was looking into my eyes directly. They were like heavy and anxious, waves before a storm. I couldn’t help it.  She was too serious. I laughed and started to tickle her.  She fell on top of me in hysterical laughter. “Ruby,” Kerry started to explain and backed up after she caught her breath.” I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can. I… “

“I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to do,” I interrupted, laughing still. “Besides have fun, and I know that’s just about impossible to do with me.”

“That’s not the problem,” she said and smiled one of those smiles that just lit me up inside.

Later that night we went out to the bar across the hotel pool where there was a DJ playing music. We were dancing and singing Katie Perry when two girls came up to us at the bar.

“Hey ladies. Lovely evening,” an attractive but a bit intimidating butch said, “You with her?” she continued as she nodded toward Kerry.

“No,” I answered.

“Yes,” Kerry answered at the same time and threw her arm around my waist.  “What do you mean no? How long has it been honey? Six months?”

“Um. Well I’ll let you work that out,” the butch said laughing and left. Kerry glared at me. ” Don’t you ever do that again,” she said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Leave me hanging like that,” Kerry fixing her bikini top and the  sweatshirt she had over it.

“Whatever,” I said. “I wanna dance.”

We were both pretty drunk by this point. Lady Gaga’s Poker Face was on, the bar was thumping and Kerry’s hands were on my waist and back. My hands were around her waist and one was on her butt. I wanted her. I could feel her breath on my face. She ran her hand across my breasts either purposely or accidentally (I couldn’t tell which). My lips were on her neck. I went to kiss her neck, but she turned away and two other girls from the crowd came up to us and started dancing with us.

One of the girls was grinding against Kerry’s back and groping her from behind.  Kerry didn’t seem to mind and then saw me in front of her dancing with another girl, not as flirtatiously. It was like she had been launched out of a catapult. She was across the floor in an instant with her arms around my shoulder and waist, clinging to me. Her skin was soft and sweaty. “I want to go back to the room,” she whispered.

So we did. Kerry went to the bathroom for a very long time, so I changed into my pjs and hopped into one of two beds we had in the room and turned on the TV. When Kerry returned from the bathroom she hopped in the other bed and fell asleep fast. Too fast it seemed. I got out of bed and laid down next to her. She didn’t budge. When I woke up. She was already on the beach.

At breakfast I confronted her. “I’ve been thinking and I’d like to be with you,” I said. “I want to be with you too,” Kerry said. “But I don’t think I can do the lesbian thing and you are such a great friend. I don’t want to blow that. Can’t we just leave things as they are?”

I felt hurt and betrayed. How could I tell Kerry that I couldn’t be another minute around her wanting to kiss her? It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t even look at other girls because I felt like I was committed to Kerry. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her. “You either want to be with me or you don’t. It’s just that simple,” I stated with gritted teeth.

“Then I guess I don’t,” she retorted. “Even if I were to sleep with a girl it’d probably be with someone hotter than you.”

“Fine, glad we got that ironed out,” I said shocked and hurt. We took the next ferry back and drove home, but mostly in silence. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt tortured. I felt hurt and heartbroken too.  I felt duped and most of all disapointed. Kerry has called me every day since then; several times.  I haven’t called her back yet though. I don’t know if I will. – Ruby

Thing, Fling, or Dating?

I was feeling a bit guilty about being so frank with Ruby regarding her relationship…or rather thing, with Kerry; though as her roommate and more importantly her friend it is my job to protect her. She is going to be hurt, I know this. She and Kerry decided to plan a jaunt out to Fire Island together over Memorial Day weekend. I saw the hope for an exclusive lover in Ruby’s eyes and heard the denial of a beautiful disaster in her voice as she described their plans.

“Well,” I began, “You know how I feel Ruby. She is going to hurt you. Even if you do progress into something more than this thing that you have now, are you really comfortable with being an experiment?”

“I love her, Frankie, and I must risk my heart because right now this entire situation is destroying my sanity,” reasoned Ruby.

“That makes sense, I see your point. Though please be careful…remember what happened with Ellen and Anne Heche.” I warned.

“Yes, of course,” Ruby answered,“Ellen wound up with Portia di Rossi, that hot piece of ass.”

I laughed,”Again, I see your point! Well, good luck pursuing your possible almost lover or a hot piece of ass who will soothe your hurting heart. You know that I am always going to support you no matter the outcome. I am off to Brooklyn for a Costco run for this weekend’s camping trip.”

“Oh, that’s right, you’re going camping with your old crazy Staten Island crew. Wild on the Delaware River!! You better be a bit cautious as well, Mother Hen. Isn’t Tater going to be there?”, asked Ruby.

“HA! Tater. I haven’t seen him in ages. Yes, he will be there, though he has a girlfriend. You know that I am not down with OPP.”, I reminded Ruby.

Tater was a former…thing of mine. Just as Kerry was this indescribable thing to Ruby, it had been about eight years ago since Tater, or Paul, and I dated. Poor Paul inherited the nickname Tater when, as a chubby kid our friends decided that he resembled a tater tot. Yes, cruel then, though eventually Paul outgrew the excess weight and the cruel moniker, to become quite the cutie. He worked hard to win me over and did eventually, though bad timing kept us from a substantial relationship. Through the years, we would make out if we wound up at the same party…or camping trip…

“Riiiiiiiight.  There is no chance that he is single?  He is a player, though would make a great weekend partner for exploration within the forest,” Ruby winked.  “As long as those memories don’t allow old feelings to overcome your fun factor.”

I pondered Ruby’s point for a moment and concluded that I was jumping to conclusions.

My phone rang and I saw that Sasha was calling.  “What’s up Momma?”, I answered.

“Frankie!  You sound the same!  ARE YOU READY FOR CAMP KITTATINNY?!?!?!?“, asked an excited familiar man’s voice.

“Ta–Paul,” I corrected myself , “What are you…”

“Oh I am meeting you at Costco with Sasha and Derek”, replied my former flame.  “What is a true Kittatinny reunion camping trip without a pre-party Costco run?”

I thought for moment, looking at Ruby, who was performing an excited, my friend is hooking up this weekend dance, as I spoke, “Oh Paul, great minds think alike.  You’re a man after my own heart. I am leaving now, see you in a bit.”

“Great Babe,” he said before hanging up.

“Yes,” said Ruby, “it never hurts to have a bit of help pitching a tent.” –Frankie