Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, “Fuck you and your untouchable face,” and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, “Untouchable Face” on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it’s rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I’ve never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let’s call her Stalker. I’m not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta’s for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a “hot” partner that she could mother children with.

“I know most lesbians don’t want kids, but I do,” she explained. “I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?”

“Oh, well, uh, down the road,” I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, “when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on,” she said.

“Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes,” I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

“Ouch!”

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, “Ouch,” meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. “Hey, hey, stop it!”

“Come on Ruby, I know you want me,” Stalker said. “I know you think I’m hot.”

“Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first,” I said, meaning, ‘as in no way’.

She didn’t get it.

“I can give it to you sloooow,” she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

“Whhoooaaaa there,” I said pushing her back a little bit. ” I mean, for real. We might work  better as friends,” I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

“I want to fall in love,” she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. “I’ve always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me,” she explained. “Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend,” she inquired.

“I’m looking for a little bit of both,” I said and slurped down an oyster. “Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends,” I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. “Well, I’m just going to let you know up front that I’ve slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed,” she said.

“No problem, I won’t try to compete,” I said, and meant it. I don’t know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn’t do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the  next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

“Errr. I want to take things slow,” I explained. “You know that expression fools rush in and everything.” - Ruby

Cheri Poppin’?

So the whipped cream girls Cindy and I met at speed dating turned out to be sisters. They seemed fun and kept us chatting and dancing all night. I was dancing with Cheri, who was tre femme. Her sister Judi had a girl friend, but Cheri was single.  She had long black hair, manicured nails, wore designer clothes and was tall and thin. She seemed a little high maintainance for me, but I decided to go with the flow and gave her my number.

She called the next day and asked me to meet her at TKettle on St. Marks. It’s one of those cute little coffee rooms that just happens to have great bubble tea. Cheri was waiting outside the tea room for me. She seemed really nervous.

“I thought you might not come,” she said gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was dressed in a mini-T and jeans and smelled like powder.

We ordered some bubble tea and took a seat at the back of the place. She still seemed particularly nervous, but she was smiling from ear to ear. I couldn’t quite figure out her agenda. She clearly seemed to have one.

“So you really surprised me the other night,” I started. “I’m not used to girls being so forward with me.”

“I’m not most girls, and I could tell you aren’t either,” she said slyly. “I find you really attractive.”

“Thanks,” I blushed. “But I’m surprised a pretty girl like you doesn’t have a girlfriend already?”

“Umm. Well…” she started. “I’m really new at this, actually. I’ve never been with a girl, but I’d like to be. I just recently split up with my boyfriend because I wanted to try it,” she said.

“Oh?” I said. “How long did you split with your boyfriend?”

“A couple of days ago,” she said. “We were engaged. This sounds bad, right? The thing is I really have always wondered what it would be like to be with a girl, and he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of sharing me with someone.”

“Well, I understand that,” I said.

“I mean, I’m just that way,” she said. “I like to try new things and he knows that. I met him at a nudist resort after all,” she said.

“Oh,” I said and thought ‘This is just getting better and better’.

“Have you ever been?” she asked.

“Uh. No, I’ve never really thought about going to one,” I said.

“It’s so freeing. I should take you. I bet you would like it. It’s so open and free feeling. No one is hiding anything because you can’t,” she said laughing.

“Hmmm. I don’t know. I’m not really a walk around nude type of girl unless I’m in my apartment,” I said realizing I was sounding ultra conservative compared to Cheri.

“It’s all right,” she started. Her  cell phone, which was sitting on the table, rang. She looked at it and ignored it.

“Why did you want to start dating girls?” I asked.

“I just have always wanted to. My sister was always into girls and I’ve always wondered if I was like her. I’ve always thought I might enjoy being with a girl. I’m sure I would. In fact, I’d like to take you home after this. I want you to teach me everything. You can be my first,” she said and pushed her hair out of her face suggestively. She was playing footsie with me under the table.

I was beet red. “Cheri, I’m flattered,” I said. “But that’s not really my style. I like to take my time and I’m looking for something serious.”

Cheri’s phone rang again. She looked at it and then back at me. “I am serious. Let’s try it. I mean have you ever been with both a girl and a guy together? If you want I could get a guy to join us too?”

“Yeah, that’s not what I’m really looking for.” I said. “But it sounds fun. I’m sure there’s plenty of girls…”

“You are hot,” she said. “I want you. I want to fuck you,” she said. Her phone rang. “Hold on,” she said. “Billy, I’m on a date with a girl. No you cannot come. You aren’t my boyfriend anymore. I know. I know. OK I love you too,” she said and hung up.

I almost started laughing. I got up.

Cheri popped up out of her chair. “Come home with me,” she pleaded. “I want to get to know you better.”

“I know,” I said, but I wan’t into this scene. “Listen, there are plenty of pretty girls in NYC. You should have fun now that you are newly single. Call me, and we’ll hang out again soon,” I lied.

My phone rang. “Chaquita,” I answered.”

“Banana. Where are you?” Frankie screamed into my ear. “Beer and wine and raunchy movie night tonight!”

“Fantastic! Give me 20 minutes,” I said.

“I gotta go, Cheri,” I said.

“Are you seeing other people?” she asked.

“I am,” I said although I really wasn’t dating anyone in particular. “Call me soon.”

“Okay,” she said and tried to kiss me.

I turned my head and she caught my cheek. I turned around and waved goodbye and made my way down St. Mark’s Street,  and decided that sometimes it’s not so bad being single or picky.

I checked my email on my iPhone quickly. There were the speed dating results. I had gotten 7 numbers. Seven seemed like a lot. Had I spoken to that many girls? Who was who? But there was one name that I definitely recognized. - Ruby

The L Word, speed dating and whipped cream on top

The L Word

Yes, I’ve been missing in action. Or rather I’ve been having a little too much action in the bathroom of the gym.But let’s face it, Barbie isn’t going to leave Ken and I’m looking for more than just a little romp.  So I’ve been out on the town. As I have been checking out some of my favorite sites to see what NYC lesbian events to hit, I came across The Real World Lesbian Style. Yup. I know.

As if we needed another docu-drama to watch, The L-Word is now going reality TV. Guess who wants to create it. Ding, ding ding!!” Via New York Daily News: L Word” creator Ilene Chaiken and the Magical Elves production team (“Project Runway,” “Top Chef“), will follow the lives of six lesbians living in Los Angeles. Because the deal hasn’t been finalized, “The Real L Word” hasn’t been cast, but Chaiken hopes to find women who embody what “The L Word” was about. (That would be power lesbians, bi’s gone crazy, and drugged out sexy studmuffins in case you missed any seasons. Just kidding.)

But seriously. Hello! Why LA, when you have an overly abundant population of lesbians filming documentaries in New York?

I am an avid fan of movies, but I notice that the genre of lesbian movies and television shows seems a little, well, played out. You have the coming out suicidal dramas (Lost and Delirious; Loving Annabelle ), the comedic coming out stories/ romantic comedies (Imagine Me & You; But I’m a Cheerleader), the Sarah Waters novels turned movie (Tipping The Velvet), and then you have the documentaries (Go Fish; Lesbian shorts and the list goes on.) As for television, there was Xena (are they really lesbians?), Buffy (0ut but still mostly in the closet), and then The L Word.

The L Word does own a category of its own because it was a daily soap opera that reminded us that our lives weren’t so fucked up and made being a lesbian or bi- totally sexy and trendy. Damn it, Chaiken if you are going to milk it with both a movie and a real world series–  now that, The Farm, staring Alice (Leisha Hailey) as jail bait didn’t get picked up– milk it in NYC!

Seriously, if Chaiken was really seeking the purest version of L-Word in reality, she only need go to Henrietta Hudson’s on Morton, Girl Nation or RF Lounge (formerly Ruby Fruit). Anyway that’s what I was thinking a week ago while being suckered into speed dating at Hen’s by Cindy, who was so was so friggin’ adamant about me doing it.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” she prodded and pushed me in the middle of the room and in front of a skinny black woman that seemed to be in charge of the event.

“You and you are in. Go sit down there. OK. Play nice ladies. Get to know each others. Use our worksheet. When you hear the buzzer,” the host said. “Switch places.”

There is nothing more intense then being one of twelve girls speed dating in the middle of a bar packed tight with single girls who are all staring at you. Had I been completely sober I might have been terrified enough to stick to the questions on the worksheet given to us. However, Cindy, me and our new friend from the bi-sexual group, Jane had been at Henrietta’s since around 5pm and now it was nearing 9pm. (Frankie, our Kit, had opted out on this one tonight. She said something about hunting rabbits.) Needless to say, we all a bit tipsy and therefore inspired to stray from the questions on the card.

“So do you like whipped cream?” I asked as a first question to an attractive girl with short brown hair sitting somewhat uncomfortably in front of me. She burst out laughing. “Seriously, cherries on top or not?” I kept a straight face.

“I figured you would ask my name first?” she said, chuckling.

“We can get that figured out later. Priorities,” I said, smiling. She was cute and had a sense of humor.  I had to eavesdrop on my friends though.

I heard Cindy who was to my right take it a step further as if I dared her, “So do you have VD or any other STDs? I’d rather get that crap out of the way now so I know if I can fuck you later or not.”  The girl sitting opposite of her, with long red hair, looked appalled. Cindy smacked my leg.

Jane, who was to my left and across  was laughing at me and finally asked the girl opposite her, “So, do you come here often after work? What do you do?” The girl across from her had short blond hair and had been laughing at my conversation too. She tried to answer the question without laughing anymore at our conversation, which had moved onto the subject of, “Things to do sexually with Cheese Wiz.” the buzzer beeped and we all switched places.

Anyway, three or four speed dates later I was dying to speak to the snickering lady on my left, who Jane had been talking to earlier. She kept glancing over and smiling.  I realized I was paying more attention to her answers than those girls sitting across from me.  However, I was sitting in front of a very pretty lady who deserved my attention. She was very pretty,  and well, she looked straight. “Are you bi?” I asked.

“No. I date both men and women,” she answered and brushed her brown hair out of her face.”But I don’t box myself in if that’s what you mean.”

“Gotcha,” I winked. “Nor should you. I feel the same way.”

“For real?” she asked. ” Most people think I’m just being promiscuous, but I say you can’t tell if you like an ice cream flavor without trying it.”

“I totally get that. So what flavor would I be?” I asked.

“Raspberry, vanilla swirl, I’d say,” she answered, laughing. The buzzer beeped.

Finally, I got my chance to speak to The Giggler, who had been on my left. Before I sat down she said,”God, I’ve been dying to talk to you all night.”

Her name was Cloe, and she was a bartender. Miraculously, she had gotten a night off and wound up at Hens.

“I’m anti-relationship,” she warned. ” I’m just no good at it”

“Well, I’m no good at dating but I still try,” I said amused. For a self proclaimed player she was quite focused on our conversation and not the tall blond Swedish girls doing body shots by the bar. I’m not a player, but I couldn’t help but look over. Really, no one could ignore them.

“I’d, maybe, like to get to know you and your whipped cream techniques better some time,” she said. “Not a date,” she winked and pointed to my phone. I gave it to her and put her number in. The buzzer rang.

“And that concludes speed dating,” the host said. ” Write down on this piece of paper who you would like to call you and you will receive an email with the phone numbers and email addresses of the girls who mutually liked you.”

“That would be none for you,” I prodded Cindy, who was already standing beside me, arm on my shoulder.

I turned around to re- introduce Cloe to Cindy (as they had been speed dating earlier), but she had taken off to the bar and started doing body shots with the blond baby Sweedish dikes.

“Excuse me. Soooo. I hear you like whipped cream,” said a voice from behind us. There were two girls. One girl had jet black long hair, was sporting jeans and a black tank. The other had short brown curly hair, was sporting a polo and baggy jeans. They were each holding drinks topped with whipped cream. “We dig Cheese Wiz, and  don’t have any STDs either,” said the girl with short brown hair laughing.

“You girls are crazy,” said the girl with black hair extending the drink with whipped cream.”It’s an orgasm.”

Cindy and I looked at each other and smirked. Of course, that’s when the night really began. - Ruby

Requiem for a Dream

It’s been over a month and I believe that I have almost recovered from my…ahem…relaxing Arizona holiday. What is it about younger guys?  I can’t seem to find a guy who is a bit older…or even my age.  As I sit here at 5:30 pm, just about to ask Cole if he needs anything before I leave at six, Kayla knocks on the glass partition which separates our cubicles.  “We are going to head out for Natasha’s birthday next Friday.  Will you come out?”, she asked.

“Sure”, I replied, “Where are we going?”

“Oh I figure Lucky Strike; we took Cole out there for his 26th birthday last year and it was such a great time.  Fun and games!  Oh and booze, of course.”, said Kayla.

“Wait.  What? Cole is 27 years old?  Seriously?,” I asked, absolutely shocked.

Kayla chuckled and batted her eyelashes at me, “Yes he is.  Awwwww….are you OK with that?”

“Yes, I am fine. It’s just, I thought, well, he…I thought he was at least 29,” I answered disappointed.

Kayla said goodnight and as she walked through the office door, Cole rushed over to my cube.

“Frankie, I need your help, would you please make these copies and turn the tabbed pages into .pdf files???  I apologize for not asking sooner, though got so caught up…and well…”, he said, trying to regain his breath.

I laughed, “Yes, of course, no worries.  You never ask me for anything.  Go finish whatever you were working on.  I have this.”

He smiled, “You’re the best, Frankie, though I am not finishing anytime soon.  Another midnight end of day for me.”

I finished the copies and scanned his requested pages to my inbox.  While looking them over, I couldn’t help but weigh this age issue in my mind.  I guess it couldn’t hurt if the guy were mature and had his life together.  This guy is 27 and busting his amazing ass until ten, eleven, sometimes midnight.  He has so much going for him.  AND I have been accused of seeing myself as much older and experienced than my actual age.  Perhaps I am being silly.  I was still thinking about this dilemma as I walked to Cole’s office with his copies.  Everyone had left for the evening; we were the only people in the office.

Looking through the papers, he asked if I could help him with an issue regarding his Outlook.  I leaned over him and grabbed his…mouse and as I was trying to fix the problem, there was a moment when I could feel his eyes on me.  I couldn’t help but look back…and take in a deep breath.  He stood from his chair and pushed my body against the edge of the desk with his.  He lifted my chin and kissed me gently…and I kissed him back.  This was happening, flowing like a film.  Lifting me onto the desk, his hands lifting the hem of my skirt while exploring the skin of my outer thigh.  My lips on his neck, fingers finding their way from his biceps to his pecs to the button of those trousers… “Frankie,” he whispered softly in my ear…”Frankie, Frankie….Hey, Frankie are you ok??”

Oh shit!  I shook myself from the reverie…breathing heavily-not realizing what-had…where-am-I?

“Cole!”, I said, as I recognized him standing over me at the corner of my cube and finally joined the rest of the world in a little place called reality.

“Are you alright Frankie?”, he repeated his question, “You’re all red…and slightly trembling…”

“Uhhhhmmmm, yes; I…must have been daydreaming while waiting for these files to load.  Oh and look at that!,” Did my voice just crack?!?!  “They are all ready to send to you; haha…I apologize.  Lame, I know.”, I decided for a condensed version of the truth.  Jeez, my face was on fire.

“No worries, why are you apologizing?  I am the one who is keeping you here late.  I appreciate you staying behind to help,” he said, smiling…with that smile.

“It’s fine, my pleasure, really Cole.  Though I should be going.  Unless you need anything else?”, I offered.  Oh please…I could think of a few lewd responses to that question, I laughed to myself.

“No, I’m all set.  Seriously Frankie, thank you.”, he repeated.

“Goodnight Cole.  See you in the morning.  And don’t stay too late!”, I joked.  I am such a dork sometimes!  I feel like such a kid with the type of childhood crush that makes you feel, well, dopey and so…young again.

“Goodnight Frankie,” he said as I made my way to the door,”And, Frankie, whoever he is…well he’s lucky.”

My heart fluttered, “Thanks Cole.  Goodnight”, I said thinking about an ice cold shower while Taylor Swift’s Teardrops on My Guitar played in my head.

Yes, Taylor Swift.  And I wonder why I end up with the young ones.–Frankie

What a drag…queen. That is.

I decided I might try the online dating thing, against Frankie’s wishes. I know, I know, it sounds desperate, right? But everyone is on Facebook and Twitter so where is the harm in a little online dating? I went on a date with this girl from Curve. Her screen name was Abracadabra. My question when I saw her profile: Can you find magic from online dating?

We emailed for the first week, started texting the second week and by the third week we were set to meet. So we did, at Cubbyhole.  The bar was packed so we slid into the booth at the back of the club and tried to talk over the crowd.

Abracadabra was extremely pretty, thin and very serious. She was a reporter for a newspaper and a part-time poet. Quite the combination. Anyways, we had Hemingway in common. I knew she liked his novels from her Curve profile and we had not yet covered literature in our discussions. I debated that The Sun Also Rises was his defining work while she was arguing that it was The Old Man and The Sea.

In the midst of our Hemingway discussion, a trannie or drag queen in a purple mini-skirt and a silver shirt named Glinda that was crammed between our table and a neighboring one joined in our conversation.

“No, no. You have it all wrong. It was A Farewell To Arms that made his career, ladies,” Glinda interrupted and then squeezed into the booth next to my date. “Oh, thank god. So are you gals here often?” she asked.

“Um…no,” replied Abracadabra, looking awkward. “We are on our first date.”

“Oh,  how adorable. And you are both so pretty. What an amazing couple you would make,” Glinda said. “So what do you do?” she asked me.

“I’m in publishing,” I replied a bit taken off gaurd.

“And you?” she asked Abracadabra.

“I’m a reporter, why?” Abracadabra replied.

“Ah, so you are both people that cling to words. Words can make or break a relationship for you,” she said.

“I suppose,” I replied. “but, it depends upon the actions that go along with it…”

“I’ll be right back,” announced Abracadabra.”Have to go to the girl’s room.”

“Ok,” I replied. Since Glinda was there we continued talking a bit philosophically about relationships that is until I got a text from Abracadabra:

Pissed. Meet me outside.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked when I went met her outside the bar.

“Only that you would rather talk to some drag queen then me!” exclaimed Abracadabra.”I can’t believe you would sit there and start carrying on a conversation with her on our first date.”

“But the bar is jam packed and you went to the bathroom…” I tried to rebuttle.

Abracadabra started crying. All I wanted was a normal relationship with someone and now I find out you are into drag queens…” she sobbed.

I was a bit confused. “Huh? We aren’t in a relationship and no I like girls. I’m not into drag queens,” I said.

Abracadabra was hysterical crying. I tried to console her but she pushed me away and then slapped my arm. Now I know when someone is acting possessive. I did date Elizabeth after all, but  this was way beyond that. This was insane.

“You know what,” I said. “You’re right. Glinda is kinda cute. I’m sorry I bothered meeting you. But I’m glad I did come because I’m going to hang out with her instead.”  I went inside the bar and bought Glinda a drink. She was good company. I suppose that’s why I think there’s no magic in online dating, but now that I hear Lindsay Lohan is on eHarmony I might change my mind.  That is if they are not back on. - Ruby.

Hittin’ the Kiddie Pool

Yes, I was M.I.A. for a few weeks; my apologies. When RD Capital Partners instituted a week long furlough for its employees what could I do but book a flight outta here?   Kim just graduated from Arizona State University; you know it I am sure–A.S.U.–the largest party school in this fine country. So what?  I am a twenty…ummm…well young professional in her late twenties.  A little dip in the kiddie pool never hurt anyone.  Time for some action.

From the airport, we stopped at our hotel to unpack before heading out to begin the festivities.  Kim said to me, “Just so you know, the condoms are here,” as she held up a long strip of  rubbers and then stashed them in a toiletries bag.  “Thanks baby,” I replied, “though I am not hooking up on this trip.  Your friends are waaaaaay too young.”  Kim gave a dubious stare and repeated, “As I said, the protection is right here.”  To which I had no response, except a smirk and chuckle.  The second stop on the welcome train was Loco Patron which had drink specials for the those who are still blessed with the financial backing of their parents, a.k.a. the under 25 set.  Oh yes, $3 bomber Thursdays; I can not tell a lie, getting bombed was a  theme of this trip.  Kim and I met up with her friends Mike, Cory, and Charlie; all of whom were almost old enough to rent a car without the underage penalty.

At one point Kim asked, “So how does it feel to be back in Arizona?”

“So nice to be out of New York for a bit.  The heat becomes too much”, I cracked as we stood in 105 degrees of dry Arizona summer, “and I don’t mean the weather.”

“Yes”, she agreed, “I don’t know how you do it.  Though I moved out to Arizona when I was young, I had drama by the age of thirteen; the year before I left NYC.  Girls that age should not be exposed to what we were at that age; makes us way too jaded.  Speaking of bad decisions, see anyone you like this evening?”

Mike and Charlie were cute.  I watched them for a moment and then settled my gaze on Charlie.  “Yes, I think I may have found one.”  Following my gaze, Kim agreed, “Fine choice.  Cute and I heard that he is great in the sack.”

I was in town for only five days and most of my visit followed the same daily schedule.  After a night of heavy collegiate level drinking we finally crawled out of our hotel room at noon-ish, ate breakfast, shopped, and drove around the beautiful desert towns (any of it beautiful and different to a New Yorker).

Saturday rolled around, which meant time for some ink.  Kim has a few good friends at Phoenix Tattoo Company, which is quite reputable.  They have inked some amazing pieced for Kim and I couldn’t wait for my new addition!  Kim sat first, having her name inscribed among blooming lotus blossoms on her outer thigh.  I was up next and chose something into which I invested a great deal of thought.  A large royal blue rose in full bloom with a smaller bud above on the same thick stem with a few words from my favorite Paradise Lost quote, “Abashed the Devil stood…saw and pined his loss”.  There is something about having a man tap ink into the skin of my outer thigh that inspires the most adventurous and reckless mood to rise from the depths of my soul.  As Kim and I agreed during the first night, “This feels like a long weekend of bad decisions.  Let’s embrace the debauchery.”  Right on, Sistah!

We picked up Charlie who came back to the hotel with us to pregame as we showered and prepared to go out.  After quite a few vodka and sodas and some silly, dorky photos starring Kim and me, we headed out to Tavern.  We met up with Mike, Cory, and a few other friends of Kim.  Yes, I felt like the oldest person at the bar, though I let go of this complex after a gin and tonic and two shots of Patron.  The guys volleyed for our attention and were extremely flirty.  After many cocktail/tequila shot combinations it was time to hit the road for some late night Mexican…food (not men).

Charlie, Mike, Cory, Kim, and I headed to Filiberto’s or Fili B’s as they like to call it.  Mike insisted that I sit in his lap on the way to Fili B’s.  I was not too keen about this, though didn’t give too much thought to it, as I was hungry and wanted our food fast. The entire ride to Fili B’s was a game of cat and mouse in the back seat.  Mike’s mouth was the cat and mine was the mouse.  Each time he came in for the kill I moved my head slightly to thwart his attempt and then saw what I wanted staring right back at me in the rearview mirror–Charlie.  Once at Fili B’s the boys ordered food and Kim and I sprinted to the bathroom for what else?  A girl’s chat session.

“Ok”, began Kim, “we must devise a plan.  Mike wants you.”

“But I want Charlie”, I replied, “Mike reminds me of your brother and ewww, that is creepy.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.”

Kim looked at me and laughed, “Yes, though Mike doesn’t know it, that is the exact reason why I decline his advances every time he tries to get into my pants.  EWWWWWWWW, gross!  OK, I will make this work for you, Frankie.”

Leaving with our carne asada fries and burritos, we first dropped off Mike and Cory.  Charlie was our designated driver, therefore he was going to see us back to the hotel safely.  And Kim sat on Mike’s lap after leaving Fili B’s.  What a great friend!

Back at the hotel we three sat on the couch in the living room of our suite and inhaled our food.  As soon as Kim went into the bathroom, Charlie grabbed me.  Carne asada fries flew, as did my shirt, his shirt, my bra…”Ahem” I heard from behind me and pulled Charlie to my chest as I laughed.  “I am going to turn around AND close my eyes,” said Kim,”and you are going to run straight for the bedroom.  I will sleep on the couch. And you’re welcome”.  Did I mention that she is a great friend?

From this point in the tale my memory becomes a blur of skin, sweat, and yes, the one lone condom that I remember to keep in my purse.  Once we finished (yes, we; Kim was right, he was a great lay and considerate as well), he wanted to go again, though I turned to him and said (or gave a Patron produced mumble), “Do you have another condom?”, completely forgetting about Kim’s stash!!  To which he replied in the negative.  I looked at him and said, “Pity”, rolled over and fell asleep.  Hey I may have been drunk but no glove no love sweetie.

We woke the next morning and Charlie drew me close, saying, “Come on, I want you.  Now.”

“Oh fuck!”, I thought.  “Please don’t be angry”, I said as I pulled over the toiletries bag and pulled out a long sleeve of condoms.

Charlie gave me a look, rolled his eyes, pulled me close, and began seducing me all over again.  I think he was a bit annoyed, though too bad I don’t go raw with someone who does not rank as a serious boyfriend with whom I have a monogomous relationship.  Eventually, after we were dressed, Kim wandered into the room and sat for a chat.  She then was going to drive Charlie home, at which point the kid turned, playfully punched me in the shoulder and said, “Take it easy, see you later”.  What a strange goodbye…even for a 24 year old!

Apparently Kim noticed what she considered to be Charlie’s odd behavior.  We were both completely stumped.  Last night Charlie had offered his shower to me before I hopped the redeye to NYC tomorrow, as I would be checked out of the hotel by 11 am.  Kim and I enjoyed our final complete day together and took it easy; we did quite a bit of damage of these last few evenings.

The next day, she reached Charlie who was a bit unsociable over the telephone, though said that we could come over and use his shower.  At this point I didn’t care and only wanted to get onto the plane feeling clean and relaxed.  Charlie was totally distant toward both Kim and me.  I could see the confusion on Kim’s face.

Once I was in the bathroom it all made sense.  To my horror sitting on the toilet tank cover was all the explanation that I needed.  There it sat.   The douchebag bible…I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.  Good grief, that explains it.  Anyone who takes cues from Tucker Max has to be disgusting.  EWWWWW…now I definitely need a shower.  These damn kids today! –Frankie

Baring it all

After a half a week of heartbreak, a box of Lucky Charms, 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and about a million re-runs of the L-Word, I was ready to hit the  gym again.

Besides working, the gym had become part of my routine and I wanted to keep it up. I started running on the treadmill at times I knew Kerry wouldn’t be teaching yoga. I hadn’t called her back; mostly because I didn’t know what to say to her. Kerry’s calls were becoming  sparse. That was OK by me. Even though I missed our conversations and being around her, I knew this seperation had to be for the best for both of us.I wanted to feel wanted, sexually. Something I had wanted but would never feel with Kerry.

And wanted is exactly what I got, but completely by accident.

My brother was having his 23 birthday party at a strip club with some of his friends. Being the, “cool” sister that I was I headed over to Ricks in midtown to check out the scene.  My brother and his friends were drinking at the bar and watching the girls. Well gawking is more like it.  But they were more like terrified boys. The girls were dancing for money and asking if they wanted lap dances, but the guys weren’t getting that. They thought this might as well have been free.

“Guys,” I said, handing my brother ten bucks, “You have to tip them.”

“Er, like how. I dunno how to do that,” said one of the boys. “I’d pay to see you do it though,” he laughed. Five of his friends laughed along with him.

“Yeah, right,” my brother said. “Like you’d tip a stripper.”

“Why not? Fine with me,” I said. “Give me some cash.”

I, of course, wound up with twenty one dollar bills ( thanks to the young company) and took toward the stage with dough in hand not knowing exactly how to tip a stripper in what appeared to be a club full of mostly men staring at naked women. When I got to the stage, I noticed one other dressed woman there at the bottom of the stage, who looked similar to Kerry, but a little fuller (although not overweight).

As I stood watching the woman dance above me and wondered how to give them the cash this Kerry look-a-like inched closer to me. “Hey,” she said and smiled. “Have you ever done this before?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Do you mind if I show you?” she said and with that she held up a few dollars and a stripper came over to her and she popped a dollar into her panties slowly.

“Ah. ha!,” I said nodding.

“So, you ready?” she asked and winked.

“Yeah,” I mimicked her and held out a few dollars and when the stripper came over she knelt down and leaned very close. I put a dollar in her bra, which was already quite stuffed with dollars. She smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Now,” laughed the Kerry look-a-like. “That is new.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“They’re not supposed to touch you,” Kerry look-a-like stated. “And we are not supposed to touch them unless invited. Now, I’m guessing that’s an invitation.”

“Uhhhhhhh for what?” I asked.

“Oh, wow. You really are adorable,” she said staring at me. “And you smell good too.”

” Er. Thanks,” I replied, a bit amazed that she seemed to be coming onto me.

As we were doling out dollar bills to the strippers, I found out the Kerry look-a-like’s name was Cheryl and, like me, she was into girls.

The stripper up on stage that had kissed me on the cheek kept coming back over to Cheryl and me and as I was popping a dollar in her glittering purple panties this stripper grabbed me and kissed me. Cheryl, stood there shocked and started laughing at me locking lips with the stripper.

Without thinking I grabbed the Kerry-look-a-like’s hand and started kissing her softly. She kissed back and the fact that we were in a strip joint didn’t even seem to matter. I couldn’t help, but remind myself while kissing her that it wasn’t really Kerry. The stripper didn’t seem to be doing her job quite right, as she had gotten off of the stage and started kissing both of us. So, naturally when you have three women kissing and groping each other in a male strip joint, we became the show instead of the catwalk of strippers working their stuff above us. It didn’t take long before the security guards came over and escorted the stripper back to her post and asked us to back away from the stage.

Remembering my brother was there and was with his friends, I exchanged numbers with Cheryl hastily and ran over to his group where he stood completely mortified.

“Dude, your sister is sooooo cool,” one of the guys said.

“That was soooo hot,” another one of his friends said.

Seeing my brother’s expression of surprise and shock, I said,”I think it’s time for another round of beers boys.” - Ruby

Thing, Fling, or Dating?

I was feeling a bit guilty about being so frank with Ruby regarding her relationship…or rather thing, with Kerry; though as her roommate and more importantly her friend it is my job to protect her. She is going to be hurt, I know this. She and Kerry decided to plan a jaunt out to Fire Island together over Memorial Day weekend. I saw the hope for an exclusive lover in Ruby’s eyes and heard the denial of a beautiful disaster in her voice as she described their plans.

“Well,” I began, “You know how I feel Ruby. She is going to hurt you. Even if you do progress into something more than this thing that you have now, are you really comfortable with being an experiment?”

“I love her, Frankie, and I must risk my heart because right now this entire situation is destroying my sanity,” reasoned Ruby.

“That makes sense, I see your point. Though please be careful…remember what happened with Ellen and Anne Heche.” I warned.

“Yes, of course,” Ruby answered,“Ellen wound up with Portia di Rossi, that hot piece of ass.”

I laughed,”Again, I see your point! Well, good luck pursuing your possible almost lover or a hot piece of ass who will soothe your hurting heart. You know that I am always going to support you no matter the outcome. I am off to Brooklyn for a Costco run for this weekend’s camping trip.”

“Oh, that’s right, you’re going camping with your old crazy Staten Island crew. Wild on the Delaware River!! You better be a bit cautious as well, Mother Hen. Isn’t Tater going to be there?”, asked Ruby.

“HA! Tater. I haven’t seen him in ages. Yes, he will be there, though he has a girlfriend. You know that I am not down with OPP.”, I reminded Ruby.

Tater was a former…thing of mine. Just as Kerry was this indescribable thing to Ruby, it had been about eight years ago since Tater, or Paul, and I dated. Poor Paul inherited the nickname Tater when, as a chubby kid our friends decided that he resembled a tater tot. Yes, cruel then, though eventually Paul outgrew the excess weight and the cruel moniker, to become quite the cutie. He worked hard to win me over and did eventually, though bad timing kept us from a substantial relationship. Through the years, we would make out if we wound up at the same party…or camping trip…

“Riiiiiiiight.  There is no chance that he is single?  He is a player, though would make a great weekend partner for exploration within the forest,” Ruby winked.  “As long as those memories don’t allow old feelings to overcome your fun factor.”

I pondered Ruby’s point for a moment and concluded that I was jumping to conclusions.

My phone rang and I saw that Sasha was calling.  “What’s up Momma?”, I answered.

“Frankie!  You sound the same!  ARE YOU READY FOR CAMP KITTATINNY?!?!?!?“, asked an excited familiar man’s voice.

“Ta–Paul,” I corrected myself , “What are you…”

“Oh I am meeting you at Costco with Sasha and Derek”, replied my former flame.  “What is a true Kittatinny reunion camping trip without a pre-party Costco run?”

I thought for moment, looking at Ruby, who was performing an excited, my friend is hooking up this weekend dance, as I spoke, “Oh Paul, great minds think alike.  You’re a man after my own heart. I am leaving now, see you in a bit.”

“Great Babe,” he said before hanging up.

“Yes,” said Ruby, “it never hurts to have a bit of help pitching a tent.” –Frankie

Punch drunk love

“Hey Frankie, what happened to that 12 pack we just bought,” I asked, while standing in the kitchen and staring into the fridge.

“Huh? I thought you drank it. I didn’t have one,” she replied.

“No, I didn’t have any,” I responded. “Who…?”

“Well, we bought it Thursday and I was out all day yesterday, except when you got back,” Frankie interrupted.

“And  Kerry, Cindy were all here yesterday so It had to be one of them. But why would they steal a 12 pack?”

“They didn’t. They drank it,” Frankie said and popped open the garbage can exposing 12 Corona bottle caps along with pizza crusts.

“How is that even possible?” I started to ask and climbed up to our liquor cabinet above the stove.

“What are you doing?” Frankie asked.”What happened yesterday, anyway after I went to sleep?”

“I just want to make sure,” and I said as I grabbed the anisette bottle. I smelled it. Someone had filled it with water. “Shit.  No.”

I climbed down from the cabinet trying to remember the past couple of days. “Country Club was over Thursday night. I went to bed early and he joined me later, but what time I couldn’t say. Then Kerry and Cindy were over yesterday…”

“Yeah, but you guys were already drunk when you showed up Friday and the beer was gone by then because Cindy and I were looking for it,” Frankie said.

“Really?” I asked shocked. “Country Club was up really late Thursday and he was acting weird. Maybe it was him.”

“It was Country Club. It had to have been Country Club. So, he’s history? Maybe what happened was for the best, Ruby,” Frankie said and started looking at the liquor bottles. “This one is water too,” she said and gulped a swig from a vodka bottle. “Yup. Tell me what happened? I’m dying to know…Hello?”

“Well…”I began, “Friday night….”

Kerry and I had gone out to RedSky with some of her friends from the gym and  met up with the guy she went on a date with. Country Club was supposed to meet us there later. We had already had had a couple martinis and were tipsy, laughing and dancing together when the guy she had gone on the date with (we’ll call him’ Hands’) walked up to us and started dancing behind Kerry wildly. It was almost as if he were grinding her from behind and having seizures at the same time.  She raised her eyebrow and grabbed my waist to draw me in close.

“Oh my god, help,” she laughed and whispered in my ear. We both started laughing hysterically.

“This one is all yours,” I said and winked.

Kerry, turned around and gave Hands a kiss on the cheek and stopped dancing, which immediately seemed to calm Hands down.  “Hands this is Ruby,” she said.

“Wow. Yeah, Ruby. Kerry said you were attractive,” he said creepily. Then he laughed and looked at Kerry. “I could take both of you to bed tonight if this one is O.K. with it.”

“Um. My boyfriend should be here soon,” I started feeling a bit awkward and weirded out.

“Ha. I don’t think you’ll have that option,” Kerry said  to Hands looking hurt and pushing him away.

He grabbed her waist. “Come on baby. I was just kidding.”

Cindy showed up at the bar that very moment (Thank God), and after a brief introduction to Hands, Cindy whisked me over to the side. We watched the two love birds interact or rather argue. “What the hell is that, and why do we have to be in a regular bar? I hate straight people,” Cindy said.

“Hey,” I started to respond.

“Shut up, you’re not straight. You’re confused,” Cindy said looking around.

“Yeah right,” I laughed. “Where the hell is Country Club anyway?”

Cindy and I started dancing together as we talked. “What the hell does she see in that dude?” Cindy said, laughing, and referring to Hands and Kerry who were now dancing together. He kept trying to feel her up as they were dancing and she kept removing his hands from her body.

“He’s vegan,” I retorted a bit jealous that someone was touching Kerry that way. “I don’t know. I guess he’s kind of cute for a guy. He’s a pig though.”

“A pig, you’d like to be right now,” Cindy said laughing. “Get over it, baby. And what is this fucking thing with Country Club?”

“I like Country Club. He’s my boyfriend and I am fucking him,” I said getting a bit mad at Cindy.

“Ewwwww. Man on woman sex is disgusting,” Cindy said laughing and put her arms around me and started dancing close and teasingly. “Come on. You know you like pussy.”

“Oh baby…” I said laughing at Cindy trying to look sexy.

I felt someone put their hands on my back, turned quickly, and felt relieved that it was Kerry.  She whispered in my ear, “I want to go back to your place and ditch the weirdo.”

“What you had enough?” I laughed. “O.K. Cindy will be relieved to get out of here too,” I said laughing.

Kerry spoke to Hands briefly before leaving and the three of us left the bar to go chill out at my apartment. I dialed Country Club on the way, but he didn’t answer the phone. When we got to the apartment I put on some music and Frankie joined us.  The four of us danced around to “Girls just want to have fun”. Cindy and I  pretended to be Hands and kept grabbing at Kerry.

“What a fucking jerk!” Cindy exclaimed. “I want pizza. What some?”

“I do,” Frankie said.

“I’m going to put on pajamas,” I responded and started stumbling toward the bedroom.

“O.K. We’ll be back,” Cindy said quickly, grabbed her coat and trotted out of the apartment with Frankie singing Cyndi Lauper loudly.

Kerry followed me into the bedroom. We were both tipsy and laughing. “I get the blue pajamas,” Kerry said going through my dresser drawer.

“Who do you think you are?” I said laughing and started to undress.

I was down to my undies when I turned around and saw that Kerry had also undressed and was laying in her underwear (a purple thong) suggestively on my bed. “Come here,” she said.

“O.K.” I said trying not to sound too excited even though I was ready to jump into bed and do what every she wanted. I grabbed the pajamas and threw them at her. “Get dressed. What do you want?”

She started to cry. “Awww. What’s wrong?” I said feeling stupid and pulled her close. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” she wailed.

God, she is really drunk, I thought. I’m really drunk, I thought. “Is it that guy? He wasn’t worth it. Especially not crying for.”

She giggled a little. “What’s wrong with me? These A-holes are so shitty and all I mean are A-holes!” she said sobbing again. I held her and listened. I could empathize. I had gone out with enough men to know that half of them were like Hands.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” she asked half sobbing. “Can you hold me?”

“Sure,” I said completely baffled. I wrapped my arms around her and she pulled the sheets up over us.  I was confused. I thought she didn’t like me this way. We lay in bed, the two of us. Just cuddling and Kerry softly crying. At some point we must have fallen asleep.

I woke up to a loud bang and someone shouting “Oh my god!” It was Cindy.

There was another loud bang and Cindy bolted into the room cautiously. “Ruby! What the hell?”

I looked at her confused until I realized what Kerry and I must have looked like. Her legs and arms were wrapped around my body and her face was in the pillow right by my face.  Kerry woke up and giggled a little. “Oh, who cares?”

“Cin. It’s not what you think?” I started to say. “We were sleeping…”

“Please,” Cindy who had appeared at the door and was glaring at Kerry. “I don’t care. Her boyfriend will care though! He’s crazy!  When Frankie and I came back, I came to get you, but I saw the two of you two in bed…so told her you guys had fallen asleep so we decided to crash and I grabbed the couch.  At around 3, Country Club started banging at the door. He was extremely drunk. I answered and said I wouldn’t let him come in, and he tried to get past me. He nearly punched me, but hit the door. I told him I would call the police if he didn’t leave,” Cindy said.

“Oh. Shit,” I said trying to free myself from Kerry’s clutches. “Did he get in? Are you O.K.? Where is Frankie?”

Kerry giggled and pulled herself closer to me. “Come on. You don’t need him or her,” she said and giggled again.

“You’re drunk,” I said to Kerry. “Stop it and go back to sleep.”

Kerry let go, turned over and covered her head with a pillow and sighed.

“She’s asleep. No. You dope,” Cindy said. ” I can handle myself. He left and started screaming at the door that it was over with you and he was done with you, and hated dykes,” she said.”He’s insane and a mess.”

“Something must have happened,” I said shocked and embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Something must have…” Cindy said looking at Kerry.

I shrugged and shook my head. “No…”

“Yeah, right. Well, I’m crashing on the couch,” Cindy said gesturing toward Kerry. “Have fun with that one. I’m never answering your door again. AND…” Cindy whispered, “I told you, you like pussy.” – Ruby

Did He Use the R-Word??

Time to buckle down. My savings is dwindling, it’s April 15, and I am hoping for The Fed to step in and save my inheritance; well TARP or the New York Lottery ($109 million?!??!?!). I definitely have a better shot at winning the lottery than relying on any government agency.

I am trying to find a job at a time when landing a job is a far greater feat than finding Jimmy Hoffa. And finding a job within publishing?   A move to the financial sector would probably be a better career choice!

My eyes feel like they are bleeding as I search Mediabistro and Monster.  After digging through STUFF in my apartment, I find my business card holder.  SCORE!!  Why am I excited?  Here I am sitting on my living room floor, various versions of my resume and cover letter scattered everywhere.  Another unfortunate soul added to the unbelievable number of unemployed New Yorkers.  “Yea, good luck Frankie,” I say to myself sarcastically.

Picking up my phone to ring my first and most helpful recruiter, I am shocked as it rings.  No name, though a familiar number, though not sure who it…hmmm…oh what the hell; I’m bored.

“Hello?”, I said

“Hey Sexy, how have you been?”, said the unmistakable voice of Adam

I giggled a bit, “I am…”, I thought about it for a minute, “I am OK; hanging in there.”, I responded. “Yes, tough times right now”, he added.  We chatted for about 20 minutes, which was strange considering our history.

Adam finally asked, “Frankie, I just returned from tour in Europe; would you mind if I came over?”

“Adam, I am not really in the mood.”  I had to admit, I was so, very, VERY sexually frustrated that the PETA people were going to be on my tail citing animal cruelty against my Rabbit.  Though, Adam no longer did it for me.  Sure, you can never truly know if a partner is telling the truth about their history however, having received an invitation to the bacchanalia changed my entire opinion regarding sex with Adam.

“Well, Frankie”, he began,  “I wanted to discuss something.  You are so easy to talk to and great to hang out with and I was wondering if you would…possibly…considering trying to move our relationship to another level?”

Adam never ceases to amaze me.  Is he for real?  “Are you for real?”, I asked without thinking.  I sounded like a complete asshole.

“What?  Oh, thanks, Frankie, that was kind of shitty”, he said, sounding hurt.

“I apologize, I did not mean to say it the way it sounded.  I am flattered, Adam, really, though I can never look at you as anything other than (this would be the perfect moment to save myself from that last emasculating jab)…my great lover who always came through and delivered in my time of need.”

“Well, fine that will do,” he said, “And uh, perhaps you have some single friends?”

“EWWWWW, you are gross; we are not into sloppy seconds ’round here,” I replied, while laughing. We ended our conversation, still as friends, though definitely no longer lovers.

Finally, I picked up the phone and contacted the recruiter.  She was pleasantly surprised to hear from me and sympathetic for my current situation.

“Linda, I will even take something in finance, I don’t need to return to publishing just yet,” I informed the perky little woman on the other end.

“So strange, though great news!  RD Capital Partners has an opening for an executive assistant; one of their girls is taking maternity leave–this could turn into a permanent position and great pay–$25/hour!  What do you say?  They always ask if you are on the market again and absolutely love you!”

I worked for the firm a few years ago while on the job hunt before I landed my last position.  What a great team to work with each day; I was in!  “Linda, I would love to!”

Sorry Adam, seems like some of us are gettin’ lucky today!–Frankie