Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, “Fuck you and your untouchable face,” and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, “Untouchable Face” on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it’s rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I’ve never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let’s call her Stalker. I’m not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta’s for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a “hot” partner that she could mother children with.

“I know most lesbians don’t want kids, but I do,” she explained. “I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?”

“Oh, well, uh, down the road,” I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, “when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on,” she said.

“Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes,” I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

“Ouch!”

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, “Ouch,” meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. “Hey, hey, stop it!”

“Come on Ruby, I know you want me,” Stalker said. “I know you think I’m hot.”

“Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first,” I said, meaning, ‘as in no way’.

She didn’t get it.

“I can give it to you sloooow,” she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

“Whhoooaaaa there,” I said pushing her back a little bit. ” I mean, for real. We might work  better as friends,” I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

“I want to fall in love,” she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. “I’ve always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me,” she explained. “Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend,” she inquired.

“I’m looking for a little bit of both,” I said and slurped down an oyster. “Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends,” I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. “Well, I’m just going to let you know up front that I’ve slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed,” she said.

“No problem, I won’t try to compete,” I said, and meant it. I don’t know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn’t do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the  next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

“Errr. I want to take things slow,” I explained. “You know that expression fools rush in and everything.” - Ruby

Baring it all

After a half a week of heartbreak, a box of Lucky Charms, 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and about a million re-runs of the L-Word, I was ready to hit the  gym again.

Besides working, the gym had become part of my routine and I wanted to keep it up. I started running on the treadmill at times I knew Kerry wouldn’t be teaching yoga. I hadn’t called her back; mostly because I didn’t know what to say to her. Kerry’s calls were becoming  sparse. That was OK by me. Even though I missed our conversations and being around her, I knew this seperation had to be for the best for both of us.I wanted to feel wanted, sexually. Something I had wanted but would never feel with Kerry.

And wanted is exactly what I got, but completely by accident.

My brother was having his 23 birthday party at a strip club with some of his friends. Being the, “cool” sister that I was I headed over to Ricks in midtown to check out the scene.  My brother and his friends were drinking at the bar and watching the girls. Well gawking is more like it.  But they were more like terrified boys. The girls were dancing for money and asking if they wanted lap dances, but the guys weren’t getting that. They thought this might as well have been free.

“Guys,” I said, handing my brother ten bucks, “You have to tip them.”

“Er, like how. I dunno how to do that,” said one of the boys. “I’d pay to see you do it though,” he laughed. Five of his friends laughed along with him.

“Yeah, right,” my brother said. “Like you’d tip a stripper.”

“Why not? Fine with me,” I said. “Give me some cash.”

I, of course, wound up with twenty one dollar bills ( thanks to the young company) and took toward the stage with dough in hand not knowing exactly how to tip a stripper in what appeared to be a club full of mostly men staring at naked women. When I got to the stage, I noticed one other dressed woman there at the bottom of the stage, who looked similar to Kerry, but a little fuller (although not overweight).

As I stood watching the woman dance above me and wondered how to give them the cash this Kerry look-a-like inched closer to me. “Hey,” she said and smiled. “Have you ever done this before?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Do you mind if I show you?” she said and with that she held up a few dollars and a stripper came over to her and she popped a dollar into her panties slowly.

“Ah. ha!,” I said nodding.

“So, you ready?” she asked and winked.

“Yeah,” I mimicked her and held out a few dollars and when the stripper came over she knelt down and leaned very close. I put a dollar in her bra, which was already quite stuffed with dollars. She smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Now,” laughed the Kerry look-a-like. “That is new.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“They’re not supposed to touch you,” Kerry look-a-like stated. “And we are not supposed to touch them unless invited. Now, I’m guessing that’s an invitation.”

“Uhhhhhhh for what?” I asked.

“Oh, wow. You really are adorable,” she said staring at me. “And you smell good too.”

” Er. Thanks,” I replied, a bit amazed that she seemed to be coming onto me.

As we were doling out dollar bills to the strippers, I found out the Kerry look-a-like’s name was Cheryl and, like me, she was into girls.

The stripper up on stage that had kissed me on the cheek kept coming back over to Cheryl and me and as I was popping a dollar in her glittering purple panties this stripper grabbed me and kissed me. Cheryl, stood there shocked and started laughing at me locking lips with the stripper.

Without thinking I grabbed the Kerry-look-a-like’s hand and started kissing her softly. She kissed back and the fact that we were in a strip joint didn’t even seem to matter. I couldn’t help, but remind myself while kissing her that it wasn’t really Kerry. The stripper didn’t seem to be doing her job quite right, as she had gotten off of the stage and started kissing both of us. So, naturally when you have three women kissing and groping each other in a male strip joint, we became the show instead of the catwalk of strippers working their stuff above us. It didn’t take long before the security guards came over and escorted the stripper back to her post and asked us to back away from the stage.

Remembering my brother was there and was with his friends, I exchanged numbers with Cheryl hastily and ran over to his group where he stood completely mortified.

“Dude, your sister is sooooo cool,” one of the guys said.

“That was soooo hot,” another one of his friends said.

Seeing my brother’s expression of surprise and shock, I said,”I think it’s time for another round of beers boys.” - Ruby

When you play with fire…

Kerry and I arrived at Cherry Grove in Fire Island Sat. afternoon.  Kerry let me decide where we should spend Memorial Day weekend, and I chose Fire Island because if I had any chance with Kerry (if she was the slightest bit interested at all) I figured it would be where  homosexuality was openly accepted.

We dropped our bags off at the Grove Hotel and headed out to the beach in our bikinis. I had packed a picnic in a backpack and laid it out on a blanket on the sand. Two  sandwiches, Sun Chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We stretched out in the sun, laughed and chatted.

At one point I was laying down on my side. Kerry reached over and put her hand on my cheek. She pushed me over onto my back and leaned forward over me. so she was looking into my eyes directly. They were like heavy and anxious, waves before a storm. I couldn’t help it.  She was too serious. I laughed and started to tickle her.  She fell on top of me in hysterical laughter. “Ruby,” Kerry started to explain and backed up after she caught her breath.” I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can. I… “

“I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to do,” I interrupted, laughing still. “Besides have fun, and I know that’s just about impossible to do with me.”

“That’s not the problem,” she said and smiled one of those smiles that just lit me up inside.

Later that night we went out to the bar across the hotel pool where there was a DJ playing music. We were dancing and singing Katie Perry when two girls came up to us at the bar.

“Hey ladies. Lovely evening,” an attractive but a bit intimidating butch said, “You with her?” she continued as she nodded toward Kerry.

“No,” I answered.

“Yes,” Kerry answered at the same time and threw her arm around my waist.  “What do you mean no? How long has it been honey? Six months?”

“Um. Well I’ll let you work that out,” the butch said laughing and left. Kerry glared at me. ” Don’t you ever do that again,” she said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Leave me hanging like that,” Kerry fixing her bikini top and the  sweatshirt she had over it.

“Whatever,” I said. “I wanna dance.”

We were both pretty drunk by this point. Lady Gaga’s Poker Face was on, the bar was thumping and Kerry’s hands were on my waist and back. My hands were around her waist and one was on her butt. I wanted her. I could feel her breath on my face. She ran her hand across my breasts either purposely or accidentally (I couldn’t tell which). My lips were on her neck. I went to kiss her neck, but she turned away and two other girls from the crowd came up to us and started dancing with us.

One of the girls was grinding against Kerry’s back and groping her from behind.  Kerry didn’t seem to mind and then saw me in front of her dancing with another girl, not as flirtatiously. It was like she had been launched out of a catapult. She was across the floor in an instant with her arms around my shoulder and waist, clinging to me. Her skin was soft and sweaty. “I want to go back to the room,” she whispered.

So we did. Kerry went to the bathroom for a very long time, so I changed into my pjs and hopped into one of two beds we had in the room and turned on the TV. When Kerry returned from the bathroom she hopped in the other bed and fell asleep fast. Too fast it seemed. I got out of bed and laid down next to her. She didn’t budge. When I woke up. She was already on the beach.

At breakfast I confronted her. “I’ve been thinking and I’d like to be with you,” I said. “I want to be with you too,” Kerry said. “But I don’t think I can do the lesbian thing and you are such a great friend. I don’t want to blow that. Can’t we just leave things as they are?”

I felt hurt and betrayed. How could I tell Kerry that I couldn’t be another minute around her wanting to kiss her? It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t even look at other girls because I felt like I was committed to Kerry. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her. “You either want to be with me or you don’t. It’s just that simple,” I stated with gritted teeth.

“Then I guess I don’t,” she retorted. “Even if I were to sleep with a girl it’d probably be with someone hotter than you.”

“Fine, glad we got that ironed out,” I said shocked and hurt. We took the next ferry back and drove home, but mostly in silence. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt tortured. I felt hurt and heartbroken too.  I felt duped and most of all disapointed. Kerry has called me every day since then; several times.  I haven’t called her back yet though. I don’t know if I will. – Ruby

Mastering the Scorpion Pose

Breathe, empty your mind and breathe, I was thinking as I practiced trying to achieve a scorpion pose. This pose was difficult, but it I kept my focus I could manage it. I closed my eyes.

My feet were over my head and I had my feet together.  I felt like my feet were almost to my head. Then I felt Kerry’s body close. Her hand on my back and her other hand slid lightly over my knee.

BAM! I collapsed.

“Damn it,” I said completely flustered and defeated, rolling over and laying face down on my yoga mat. I was now also very uncomfortably turned on so I shut my legs. I couldn’t help it around Kerry anymore.  My underpants became flood territory anytime she was near and in yoga pants it’s a bit risky.

“Shhh. Relax,” She stretched herself out over me and rubbed my shoulders. “Take your time.”

“Your not helping,” I said as my hormones went from zero to overdrive.

“Ruby,” she laughed and ran her fingers in circles  up and under my shirt on my lower back.

I tried to get up. “O.K. I have to go or I’ll be late,” I said a little annoyed.  What was this act? Was she lying to herself and I was lying to myself ? To protect what? Balance?

Kerry pushed me back onto the mat, playfully. “I have a date tomorrow night,” she said. “I can’t hang out.”

“OK. No worries. Anyone from here?” I asked with a twinge of jealousy as I playfully pushed her back off of me and sprung up.

“No. You don’t know him yet. I met him last weekend at that exhibition. He’s an artist and a vegan, and he’s so cute,” she said as she stood and went over to her grab her water.

“Yay! Where is he taking you?” I began walking toward the locker room.

“Dunno,” she said excited. “I can’t wait!”

We both opened our lockers and then looked at each other. “I’ll be right back. Watch my stuff,” Kerry said awkwardly and walked toward the toilet.

She had been acting a bit weird since I told her that I had feelings for her, but I couldn’t blame her if she wanted to push me away. I did have a boyfriend after all. She should be happy and she should date. This is a good thing, I said to myself.

I grabbed my towel and my things for the shower and undressed. Kerry came back. “Hitting the showers for Country Club?” she asked.

“Yes. I got to look good for my man,” I replied.

“That’s a shame. I like you sweaty,” she teased and reached toward my towel.

I pushed her hand away. “Ha ha. Well, I’m not sleeping with you, sooooo I better get going,” I replied walking away. “Bye bye, baby.”

“Bye, bye sweetie pie. I’ll call tomorrow. I’m heading home, “Kerry said.

Country Club picked me up from the gym and we went over to his place. It was purely a bachelor pad.

He poured some anisette into a pair of tumblers as I put in the DVD  The Dark Knight. There was still some uneasiness there from the last time we had been out to dinner.

He had taken me to the country club that he worked in for dinner. I dressed up and met his colleagues.  It was a little bit awkward and nerve wrecking because his friends, who were obviously all married and talking about their kids, kept asking us when we were going to get married.”Er. Gosh do they allow people to do that, anymore in this country? Isn’t there some proposition against it,” I joked.

After we ate  we retreated to a den with couches, which was beautiful. I was having a pleasant conversation with one man named Richard when Country Club abruptly pulled me away and started shouting at the man.

“Get away from her. She’s none of your business, dad,” he yelled.

“I just want to get to know her and you again,” he pleaded with Country Club. “You are impossible and she seems very pleasant.”

After the party, Country Club explained that that was indeed his father and that they hadn’t spoken in 3 years– ever since his mother and father got divorced. Country Club said his father didn’t usually attend events at the club, but must have felt compelled to since so many members of his family were there.

My reaction: “Say, what?!I just met your family?”

“Yeah, most of them. My brother and sister. Some of my cousins. My dad…”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before we went to the dinner?” I said completely humiliated and hurt that he hadn’t told me beforehand.

“Did you really need to know?” he asked and laughed.

“Yes! Hello. I would never introduce you to my family without telling you who they were? I don’t even know who at that dinner was your sister or your brother! That’s insane!” I yelled.

He drove me back to my place in silence. He called and apologized that later that night.

Now, Country Club and I were back on track, it seemed. I still felt guilty for not telling him that I had feelings for Kerry, but he wouldn’t understand it and it would only ruin what he and I had going. We cuddled on the couch as we watched the movie and sipped our nightcaps. I felt like I could finally breathe,at least momentarily, but I didn’t feel balanced at all. - Ruby

No Returns, No Exchanges, No Store Credit

I needed that girls’ night in at the apartment. My friends are like human emotional pillows and provided a never ending supply both comfort and  Ruffino; they are the absolute best. Though my girls were all chatty and seemingly happy, there had been this strange vibe between Ruby and Kerry.   It wasn’t the standard tension of that pining which Ruby had toward Kerry, No, it was as though Kerry was aware somehow and I couldn’t ignore the tension. I wanted to know what was up, though a sofa coffee session with Ruby must wait; Frannie strikes again.

She rang the next day to tell me that I must immediately come to Grandma’s house and sort through my boxes of STUFF. Surely, you are familiar with the boxes of stuff; they contain your communion/bat mitzvah dress, dance recital costumes…remnants of former boyfriends. Yes, those boxes of stuff which you see only when moving; to the dorms, from the dorms, across the globe, and then to the first apartment. My mother wanted to sell Grandma’s house and move to Florida…yes, you guessed it…with Bucket O’Slime.  She is crazy, does she even recognize that this is not the most ideal time to sell ??  No matter the excuse, there was not hiding it; I was disappointed, as I grew up in that house….so many firsts and now, apparently finals. This is part of the healing, right? Like Frou Frou sings,”Let go…there’s beauty in the breakdown.” For some odd reason I feel like I’m about to break like Linkin Park.

Kim was in town still and offered to come with me for support. A dear friend of mine, Kim is the little sister of my very first boyfriend. Kim and I were thirteen and eighteen, respectively when I met Al. I watched her grow from a mischievous, curious girl into a beautiful, adventurous young woman. Her brother was sweet, handsome, and totally crazy about me and we fell crazy in love. After 3 1/2 years, we grew up and apart from who we were and our perfect relationship. And though Al’s next girlfriend wasn’t too keen on the idea, Kim and I grew closer despite my break from her brother. Families of my other exes have wanted to keep in touch with me, though I was never interested and always wanted a clean break. Kim was different, we formed a truly pure friendship, which included a great deal of laughing, more than a few tears, and of course, memories to fill volumes.

Sorting through boxes, as I heard Frannie discussing meeting with many different real estate agents, Kim and I laughed at the Reebok Pumps, cassette tapes (yes, CASSETTE TAPES), and snap bracelets, among many other items from an ancient era. We came across a large shoebox, which Kim opened.

“Frankie! Did my brother write this??”

I took the frame from her hands and laughed, “Yes, Shakespeare in love; this poem was accompanied by a collection of Shakespeare’s love sonnets. I guess he conducted his research thoroughly  .”

“You were both so innocent, weren’t you?”, she asked.

“Yes, it was a sweet, perfect introduction to the world of dating”, I remembered fondly.

After a few minutes, Kim found yet another fascinating artifact from my former life. “Oh Frankie”, she said, “was this cousin Lana’s wedding?”

I took the frame from her hand and looked at the beautiful couple staring back at me. They were so young and fresh faced; it was the couple formerly known as Al and me. So strange, the young girl physically resembled me; I could barely recognize her.

I shook my head,”Yes, Kim…thirteen months before their divorce. What a shame, these young couples divorcing only a short while after sharing such a festive, beautiful union. Almost seems that being married for two years is a milestone.”

“You know, Frankie, I am cooking dinner for Al this evening. Why don’t you join us?,” suggested Kim, “I think he would like to have you over”.

Though I adore Kim, this amused me a bit. There was a time when I would have jumped at the invitation, convinced that I wanted him again, though it was at that time he married the rebound chick. Since then, they became part of the sad statistic; yet another divorce between two young people after maybe a few years, at most. I know our breakup upset the younger Kim, though was she now attempting to play matchmaker as an adult?

“Thanks Kim, though with everything still fresh, I feel it may be a bit too much for me right now. I really need my comfort zone. However, I expect a full showcase of your culinary ability when I visit! I will bring the wine!”, I said.

She smiled, “I know, wish you would come for a bit, though I understand,” she said giving me a huge hug.

After packing Frannie’s truck for the trip into the big city, I drove Kim to her brother’s house. “Have fun baby, safe travels, give a ring when you arrive home; I love you,” I told her.

“Thank you; love you”, she replied.

Sitting here among these crowded townhouses, in a small, overpopulated NYC suburb, watching Kim climb the steps of Al’s house, I inhaled a large breath of contentment. She turned and waved after opening the front door. For friends, I will always circle around often; for the boys I only come around once in a lifetime. –Frankie

Let Sleeping Ex-Girlfriends Lie

It happened. It’s over. She is gone. My true love and best friend. This house is filled with people, though it feels so empty. I know they are family and mean well (some of them anyway), though they don’t understand, as they are not me nor are they my grandmother. They were never in this situation falling within the dynamic of our relationship. In the midst of this bizarre whirlwind, I realize that I am left to finish raising Frannie…a woman, who at 52 is unable to figure out which is the routing number on her checks–yes, really.

I held it together through the entire process; didn’t cry once, simply don’t feel like anyone deserves to see it. Family is one thing, though my friends are the greatest; Nigella, Ruby, Sasha, Alexis; even Kim made it out from Arizona for our Irish wake. Thank goodness for Pamela who embodies the best qualities of both friend and family; she arrived one hour after the passing and has stayed around watching and helping me. Ruby and I discussed what I had been missing in the neighborhood and her latest kind-of-love-triangle.

“Kerry is extremely pretty and you seem to be perfectly matched mentally,” I reassured Ruby,”though the powers that be, and by The Powers, I mean Cindy, feel she is straight. Sorry Chiquita, I am certainly not able to judge; unless I am out with you at Henrietta’s, if a woman makes a pass at me and I simply think she wants to go shopping or have a day at the spa.  I am totally oblivious to female advances.”

“Oh please Frankie”, Pamela interjected ,”you’re oblivious when anyone hits on you. Ruby, I take this girl out down to Jenk’s, which is a friggin’ meat market, during the summer and she never notices when anyone makes a move…it’s actually entertaining to watch. In my opinion, Ruby, you should ask Kerry what her intentions are, because if she is anything like this one here (gesturing and rolling her eyes toward me), then you will be stuck on your sofa folding her new boyfriend’s boxer briefs.”

“Hey I resent that!”, laughing as I poured another Hennessy neat. Uncle Danny answered the ringing telephone as we girls continued laughing reminiscing in Grandma’s kitchen;  trips to Grandma’s sister, Annie’s house in New Jersey where Pamela, her sister Lynnie and I would play in the backyard for hours or planting tulip bulbs and wax begonias  to complement the daffodils; so many great memories. ..

“Hey, Frankie, phone for you,” he called.

“Who is it?”, I asked

“Dunno,” he replied, “some guy”, and he returned to the family room to join the others.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; would that dick really have the nerve to call me now? I text him earlier to tell him the news, not knowing if he would hear it from a superior nor if  he would care, though still couldn’t bring myself to call him when he asked. My comrades fell silent, all eyes on me as I rose and walked toward the waiting receiver.

“Hello?”, I asked rather than greeted.

“Frankie? Oh Frankie, Bunny Baby, it’s really you…I missed your voice…all I’ve wanted is to speak with you…I need you…I love you…”, said the voice on the other end.

“Ralph??”, I suddenly felt sick, and my friends mouths dropped perfectly in sync. “Oh Frankie, I need you please can we just talk for five minutes…I love you….I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU FRANKIE.”

“Do you even know what is going on here?? Do you even give a fuck???? No of course you don’t…you’re probably still coked up from five years ago, aren’t you?”, I asked, “My grandmother just fuckin’ died and you call her house during her wake asking a favor of me?!?! I despise you, never want to hear from you again…why can’t you just leave me alone??  Don’t go away mad boy, just go away.”

“Frankie, I changed, I swear on my mutha’s eyes…OK fine, I am a lil’ whacked right now…but really, I changed,” he pleaded, “I have a great job now and things have changed.  I’m doin’ good, real good.”

I had to rid myself of this flea…he is the most annoying little insect, that I have ever encountered…like a cockroach, he just will not die!  This was a risk, though I had to try it; no other method was successful in keeping him away.  So, this happened before Ralph and I dated, and it was only one kiss, though perhaps a little embellishment on the truth would make him leave me alone.  He and his older brother John (or Johnny Boy) were always in competition and Ralph’s envy could be my best weapon.

With the girls watching, not knowing what to do, I chugged the remaining Henny from my glass and breathed into the receiver, “Ralph, I can’t take you back…not after discovering Johnny Boy is such a better screw with much better equipment.  In fact, if you see him please pass along my number.  Thanks a bunch! Ciao!”

–Frankie