Love Sick

While Frankie was getting grabbed by blue M&Ms, I was buying a bag of M&M’s for Kerry at Duane Reed. They were her favorite and she needed them.

It had been a busy week. I had been swamped at work, was lining up dates from that night of speed dating for the weekend and next week. I was on the phone with Cloe (who was making me turn three shades of pink), when I ran into Kerry (or rather she ran into me literally) while entering Equinox.

“Great so I’ll bring the whipped cream. Yummmmm. So next Sunday, is good then? Great. I’ll see you,” I was saying to Cloe, and opening the door to the gym when Kerry slammed right into me from behind. My gym bag flew into a nearby bush.

“Ladies first, hot stuff,” Kerry said shoving past me and teetered by me.

“Uhhh. Sorry, Cloe. Yes, Sunday. I’ll call you back,” I said while recovering my bag and hung up. What the hell was Kerry doing here now and what was her problem. She was here on her day off? Had they switched her schedule? She had nerve. Who did she think she was shoving, anyway?

I caught up with her in the locker room. She looked half-cocked and was standing by the sink swaying. “You know, you don’t have to be such a pushy bitch,” I quipted.

“Baby, baby. I miss you,” Kerry said softly and smiled and planted a kiss on my lips, throwing her arms around me. Her lips were soft and warm and she smelled like powder.

I was tempted to just stay there with her soft arms wrapped around me. I pushed her away. She was completely unbalanced and once I realized she was going to hit the ground like a rag doll, I scrambled and caught her. “Shit, what is wrong with you?”

“Wrong?” Kerry said. “Oh, what could be wrong? I have you. I have Greg (her boyfriend). I have everything,” she said giggling and tried to kiss me again.

I put my hand over her mouth. “You don’t have me.” Her face was flushed and her head seemed hot. I put my hand on her forehead. “You are burning up,” I said to Kerry. “Are you sick?”

“Sick, sick, love sick,” she said, trying to plant another kiss on me. “Will you take care of me, my love? Maybe we should go in there,” she said and motioned suggestively toward the bathroom stall.

“Yes, you are very sick,” I said and shook my head. “Come with me.” I brought Kerry out to the front of the gym and asked the manager if Kerry had been sick. He took one look at her and asked me if he should call an ambulence.

Instead, we cabbed it to the hospital. Kerry put her head in my lap in the cab and cried. ” Do you want me to call Greg?” I offered, gritting my teeth. They had been together for a few months now and the thought of Kerry with this really nice jock made me sick to my stomach even though I was happy for her.

“Noooo,” Kerry wailed. ” You take care of me. You,” she said.

I grabbed her phone and texted Greg anyway.

When we got to the hospital we sat and waited fo a half an hour and then Kerry was ushered into a doctors office. I tried to follow, but since I wasn’t family they told me I couldn’t accompany her. I waited in the lobby until the doctor came out and told me he wanted to watch Kerry overnight because she had walking pnemonia and was dehydrated. He showed me to her room and told me that visiting hours would be over soon but that they would take good care of her, and I could probably pick her up and take her home in the morning if she was better.

“Hey sicko,” I said and entered The room. Kerry was in bed attached to an IV.

“Keep me warm and snuggle with me,” she said, scooting over so I could lay next to her on the bed. ”You know I always thought we were soul mates, but maybe soul mates are really not meant to be together,” Kerry said and nuzzled her face into my neck. One thing I did know about Kerry is she had little tolerance for alcohol and drugs, even pescription medication.

“Kerry,” I said uncomfortably and turned to look her in the eyes. Shit, I missed her. “Let’s not go there. We’re good. Ok?”

“Excuse me,” said an overweight older woman in a nurse outfit. She was eying me in such a suspisious way that I could have crawled under the bed. “Visiting hours are over so you will have to leave.”

“She is staying,” insisted Kerry. “I can’t sleep without her. I need her here. She’ll be real quiet and just snuggle under the covers with me. I promise,” Kerry said in a whoosy voice.

The nurse looked like she could spit fire. “Rules are rules,” responded the nurse.

I got up out of the bed and gave Kerry a hug. ” I’ll see you first thing tomorrow ,” I said.

Kerry burst into tears. Another nurse entered the room.  ” No. I don’t want you to gooooooo,” she said. “I fucked it all up, and I’ll never see you agaaaaiiin. AND I HATE HOSPITALS!”

The nurse looked at me and then at Kerry repeatedly. “What!” Kerry said. “I love her. Let her stay.” Kerry grabbed at my shirt and pulled me toward the bed.

“Kerry, I’ll be back tomorrow. Chill out,” I said calmly unhooking her claws. If it’s possible to feel mortified and happy at the same time that’s what I was feeling. “I’ll bring Greg too. I texted him so I’m sure he’ll be here soon and I’ll tell him to come pick you up in the morning. I’m sure he’s worried about you.” Where the hell was he, anyway?

“Where is Greg? Promise me you’ll come back before I wake up,” Kerry said.

“Okay. I’ll bring M&Ms like we always had for breakfast on Sunday. Calm down and go to bed,” I said.

“Okay,” Kerry said. “M&Ms….” Kerry said and yawned.

I left and bumped into Greg in the waiting room. He had flowers and looked petrified.

“We can come back and get her in the morning,” I explained. “I’ll meet you here at 7am.”

“That’s really early?” he started.

“Be there or be….whatever,” I trailed off and headed home where I found Cindy waiting with a six pack and pizza.

“You didn’t really  need to go to the gym anyway,” Cindy said smiling. “Come on, I have six dates this week, Jane has five, what does your week look like Ruby Tuesday.”

“Shut up,” I hated that nickname. “I have seven.”

“Did you double book this week?” Cindy asked.

“Yes,” I said blushing. - Ruby

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When you play with fire…

Kerry and I arrived at Cherry Grove in Fire Island Sat. afternoon.  Kerry let me decide where we should spend Memorial Day weekend, and I chose Fire Island because if I had any chance with Kerry (if she was the slightest bit interested at all) I figured it would be where  homosexuality was openly accepted.

We dropped our bags off at the Grove Hotel and headed out to the beach in our bikinis. I had packed a picnic in a backpack and laid it out on a blanket on the sand. Two  sandwiches, Sun Chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We stretched out in the sun, laughed and chatted.

At one point I was laying down on my side. Kerry reached over and put her hand on my cheek. She pushed me over onto my back and leaned forward over me. so she was looking into my eyes directly. They were like heavy and anxious, waves before a storm. I couldn’t help it.  She was too serious. I laughed and started to tickle her.  She fell on top of me in hysterical laughter. “Ruby,” Kerry started to explain and backed up after she caught her breath.” I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can. I… “

“I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to do,” I interrupted, laughing still. “Besides have fun, and I know that’s just about impossible to do with me.”

“That’s not the problem,” she said and smiled one of those smiles that just lit me up inside.

Later that night we went out to the bar across the hotel pool where there was a DJ playing music. We were dancing and singing Katie Perry when two girls came up to us at the bar.

“Hey ladies. Lovely evening,” an attractive but a bit intimidating butch said, “You with her?” she continued as she nodded toward Kerry.

“No,” I answered.

“Yes,” Kerry answered at the same time and threw her arm around my waist.  “What do you mean no? How long has it been honey? Six months?”

“Um. Well I’ll let you work that out,” the butch said laughing and left. Kerry glared at me. ” Don’t you ever do that again,” she said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Leave me hanging like that,” Kerry fixing her bikini top and the  sweatshirt she had over it.

“Whatever,” I said. “I wanna dance.”

We were both pretty drunk by this point. Lady Gaga’s Poker Face was on, the bar was thumping and Kerry’s hands were on my waist and back. My hands were around her waist and one was on her butt. I wanted her. I could feel her breath on my face. She ran her hand across my breasts either purposely or accidentally (I couldn’t tell which). My lips were on her neck. I went to kiss her neck, but she turned away and two other girls from the crowd came up to us and started dancing with us.

One of the girls was grinding against Kerry’s back and groping her from behind.  Kerry didn’t seem to mind and then saw me in front of her dancing with another girl, not as flirtatiously. It was like she had been launched out of a catapult. She was across the floor in an instant with her arms around my shoulder and waist, clinging to me. Her skin was soft and sweaty. “I want to go back to the room,” she whispered.

So we did. Kerry went to the bathroom for a very long time, so I changed into my pjs and hopped into one of two beds we had in the room and turned on the TV. When Kerry returned from the bathroom she hopped in the other bed and fell asleep fast. Too fast it seemed. I got out of bed and laid down next to her. She didn’t budge. When I woke up. She was already on the beach.

At breakfast I confronted her. “I’ve been thinking and I’d like to be with you,” I said. “I want to be with you too,” Kerry said. “But I don’t think I can do the lesbian thing and you are such a great friend. I don’t want to blow that. Can’t we just leave things as they are?”

I felt hurt and betrayed. How could I tell Kerry that I couldn’t be another minute around her wanting to kiss her? It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t even look at other girls because I felt like I was committed to Kerry. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her. “You either want to be with me or you don’t. It’s just that simple,” I stated with gritted teeth.

“Then I guess I don’t,” she retorted. “Even if I were to sleep with a girl it’d probably be with someone hotter than you.”

“Fine, glad we got that ironed out,” I said shocked and hurt. We took the next ferry back and drove home, but mostly in silence. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt tortured. I felt hurt and heartbroken too.  I felt duped and most of all disapointed. Kerry has called me every day since then; several times.  I haven’t called her back yet though. I don’t know if I will. – Ruby

Let Sleeping Ex-Girlfriends Lie

It happened. It’s over. She is gone. My true love and best friend. This house is filled with people, though it feels so empty. I know they are family and mean well (some of them anyway), though they don’t understand, as they are not me nor are they my grandmother. They were never in this situation falling within the dynamic of our relationship. In the midst of this bizarre whirlwind, I realize that I am left to finish raising Frannie…a woman, who at 52 is unable to figure out which is the routing number on her checks–yes, really.

I held it together through the entire process; didn’t cry once, simply don’t feel like anyone deserves to see it. Family is one thing, though my friends are the greatest; Nigella, Ruby, Sasha, Alexis; even Kim made it out from Arizona for our Irish wake. Thank goodness for Pamela who embodies the best qualities of both friend and family; she arrived one hour after the passing and has stayed around watching and helping me. Ruby and I discussed what I had been missing in the neighborhood and her latest kind-of-love-triangle.

“Kerry is extremely pretty and you seem to be perfectly matched mentally,” I reassured Ruby,”though the powers that be, and by The Powers, I mean Cindy, feel she is straight. Sorry Chiquita, I am certainly not able to judge; unless I am out with you at Henrietta’s, if a woman makes a pass at me and I simply think she wants to go shopping or have a day at the spa.  I am totally oblivious to female advances.”

“Oh please Frankie”, Pamela interjected ,”you’re oblivious when anyone hits on you. Ruby, I take this girl out down to Jenk’s, which is a friggin’ meat market, during the summer and she never notices when anyone makes a move…it’s actually entertaining to watch. In my opinion, Ruby, you should ask Kerry what her intentions are, because if she is anything like this one here (gesturing and rolling her eyes toward me), then you will be stuck on your sofa folding her new boyfriend’s boxer briefs.”

“Hey I resent that!”, laughing as I poured another Hennessy neat. Uncle Danny answered the ringing telephone as we girls continued laughing reminiscing in Grandma’s kitchen;  trips to Grandma’s sister, Annie’s house in New Jersey where Pamela, her sister Lynnie and I would play in the backyard for hours or planting tulip bulbs and wax begonias  to complement the daffodils; so many great memories. ..

“Hey, Frankie, phone for you,” he called.

“Who is it?”, I asked

“Dunno,” he replied, “some guy”, and he returned to the family room to join the others.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; would that dick really have the nerve to call me now? I text him earlier to tell him the news, not knowing if he would hear it from a superior nor if  he would care, though still couldn’t bring myself to call him when he asked. My comrades fell silent, all eyes on me as I rose and walked toward the waiting receiver.

“Hello?”, I asked rather than greeted.

“Frankie? Oh Frankie, Bunny Baby, it’s really you…I missed your voice…all I’ve wanted is to speak with you…I need you…I love you…”, said the voice on the other end.

“Ralph??”, I suddenly felt sick, and my friends mouths dropped perfectly in sync. “Oh Frankie, I need you please can we just talk for five minutes…I love you….I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU FRANKIE.”

“Do you even know what is going on here?? Do you even give a fuck???? No of course you don’t…you’re probably still coked up from five years ago, aren’t you?”, I asked, “My grandmother just fuckin’ died and you call her house during her wake asking a favor of me?!?! I despise you, never want to hear from you again…why can’t you just leave me alone??  Don’t go away mad boy, just go away.”

“Frankie, I changed, I swear on my mutha’s eyes…OK fine, I am a lil’ whacked right now…but really, I changed,” he pleaded, “I have a great job now and things have changed.  I’m doin’ good, real good.”

I had to rid myself of this flea…he is the most annoying little insect, that I have ever encountered…like a cockroach, he just will not die!  This was a risk, though I had to try it; no other method was successful in keeping him away.  So, this happened before Ralph and I dated, and it was only one kiss, though perhaps a little embellishment on the truth would make him leave me alone.  He and his older brother John (or Johnny Boy) were always in competition and Ralph’s envy could be my best weapon.

With the girls watching, not knowing what to do, I chugged the remaining Henny from my glass and breathed into the receiver, “Ralph, I can’t take you back…not after discovering Johnny Boy is such a better screw with much better equipment.  In fact, if you see him please pass along my number.  Thanks a bunch! Ciao!”

–Frankie

Dr. Jackson and Mr. Dick

I never thought that I would ever be so happy to see this island again! No, not Grand Turk (though it was the most beautiful, unadulterated little sliver of sand); I am actually grateful to be at Grandma’s house… in…yes…Staten Island. After only a few days following our return to Deliverance country from the cruise, I had enough of PeeWee’s playhouse and demanded that we return to NYC with Grandma. Reasons to leave? Oh, where do I begin? I told Frannie what transpired between her scumbag boyfriend and myself.

She responded to my accusation only after consulting Mr. Wonderful,”Why do you want to destroy my happiness?? You must have misunderstood. He was only trying to show you how thankful he is that you left your boyfriend during the holidays and comfort you during this difficult time”.

“Oh yes, M-O-M, he showed me how grateful he is”, I quipped.

“Oh Frankie, please, you think every man wants you because you are pretty”, she accused and continued,”was he hard when he did this?”

I was stunned, motionless where I stood; did she really ask that question? “Well, you were never one to offer emotional shelter why should you start now?”, I stung the woman with my words. She glared at me, tears in her eyes, screamed from her gut and threw her phone, which missed me and smashed into little pieces on the floor.

Five minutes later I contacted JetBlue on my phone to change our flight and one day later we were returning to NYC, as a happy little family.

I am lying in bed in my old room, as Hospice prepares Grandma’s bed downstairs. She is in so much pain, her mind is deteriorating and we are unable to care for her alone.

Speaking of caregivers, where is Lucifer? The last I heard from him was Monday when he text me, simply saying that he missed my warmth. I left a voice mail prior to our departure from the airport in Fort Myers, telling him that we were returning early and I was hoping that he would make it out to the Island soon. I wanted his arms, touch; only to be held. I am so sick of crying over this impending emotional hurricane; to lie in his arms and fall soundly asleep for the first time in three months is the best medicine; nearly close to heaven.

I was drifting; only a light sleep, never anything substantial. My phone rang. It’s Lucifer. “Hey Sugar,” he began, “how is everything?”, his voice no longer soothing, almost bored and uninterested.

“We brought in Hospice for Grandma, this is not looking good. I am so tired, though unable to sleep” I replied.

“Sorry Frankie, that is sad.” Something in his voice was not right; it wasn’t the same soothing, warm song that I heard when waking those mornings in his Hell’s Kitchen apartment.

“Are you well? You never responded when I left the message telling you about our early return.”

“UMMM…yea, Frankie…I started seeing other people while you were away.”, He stated coldly.

What?, I asked myself and said, “YOU started seeing other people…after asking ME to be with only YOU?”

“Well, yes”, he answered matter of factly.

“Why would you do this to me…now…with my grandmother on her deathbed?”

“Well, we haven’t been dating that long and then you went away and I didn’t know when you were coming back. You were talking about running down to Panama later in the year and I can’t hold a relationship like that; it is unrealistic. You were being inconsiderate of my needs. I am sorry.” He was so insincere it felt as though I never knew this Dick formerly known as Dr. Feelgood

Oh, he was a mean bastard. I was so angry and tired which made me cranky; he roused this anger within me, a purging of all the shit that had accumulated in three months. “So you made the decision to end things about, what…a week ago, without me? And here you sit, you selfish piece of shit. You probably had a date with her earlier this evening.” He was silent. “Well, I hope you had fun, I may now rest soundly knowing that I am no longer wasting your sweet, precious time…here comes the click Dr. Dick”, I said and hung up.

–Frankie

Dr. Everything will be all right

There is nothing like visiting the gyno. Really.Unfortunately my gynecologist passed away so I had to find a new one, and fast.

The reason being there’s this guy at the gym who I started seeing and my birth control pill prescription has gone kaput.  We shall call him’ Country Club,’ and simply for the fact that he works at one. So in order to have sex, a gyno visit was a necessity.

Kerry helped me out of course. I really don’t know what I’d do without her. Have you ever met someone that just got you and knew what you were saying before you said it? Well, that’s Kerry. So when Country Club asked me out she said, “Wow. Anyone would want to fuck him. I hope you’ve got a full pack.” Of course, I didn’t. Eek!

So I told Kerry my story and after confirming that she wasn’t a lesbian, she recommended I see her gyno and called for an appointment for me, which was beyond nice.

I went to see Dr. G and you know what the visit is like…spread your legs…this may hurt…this is this…that is that…do you have a partner?….everything is fine…we will call you if anything unusual shows up in the tests. Well, Dr. G. finished by asking me back to her office.

“Everything looked great,” she said. “I’m a bit concerned that you don’t seem to have a consistent partner. Is there anything I can help you with there?” she asked and raised an eyebrow.

” Er…..no?” I answered, my mouth hanging open. Huh?

“Well, we might have more in common then you would initially think. It’s not easy out there and I know I have a kid, but I’ve never been married. My partner and I never got there,” she said

‘Is this doctor hitting on me in some sort of fucked up way?’ I thought

“Well,” she sighed. “Here is you prescription and if you need anything. I mean, advice…anything. Please call,” she said,turning away and then suddenly giving me a hug.

“Gee. Thanks. Dr. G.,” I said and walked out completely baffled, and well to be completely honest,  a bit mortified since I think she was hitting on me after looking at my, well…but I got the prescription and my date with Country Club.

I wasn’t sure I should tell Kerry, but I did. She looked kind of like she’d been hit with a baseball bat.

“No,” she said and hugged me. “I’m soooo sorry. I had no idea. I just…Well, wait a minute I don’t get it. Is that a problem?”

“Dude, I don’t care. Whatever. It’s actually kind of flattering I guess,” I replied and shrugged.

“Well, I really don’t blame her,” Kerry replied and touched my shoulder. “If I were into girls, I would be into you,” she said.

“Come on, stop it. That’s bull,” I started to say.

“For real. I’m into guys. You know,” she said looking directly at some sporty punk lifting weights. “Country Club is hot. I mean Hot! But if I were into girls…then it would be someone like you…Do you know what I mean, sweetie?” she asked, hugging me.

“Kerry, baby, if our lives were a book I think we’d be on different chapters,” I responded. – Ruby

Nothin’ Sez Lovin’

As Lucifer’s and my relationship blooms despite the cold winter, Grandma becomes more fragile and weaker daily. I don’t trust him, though I can’t ignore the temptation that he offers to escape this cold, barren garden of testing, treatment and pain. He is beginning to participate with the family and didn’t end our relationship after hearing my duet with Ruby at the Karaoke Bar; he actually thought that my raspy, off key rendition of Love Song was…cute (yes, I laughed as well)! He won over Mom and Grandma during dinner at The View, located atop The Marriott Marquis and then took me to Madison Square Park where he taught me to waltz in the crisp, clear night. After yet another evening filled with truly amazing, almost indescribable passion (I still can’t believe the human body is able to bend that way!), I had to leave him to join Mom and Grandma at the house in Staten Island. We were taking Grandma on that cruise which she always wanted to take, though never did, as she would say, “…there will always be time to go…”.   No time like the present, I say.

Before stepping onto that X1 again, I stopped to join Nigella for coffee at The Hollywood Diner. She and I discussed Grandma’s condition and then of course, Lucifer.

“Frankie, I am happy for you. You seem happy and he seems to be providing you with a distraction, as needed,” observed Nigella.

“Yes, here’s to hoping absence makes the heart grow fonder”, I toasted, tapping our mugs. “Right now I hope that Grandma has the greatest time of her life, as she has always wanted it. And I hope that I can survive two weeks at Steve’s.”

As our port of call for the cruise was Tampa, we were spending the evening preceding and two weeks following the cruise with my mother’s boyfriend.

“Is Frannie’s boyfriend that bad, Frankie?”, asked Nigella.

“I don’t know what it is. He never did anything to me and he seems to make her happy. He is pompous and arrogant…I must say, Nigella, can’t put my finger on it, though he creeps me out a bit.”

“Well, he does live in that tiny little southwest Florida town…can’t you hear the banjo strumming as you approach county line?,” she joked. “Perhaps he was inbred.”, quipped Nigella prompting me to spit out my coffee in a fit of laughter.

After rolling Grandma off of the plane and packing our things into Steve’s Dodge Ram 3500, we were on our way to his little town of Tice, where the center of the town is located at Bud’s General Store, where you may buy groceries, tackle and for the trusted locals, guns and ammo (no kids, not the publication). Back at the ranch, Grandma was watching television in the living room, Mom was nowhere to be seen and I was sitting in the computer room (which was dark except the light of the screen) surfing the Internet when Steve entered the room.

“Hey darlin’, I am just going to slide in here”, he said. I thought he was going to reach over my head for a pen or a sheet of paper. He proceeded to straddle the chair, lower himself behind me, put his arms around my waist (you know, the actual waist which sits just under a woman’s breasts) and pull me into him. I froze, wrapping my arms around myself above his tight hold.

“Remove your fucking arms, stand up and never fucking do that to me again” I calmly demanded. He unwrapped his arms, stood and failed to contest the accusation in my stare. I sat in shock for a few minutes. “Suck it up,” I told myself, “lock the bedroom door when you go to sleep this evening and keep your cool for Grandma.” I couldn’t believe that my mother’s boyfriend just tried to feel me up! My mother’s boyfriend just tried to feel me up as my grandmother sits in the next room watching television and Frannie, where the hell is my mother? WHAT THE FUCK?!?! EWWWWWWW…the only way to totally cleanse myself of this dirty feeling will be to soak in bleach…EWWWWW. I needed to talk to someone from home; someone who knew that this was not appropriate! Ruby, calling Ruby is the answer; she’ll know what to do, she is bright and in the closest thing to a stable mindset right now.

“Heeeellllloooo Chiquita,” she answered, “How is The Sunshine State treating you? I just stepped in from yoga and, Frankie, that girl is…Frankie? Are you there?”

“Uh, yea, Ruby…ummm…yoga, yes, she is a very pretty girl,” I tried, really.

“What happened Frankie?? Is it Grandma? Is she OK???”, Ruby asked

“Yes, she is fine; inside watching Jeopardy! as usual. Ruby, my mother’s boyfriend just hit on me, I mean really blatant, no question…”, I recounted the story.

“Jesus Frankie,” she finally breathed, “that is, so disgusting and disrespectful and…EWWWWWWW!! I understand that you don’t want to disrupt the plan or, please excuse the pun, rock the boat, though you must tell your mother what happened. Do it calmly and whenever you like before returning to Steve’s place after the cruise, though the sooner the better. It will be like removing a band-aid if you do it correctly; quick, painless and will leave only a slight, red mark. Though for now go inside and go to sleep, please, you are running on empty already”.

“Ruby”, I said, “I think I would rather take my chances and sleep out here with the gators”. –Frankie

Not gonna write you a love song

Since I broke up with Limp Dick about a year ago and started my saga back in dating I have been on more disastrous dates then I could have imagined.  Still I wouldn’t trade them in. My adventures over the past year have let me turn more corners and discover that the person I am and also that person who I want to be with has to be (let me not go all cliche on you) unique.  After all, I’d rather go on a bunch of bad dates then be as  sexually frustrated as Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Wouldn’t you?

Anyway, I recently joined a Equinox gym in dire hopes to work off my addiction to Ben & Jerry’s. I decided to try the Yoga class since it supposed to tone and help with focus, but all my mind could focus on was the instructor. Her name was Kerry. She was blond, blue-eyed and there was no way she could be into girls. Right?

We started off with a sun salutation. She did the move and then we repeated until she said stop. As I was saluting the sun she came over, smiling and winked. She didn’t say a word, but quickly slid her hand down my thigh and adjusted my legs and then  quickly adjusted my arms, slid her hands down to my waist and then walked away and went to the next person.

I felt like I had just been frisked by a seductress.

Kerry repeated this throughout the hour session. By the end of it I was soaked…With sweat, that is.

I was throwing my yoga mat in the closet with the others when she introduced herself to me. “Hi-ya! I’m Kerry! Thanks for stopping by my class today. You  know you are pretty flexible well balanced. If you would like to spend a little extra time I could go through some sessions with you so you are able to do more advaced poses. What do you say?”

“Well, I like the class, but I don’t really have the money to hire a personal trainer…” I responded.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…I meant I’d love to just show you. No cost. Just for fun,” she said.

“Oh. Yeah. That’d be cool!”

So I went back the next day and had a private lesson. It was great! I was becoming a yoga master, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of teacher. It was OK though. She was straight, had just broken up with her boyfriend, and completely out of my league so I resigned myself to making her a friend.

Then during our third lesson, after Kerry taught me to do this headstand move, she grabbed my shoulders and started giving me a massage.

“Your t-shirt is kind of getting in the way. Do you mind if I take it off?” she asked.

“Oh, I guess not. I’m wearing a sports bra,” I replied and giggled a bit.

“Oh yeah, maybe I’ll try to convince you to take that off too,” she said laughing.

“Please. You really want to see sweaty boobs,” I said laughing too.

I turned my head and her face was right up to mine. We were both laughing. Then she stopped and touched my face and smiled. I was well flabbergasted. What did that mean? Could she be interested? No, couldn’t be.

“Hey, you know. It’s late and I’m supposed to meet friends over at this Karaoke Bar around the corner,” I started. “Are you outta here? Would you want to come?”

“Sure. That sounds fun,” she said.

We met Frankie, her hot doc,  Cindy and her latest fling and joined in the signing at a table in the bar area.

“Damn. She’s hot,” Frankie said to Cindy softly after Kerry went to get us drinks at the bar.

“She’s also straight,” Cindy whispered back.

“We’re just friends,” I said.

“Friends. You want her ass!” Cindy responded. “I can’t blame you, but she’ll slap you before she kisses you. Consider this your warning. You don’t want to deal with that again.”

“You got slapped?” Frankie asked.

“I kissed this girl in high school and she smacked me. I thought she was into me,” I said. “By the next week I was dating a senior guy.”

“I thought we had lost her for good,” Cindy said laughing.

Kerry came back over with a couple hard cocktails that she said were semi-low carb. They were super sweet and super strong.

Frankie signed me and her up to sing “Love Song” by Sara Bareiles. Frankie started off the song and I followed with the next verse. We sang the song like angry lovers to each other and the choruses together. It was off the hook. We got a standing ovation from everyone in the bar, including Kerry who kissed me on the cheek after we returned to the table. – Ruby

Abashed the Devil Stood…

Pamela and I searched the Internet for one hour after she sent the text. Pamela is the queen of investigation and surveillance; I swear that she missed her calling. When she read the excerpt from a 2007 med school bulletin, “…Justina Jackson, who painted the murals depicting regional…scenery, is the wife of Romeo Jackson, MD/MBA student…”, she could not stop searching.

“Did he ever mention anything about marriage…ever?”, asked Pamela.  I thought for a moment and replied,”We had a conversation last week, which we began by discussing the institution of marriage and then led to the subject of our parents’ respective divorces. He said that he doesn’t think that the ceremonial act of marrying is important and living together is sufficient.” “Frankie”, began Pamela, “perhaps he is divorced”, said Pamela. “No way, why wouldn’t he mention it during that conversation?”, I asked. “I am telling you Frankie, calling it right now”, Pamela continued, “He was married and burned…probably badly. No man is going to tell you that he thinks so casually of marriage unless he has been there in the past and it didn’t work.” “Don’t I have a right to know?”, I asked. “He may not be ready yet”, said Pamela, who was playing devil’s advocate. “Shouldn’t he have given me a choice; I don’t want to date a divorced guy!”, I complained.   “So then don’t date him Frankie; it isn’t a big deal. Plus, you are getting older, your pool of options is becoming smaller and soon, well they will almost all be divorced”, said Pamela. “Well doesn’t THAT sound promising. It can’t be true; can it? Don’t I deserve something wonderful? Why is it that they all have a fucking issue or fifty?”, I asked. “Yes, you do deserve the best, though perhaps you are taking this too seriously. This isn’t something that will directly hurt you; it isn’t an action that he is using against you. This is his; it is something that happened to him, if it did happen; if there is no longer a Justina Jackson who exists in his life”.

Earlier today, I took Grandma to her radiation treatment.  On warm, sunny days, I roll her up to the hospital in her  in her wheelchair, though today’s snowstorm made that quite difficult and we took a taxi. She marveled at the large skyscrapers as we made our way through Times Square and admired the tiny shops which line Ninth Avenue in Hell’s Kitchen. Watching her discover this life so late though still able to enjoy it was so amazing that I didn’t care when my publisher called, apologized, and told me that he had no choice but to lay me off. I expected that call for a few weeks, though I am not worried, as I will always survive. There is just no way that they could wait for me in this economy and I had no other option than to wait for Grandma, as she always waits for me.

While waiting for Grandma to finish her treatment session, I pondered divorce; Lucifer’s possible divorce, my parents’ bitter divorce, and the rhyme and reason for each. Dad had told me that he wanted so badly to make it work, though mom simply didn’t want that life any longer. She wanted to be single again and had no room for this man in her life any longer.  She denies that these accusations are true, though I have been fortunate enough to recognize the trends in her dating throughout the years. I now know that there is simply no way he could be wrong about her cheating heart.

Lucifer and I saw each other only briefly over the last few weeks, as Grandma needed me more and honestly, I was a bit disgusted and not ready to address this issue.  Tonight, I was determined to either coax some answers from him or simply end the relationship.  After dinner with the family this evening, I decided to meet him at the Angelika where we saw Doubt.  Hey, we are both Catholic high school survivors; one atheist and an infidel.  I was taking the night off from Hope Lodge and told him that I would spend the night at his place (well, we’ll see).  We started making out and despite my usually voracious sexual appetite and he being an incredibly adept lover (fine, yes, he is the best that I ever had), I was simply not in the mood.  We stopped at a PG-13 type ending and then lay in bed, as Feist softly hummed 1,2,3,4 in the background, when he asked what I want in a man and I answered, “Someone who is kind…from whom I may learn and…wants more from this life than what they are given. And you?”   He thought for a moment, so beautifully sad when he remembers his past and considers his future. “I want someone who is on my level; not necessarily regarding their choice of career or education.  I could love a rock star…or an artist or a bartender, in fact, my preference would be that they not work within the medical field.  They should want from life what I want.”   Could he have planned to provide a better segue for me to address this issue??  I thought for a moment and asked, “Did you ever think that you found her?”  He breathed deeply and I wondered if he would admit it…though what exactly was it?   Staring at the ceiling  he exhaled a “Yes…I was once married; though I am not…any longer.”  Still a bit stunned no matter how long I prepared, I asked, “Completely divorced? Separated?  Any children?”.  If he mentions children, then I am out of here.  “Completely divorced; it was finalized a year and a half ago.  No kids, I wanted them, but…”, he trailed off.  I turned my body toward him and said,”You don’t have to tell me the story, if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.”

He met my gaze and cautiously began, “Well, we dated for about five years and were married for three.  We were trying to have children; that is what I wanted…and thought she wanted.  She began having an affair with a colleague…and realized that she wanted him more, though made that decision before she realized that she was pregnant.”  I held my breath, though did not offer any further reaction.  He continued,”She said that she didn’t know whose child it was, though I, uh…I calculated…I know that  it was my child.”  I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply.  “And you said that you have no children now?,” I asked, trying to confirm what he was telling me without saying the words.  Apparently, he felt compelled to say the words, “Yea, that’s right Frankie…she aborted it…she didn’t want our child and she chose her lover over her husband.”

He too, bleeds…

–Frankie

Sympathy From the Devil

What day is it?  Wasn’t there something important that happened?  Oh yes, that inauguration thing.  I don’t even bother looking at the calendar these days. Grandma’s condition is not improving and we have been advised by doctors to book the cruise that she always wanted to take. We have become minor celebrities here at Hope Lodge; “The Three Franceses” as they refer to us. Three generations of women who battled cancer to some degree at some point in our lives and watched as it destroyed other family members. Fran, my grandmother, started during the 1960’s with a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. Frannie, my mother, beat breast cancer following radiation and a lumpectomy. After finding me crying on our bathroom floor early last year, Ruby consoled and convinced me that the precancer couldn’t harm me if I addressed it straight away; thankfully, she was right.  We each succeeded due to our innate hunger for survival.

Apparently, Romeo (or Lucifer, his middle name, by which he preferred to be called) was attracted to this lust for life and survival, which he saw in me. After approximately one week of dating, I was gathering my things, heading out after another amazing night off from the cancer hotel opting instead to stay at his studio in the resident housing building located near the hospital. He pulled the waistband of my jeans, as he sat on his bed and begged me to stay another evening. “I can’t”, I replied, “I have to leave and prepare Grandma for her treatment tomorrow”. After another ten minutes of kissing him goodbye and almost submitting to his attempt at undressing me, I jumped up and attempted to leave.  He stood, still holding my hand, looked into my eyes and said, “Frankie, I have never met anyone like you. You are an amazing young woman;  accomplished, strong, affectionate and gorgeous. You exude this warmth that I have never felt from anyone. Please say that you will see only me. Be with me, please.” I thought for a moment, smiled, and replied, “You are great, we share the same interests, you have both an MD and MBA…and oh, yes, you’re unbelievably hot.  Hmmmm…let me think about it, okay? [patting his cheek and tilting my head to one side]“. He playfully threw me on the bed calling me a punk as he tickled me until I yelled “YES!”, still laughing uncontrollably. “Man, I am in trouble”, he said, brushing my face with his lips, though I felt like I was entering dangerous territory.

That was last week and he has been wonderful. Grandma was brought to the ER following an dangerously high blood pressure reading which was taken during her radiation appointment. After working a 12 hour shift at the hospital’s uptown location, Romeo stopped in to check on her and then checked on me as I waited. He knew that I had not eaten anything all day, took me to Burrito Box for take away burritos- my favorite meal; though as a Cali native, he is a bit of a burrito snob (yes, fine, I admit it–El Indio is the best that I have ever eaten in The States). I ate my burrito in record time, easing his concerns about my eating habits, as I was losing a considerable amount of weight–damn nervous energy. “Sugarplum”, he began, as he touched my face, “you are carrying so much right now and I know that protecting you from all of this pain is impossible, though I want to attempt to do what I can…please let me.” I closed my eyes, nodded silently and he began to kiss me passionately. Swiftly picking me up from my chair at the table, he carried me over to the bed. He ran his strong hands up along my stomach, ribs, removing my shirt. His mouth traveled down my neck, arm, along my waist, as he unbuttoned my jeans. He felt amazing, everywhere, every way. I removed his white t-shirt and admired what I still couldn’t believe that I was seeing. His perfectly chiseled chest displayed a ring adorning each nipple. I can’t believe that Dr. Feelgood has nipple rings! Yes, he is a freak, though he is now my freak…my incredibly talented, beautiful freak.

He was still showing me how greatly he wanted to protect me when my telephone rang. “Shit, Darling, wait”, I said while lifting his handsome face and reaching for the screaming phone. Breathlessly I answered,”Hello, Hi…uh, Mom. Yes, just at Romeo’s, um finishing dinner. Sure, leaving now,” and closed the phone. “I have to leave, thank you for everything, Darling,” I said to Romeo, who finally seemed…to…return to Earth. “I’ll walk you over, Sugarplum”, he offered.

After kissing Romeo goodnight and wishing him sweet dreams, I relieved my mother so she could eat at the diner with a friend. Thankfully, the doctors allowed us to return to Hope Lodge with Grandma soon thereafter. After ensuring her comfort and sound sleep, I prepared to slip into my own slumber, hoping to have visions of Romeo’s sugary lips dance around in my head.

As I slid between the sheets, Pamela sent an urgent text asking me to call her immediately. “Hola Mi Prima, Grandma is still fine,” I greeted her,” No need to worry so much this evening. Go to sleep.” “Frankie it isn’t that,” said my partner in crime, “I know that you feel using Google to research men whom you date is a bit crazy, though I couldn’t help it. I worry about you and I love you and I want you to be safe and happy…Frankie….I think there may be a Mrs. Romeo Jackson…I think that he is married.” –Frankie

Dr. Feelgood

Mom and I are upstairs in Grandma’s room at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital waiting while she is fitted for her radiation mask.  The doctors removed 90% of the mass which was restricting airflow to her lungs, inserted a stent and she will now undergo two weeks of radiation therapy on her lung to shrink the remaining portion of the mass.  I am absolutely relieved when they tell us that surgery went well and her chances of surviving at least one year are great.  We may continue to share adventures together and perhaps still take her away on the cruise that she always wished to plan!

I am on-line reading The Times, considering whether dating is truly dead and the hook up alive and well, when there is a knock at the door.  It is the handsome, young, resident who wakes me each day at 6:00 a.m. with a chipper, “Good morning, Sunshine!”, before performing the daily check-up on Grandma with the other young doctors.  He is now here alone; visiting to discuss Grandma’s pain management options, addiction, and various other issues which we may encounter during the course of her treatment.  He tells us to contact him if we need anything at all, even the seemingly most insignificant issue; he will be happy to listen.  Writing his contact details on a small piece of paper, I ask his name, as I can’t read the name listed on the identification badge.  Bashful, for the first time, he mumbles, “Romeo Jackson”.  Well, of course it is.  How else would he be named, if not Romeo?  Simply looking at him I thought how befitting a name for such a lovely, young man.  We all stand and there is an awkward moment between he and I for a moment before he leaves; there really was an awkward moment–oh no, it was not my imagination.

“Frankie, you should totally go for him”, insists my mother, breaking my reverie.

“Huh?  What?”, I reply,  “He is cute, though also a doctor who is working in the hospital where Grandma is receiving treatment.  Wouldn’t that qualify as some type of ethics violation?”

“You are crazy!  You would look great together”, she insists.  “Look at this sheet of paper!  Doctors don’t offer their personal cell phone numbers–that is why they have pagers; so they are not disturbed on their personal telephone line.  He wants you to call him!”

And so I asked myself, “Self, is that why doctors have pagers?”

“I saw how you looked at him…and…how he looked at you”, oh she knew what to say; damn selective maternal tendencies!!

At that moment, an orderly enters, pushing Grandma in a transport chair.  Her smile and bright energy are all I need to continue moving with her along the quest toward recovery.  “Oh Frankie!  I just saw that young doctor in the elevator!  What a hunk!  If I were a younger woman…“  –Frankie