Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, “Fuck you and your untouchable face,” and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, “Untouchable Face” on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it’s rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I’ve never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let’s call her Stalker. I’m not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta’s for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a “hot” partner that she could mother children with.

“I know most lesbians don’t want kids, but I do,” she explained. “I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?”

“Oh, well, uh, down the road,” I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, “when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on,” she said.

“Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes,” I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

“Ouch!”

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, “Ouch,” meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. “Hey, hey, stop it!”

“Come on Ruby, I know you want me,” Stalker said. “I know you think I’m hot.”

“Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first,” I said, meaning, ‘as in no way’.

She didn’t get it.

“I can give it to you sloooow,” she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

“Whhoooaaaa there,” I said pushing her back a little bit. ” I mean, for real. We might work  better as friends,” I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

“I want to fall in love,” she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. “I’ve always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me,” she explained. “Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend,” she inquired.

“I’m looking for a little bit of both,” I said and slurped down an oyster. “Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends,” I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. “Well, I’m just going to let you know up front that I’ve slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed,” she said.

“No problem, I won’t try to compete,” I said, and meant it. I don’t know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn’t do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the  next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

“Errr. I want to take things slow,” I explained. “You know that expression fools rush in and everything.” - Ruby

Love Sick

While Frankie was getting grabbed by blue M&Ms, I was buying a bag of M&M’s for Kerry at Duane Reed. They were her favorite and she needed them.

It had been a busy week. I had been swamped at work, was lining up dates from that night of speed dating for the weekend and next week. I was on the phone with Cloe (who was making me turn three shades of pink), when I ran into Kerry (or rather she ran into me literally) while entering Equinox.

“Great so I’ll bring the whipped cream. Yummmmm. So next Sunday, is good then? Great. I’ll see you,” I was saying to Cloe, and opening the door to the gym when Kerry slammed right into me from behind. My gym bag flew into a nearby bush.

“Ladies first, hot stuff,” Kerry said shoving past me and teetered by me.

“Uhhh. Sorry, Cloe. Yes, Sunday. I’ll call you back,” I said while recovering my bag and hung up. What the hell was Kerry doing here now and what was her problem. She was here on her day off? Had they switched her schedule? She had nerve. Who did she think she was shoving, anyway?

I caught up with her in the locker room. She looked half-cocked and was standing by the sink swaying. “You know, you don’t have to be such a pushy bitch,” I quipted.

“Baby, baby. I miss you,” Kerry said softly and smiled and planted a kiss on my lips, throwing her arms around me. Her lips were soft and warm and she smelled like powder.

I was tempted to just stay there with her soft arms wrapped around me. I pushed her away. She was completely unbalanced and once I realized she was going to hit the ground like a rag doll, I scrambled and caught her. “Shit, what is wrong with you?”

“Wrong?” Kerry said. “Oh, what could be wrong? I have you. I have Greg (her boyfriend). I have everything,” she said giggling and tried to kiss me again.

I put my hand over her mouth. “You don’t have me.” Her face was flushed and her head seemed hot. I put my hand on her forehead. “You are burning up,” I said to Kerry. “Are you sick?”

“Sick, sick, love sick,” she said, trying to plant another kiss on me. “Will you take care of me, my love? Maybe we should go in there,” she said and motioned suggestively toward the bathroom stall.

“Yes, you are very sick,” I said and shook my head. “Come with me.” I brought Kerry out to the front of the gym and asked the manager if Kerry had been sick. He took one look at her and asked me if he should call an ambulence.

Instead, we cabbed it to the hospital. Kerry put her head in my lap in the cab and cried. ” Do you want me to call Greg?” I offered, gritting my teeth. They had been together for a few months now and the thought of Kerry with this really nice jock made me sick to my stomach even though I was happy for her.

“Noooo,” Kerry wailed. ” You take care of me. You,” she said.

I grabbed her phone and texted Greg anyway.

When we got to the hospital we sat and waited fo a half an hour and then Kerry was ushered into a doctors office. I tried to follow, but since I wasn’t family they told me I couldn’t accompany her. I waited in the lobby until the doctor came out and told me he wanted to watch Kerry overnight because she had walking pnemonia and was dehydrated. He showed me to her room and told me that visiting hours would be over soon but that they would take good care of her, and I could probably pick her up and take her home in the morning if she was better.

“Hey sicko,” I said and entered The room. Kerry was in bed attached to an IV.

“Keep me warm and snuggle with me,” she said, scooting over so I could lay next to her on the bed. ”You know I always thought we were soul mates, but maybe soul mates are really not meant to be together,” Kerry said and nuzzled her face into my neck. One thing I did know about Kerry is she had little tolerance for alcohol and drugs, even pescription medication.

“Kerry,” I said uncomfortably and turned to look her in the eyes. Shit, I missed her. “Let’s not go there. We’re good. Ok?”

“Excuse me,” said an overweight older woman in a nurse outfit. She was eying me in such a suspisious way that I could have crawled under the bed. “Visiting hours are over so you will have to leave.”

“She is staying,” insisted Kerry. “I can’t sleep without her. I need her here. She’ll be real quiet and just snuggle under the covers with me. I promise,” Kerry said in a whoosy voice.

The nurse looked like she could spit fire. “Rules are rules,” responded the nurse.

I got up out of the bed and gave Kerry a hug. ” I’ll see you first thing tomorrow ,” I said.

Kerry burst into tears. Another nurse entered the room.  ” No. I don’t want you to gooooooo,” she said. “I fucked it all up, and I’ll never see you agaaaaiiin. AND I HATE HOSPITALS!”

The nurse looked at me and then at Kerry repeatedly. “What!” Kerry said. “I love her. Let her stay.” Kerry grabbed at my shirt and pulled me toward the bed.

“Kerry, I’ll be back tomorrow. Chill out,” I said calmly unhooking her claws. If it’s possible to feel mortified and happy at the same time that’s what I was feeling. “I’ll bring Greg too. I texted him so I’m sure he’ll be here soon and I’ll tell him to come pick you up in the morning. I’m sure he’s worried about you.” Where the hell was he, anyway?

“Where is Greg? Promise me you’ll come back before I wake up,” Kerry said.

“Okay. I’ll bring M&Ms like we always had for breakfast on Sunday. Calm down and go to bed,” I said.

“Okay,” Kerry said. “M&Ms….” Kerry said and yawned.

I left and bumped into Greg in the waiting room. He had flowers and looked petrified.

“We can come back and get her in the morning,” I explained. “I’ll meet you here at 7am.”

“That’s really early?” he started.

“Be there or be….whatever,” I trailed off and headed home where I found Cindy waiting with a six pack and pizza.

“You didn’t really  need to go to the gym anyway,” Cindy said smiling. “Come on, I have six dates this week, Jane has five, what does your week look like Ruby Tuesday.”

“Shut up,” I hated that nickname. “I have seven.”

“Did you double book this week?” Cindy asked.

“Yes,” I said blushing. - Ruby

Share On Facebook

Cheri Poppin’?

So the whipped cream girls Cindy and I met at speed dating turned out to be sisters. They seemed fun and kept us chatting and dancing all night. I was dancing with Cheri, who was tre femme. Her sister Judi had a girl friend, but Cheri was single.  She had long black hair, manicured nails, wore designer clothes and was tall and thin. She seemed a little high maintainance for me, but I decided to go with the flow and gave her my number.

She called the next day and asked me to meet her at TKettle on St. Marks. It’s one of those cute little coffee rooms that just happens to have great bubble tea. Cheri was waiting outside the tea room for me. She seemed really nervous.

“I thought you might not come,” she said gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was dressed in a mini-T and jeans and smelled like powder.

We ordered some bubble tea and took a seat at the back of the place. She still seemed particularly nervous, but she was smiling from ear to ear. I couldn’t quite figure out her agenda. She clearly seemed to have one.

“So you really surprised me the other night,” I started. “I’m not used to girls being so forward with me.”

“I’m not most girls, and I could tell you aren’t either,” she said slyly. “I find you really attractive.”

“Thanks,” I blushed. “But I’m surprised a pretty girl like you doesn’t have a girlfriend already?”

“Umm. Well…” she started. “I’m really new at this, actually. I’ve never been with a girl, but I’d like to be. I just recently split up with my boyfriend because I wanted to try it,” she said.

“Oh?” I said. “How long did you split with your boyfriend?”

“A couple of days ago,” she said. “We were engaged. This sounds bad, right? The thing is I really have always wondered what it would be like to be with a girl, and he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of sharing me with someone.”

“Well, I understand that,” I said.

“I mean, I’m just that way,” she said. “I like to try new things and he knows that. I met him at a nudist resort after all,” she said.

“Oh,” I said and thought ‘This is just getting better and better’.

“Have you ever been?” she asked.

“Uh. No, I’ve never really thought about going to one,” I said.

“It’s so freeing. I should take you. I bet you would like it. It’s so open and free feeling. No one is hiding anything because you can’t,” she said laughing.

“Hmmm. I don’t know. I’m not really a walk around nude type of girl unless I’m in my apartment,” I said realizing I was sounding ultra conservative compared to Cheri.

“It’s all right,” she started. Her  cell phone, which was sitting on the table, rang. She looked at it and ignored it.

“Why did you want to start dating girls?” I asked.

“I just have always wanted to. My sister was always into girls and I’ve always wondered if I was like her. I’ve always thought I might enjoy being with a girl. I’m sure I would. In fact, I’d like to take you home after this. I want you to teach me everything. You can be my first,” she said and pushed her hair out of her face suggestively. She was playing footsie with me under the table.

I was beet red. “Cheri, I’m flattered,” I said. “But that’s not really my style. I like to take my time and I’m looking for something serious.”

Cheri’s phone rang again. She looked at it and then back at me. “I am serious. Let’s try it. I mean have you ever been with both a girl and a guy together? If you want I could get a guy to join us too?”

“Yeah, that’s not what I’m really looking for.” I said. “But it sounds fun. I’m sure there’s plenty of girls…”

“You are hot,” she said. “I want you. I want to fuck you,” she said. Her phone rang. “Hold on,” she said. “Billy, I’m on a date with a girl. No you cannot come. You aren’t my boyfriend anymore. I know. I know. OK I love you too,” she said and hung up.

I almost started laughing. I got up.

Cheri popped up out of her chair. “Come home with me,” she pleaded. “I want to get to know you better.”

“I know,” I said, but I wan’t into this scene. “Listen, there are plenty of pretty girls in NYC. You should have fun now that you are newly single. Call me, and we’ll hang out again soon,” I lied.

My phone rang. “Chaquita,” I answered.”

“Banana. Where are you?” Frankie screamed into my ear. “Beer and wine and raunchy movie night tonight!”

“Fantastic! Give me 20 minutes,” I said.

“I gotta go, Cheri,” I said.

“Are you seeing other people?” she asked.

“I am,” I said although I really wasn’t dating anyone in particular. “Call me soon.”

“Okay,” she said and tried to kiss me.

I turned my head and she caught my cheek. I turned around and waved goodbye and made my way down St. Mark’s Street,  and decided that sometimes it’s not so bad being single or picky.

I checked my email on my iPhone quickly. There were the speed dating results. I had gotten 7 numbers. Seven seemed like a lot. Had I spoken to that many girls? Who was who? But there was one name that I definitely recognized. - Ruby

Kill Tha Wabbit

I had the apartment all to myself.  Ruby was away for a long weekend–again.  My roomie has been a ghost lately, she pays rent, though is rarely home, nor do we hang out like we did in the past.  I prepared a luscious dinner of  Trader Joe’s Chicken Enchiladas (come on, they are quite tasty considering they are frozen Mexican) and performed my New Moon stalking for the evening.  I had big plans for this evening…alone…in my empty, roommate free apartment…and they included my cute little pink pet and three C batteries…

Fine, I am a huge dork. I poured a glass of Merlot, lit a few candles; if no one will romance me, then I may as well do it myself. Yes, take care of everything myself. Hell, if you want it done right, may as well do it yourself.

So I started…slowly. This is a quality product, three speeds, various rotations, and a little plastic bunny attached at the base whose ears vibrate faster than his Energizer counterpart is able to beat that drum! I know many people have described, written about, and documented on film their experiences  with this product, though if you have tried it, then you will agree. This is the definitive woman’s little helper.

Now I was getting somewhere, daaaaaaammmmmn it felt amazing. I believe that I may have been well on the way to outdoing myself, while quite literally doing myself. I felt it, the sensation in my toes, chest, and right along my happy little trail;  YEEEEES! I AM AMAZZZZZZZING!!!

Wait! What?! No!!! Can’t be!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! The device sputtered a few short vibrations and then…stopped. I lifted it up…looked at it in horror, as I realized that the batteries lost all of their juice before I lost mine. AND I had no replacements. I was so close!!!!!! I could really cry. WHHHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?! I couldn’t even finish manually, as the mood had officially died with the toy. I  killed The Rabbit. –Frankie

Punch drunk love

“Hey Frankie, what happened to that 12 pack we just bought,” I asked, while standing in the kitchen and staring into the fridge.

“Huh? I thought you drank it. I didn’t have one,” she replied.

“No, I didn’t have any,” I responded. “Who…?”

“Well, we bought it Thursday and I was out all day yesterday, except when you got back,” Frankie interrupted.

“And  Kerry, Cindy were all here yesterday so It had to be one of them. But why would they steal a 12 pack?”

“They didn’t. They drank it,” Frankie said and popped open the garbage can exposing 12 Corona bottle caps along with pizza crusts.

“How is that even possible?” I started to ask and climbed up to our liquor cabinet above the stove.

“What are you doing?” Frankie asked.”What happened yesterday, anyway after I went to sleep?”

“I just want to make sure,” and I said as I grabbed the anisette bottle. I smelled it. Someone had filled it with water. “Shit.  No.”

I climbed down from the cabinet trying to remember the past couple of days. “Country Club was over Thursday night. I went to bed early and he joined me later, but what time I couldn’t say. Then Kerry and Cindy were over yesterday…”

“Yeah, but you guys were already drunk when you showed up Friday and the beer was gone by then because Cindy and I were looking for it,” Frankie said.

“Really?” I asked shocked. “Country Club was up really late Thursday and he was acting weird. Maybe it was him.”

“It was Country Club. It had to have been Country Club. So, he’s history? Maybe what happened was for the best, Ruby,” Frankie said and started looking at the liquor bottles. “This one is water too,” she said and gulped a swig from a vodka bottle. “Yup. Tell me what happened? I’m dying to know…Hello?”

“Well…”I began, “Friday night….”

Kerry and I had gone out to RedSky with some of her friends from the gym and  met up with the guy she went on a date with. Country Club was supposed to meet us there later. We had already had had a couple martinis and were tipsy, laughing and dancing together when the guy she had gone on the date with (we’ll call him’ Hands’) walked up to us and started dancing behind Kerry wildly. It was almost as if he were grinding her from behind and having seizures at the same time.  She raised her eyebrow and grabbed my waist to draw me in close.

“Oh my god, help,” she laughed and whispered in my ear. We both started laughing hysterically.

“This one is all yours,” I said and winked.

Kerry, turned around and gave Hands a kiss on the cheek and stopped dancing, which immediately seemed to calm Hands down.  “Hands this is Ruby,” she said.

“Wow. Yeah, Ruby. Kerry said you were attractive,” he said creepily. Then he laughed and looked at Kerry. “I could take both of you to bed tonight if this one is O.K. with it.”

“Um. My boyfriend should be here soon,” I started feeling a bit awkward and weirded out.

“Ha. I don’t think you’ll have that option,” Kerry said  to Hands looking hurt and pushing him away.

He grabbed her waist. “Come on baby. I was just kidding.”

Cindy showed up at the bar that very moment (Thank God), and after a brief introduction to Hands, Cindy whisked me over to the side. We watched the two love birds interact or rather argue. “What the hell is that, and why do we have to be in a regular bar? I hate straight people,” Cindy said.

“Hey,” I started to respond.

“Shut up, you’re not straight. You’re confused,” Cindy said looking around.

“Yeah right,” I laughed. “Where the hell is Country Club anyway?”

Cindy and I started dancing together as we talked. “What the hell does she see in that dude?” Cindy said, laughing, and referring to Hands and Kerry who were now dancing together. He kept trying to feel her up as they were dancing and she kept removing his hands from her body.

“He’s vegan,” I retorted a bit jealous that someone was touching Kerry that way. “I don’t know. I guess he’s kind of cute for a guy. He’s a pig though.”

“A pig, you’d like to be right now,” Cindy said laughing. “Get over it, baby. And what is this fucking thing with Country Club?”

“I like Country Club. He’s my boyfriend and I am fucking him,” I said getting a bit mad at Cindy.

“Ewwwww. Man on woman sex is disgusting,” Cindy said laughing and put her arms around me and started dancing close and teasingly. “Come on. You know you like pussy.”

“Oh baby…” I said laughing at Cindy trying to look sexy.

I felt someone put their hands on my back, turned quickly, and felt relieved that it was Kerry.  She whispered in my ear, “I want to go back to your place and ditch the weirdo.”

“What you had enough?” I laughed. “O.K. Cindy will be relieved to get out of here too,” I said laughing.

Kerry spoke to Hands briefly before leaving and the three of us left the bar to go chill out at my apartment. I dialed Country Club on the way, but he didn’t answer the phone. When we got to the apartment I put on some music and Frankie joined us.  The four of us danced around to “Girls just want to have fun”. Cindy and I  pretended to be Hands and kept grabbing at Kerry.

“What a fucking jerk!” Cindy exclaimed. “I want pizza. What some?”

“I do,” Frankie said.

“I’m going to put on pajamas,” I responded and started stumbling toward the bedroom.

“O.K. We’ll be back,” Cindy said quickly, grabbed her coat and trotted out of the apartment with Frankie singing Cyndi Lauper loudly.

Kerry followed me into the bedroom. We were both tipsy and laughing. “I get the blue pajamas,” Kerry said going through my dresser drawer.

“Who do you think you are?” I said laughing and started to undress.

I was down to my undies when I turned around and saw that Kerry had also undressed and was laying in her underwear (a purple thong) suggestively on my bed. “Come here,” she said.

“O.K.” I said trying not to sound too excited even though I was ready to jump into bed and do what every she wanted. I grabbed the pajamas and threw them at her. “Get dressed. What do you want?”

She started to cry. “Awww. What’s wrong?” I said feeling stupid and pulled her close. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” she wailed.

God, she is really drunk, I thought. I’m really drunk, I thought. “Is it that guy? He wasn’t worth it. Especially not crying for.”

She giggled a little. “What’s wrong with me? These A-holes are so shitty and all I mean are A-holes!” she said sobbing again. I held her and listened. I could empathize. I had gone out with enough men to know that half of them were like Hands.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” she asked half sobbing. “Can you hold me?”

“Sure,” I said completely baffled. I wrapped my arms around her and she pulled the sheets up over us.  I was confused. I thought she didn’t like me this way. We lay in bed, the two of us. Just cuddling and Kerry softly crying. At some point we must have fallen asleep.

I woke up to a loud bang and someone shouting “Oh my god!” It was Cindy.

There was another loud bang and Cindy bolted into the room cautiously. “Ruby! What the hell?”

I looked at her confused until I realized what Kerry and I must have looked like. Her legs and arms were wrapped around my body and her face was in the pillow right by my face.  Kerry woke up and giggled a little. “Oh, who cares?”

“Cin. It’s not what you think?” I started to say. “We were sleeping…”

“Please,” Cindy who had appeared at the door and was glaring at Kerry. “I don’t care. Her boyfriend will care though! He’s crazy!  When Frankie and I came back, I came to get you, but I saw the two of you two in bed…so told her you guys had fallen asleep so we decided to crash and I grabbed the couch.  At around 3, Country Club started banging at the door. He was extremely drunk. I answered and said I wouldn’t let him come in, and he tried to get past me. He nearly punched me, but hit the door. I told him I would call the police if he didn’t leave,” Cindy said.

“Oh. Shit,” I said trying to free myself from Kerry’s clutches. “Did he get in? Are you O.K.? Where is Frankie?”

Kerry giggled and pulled herself closer to me. “Come on. You don’t need him or her,” she said and giggled again.

“You’re drunk,” I said to Kerry. “Stop it and go back to sleep.”

Kerry let go, turned over and covered her head with a pillow and sighed.

“She’s asleep. No. You dope,” Cindy said. ” I can handle myself. He left and started screaming at the door that it was over with you and he was done with you, and hated dykes,” she said.”He’s insane and a mess.”

“Something must have happened,” I said shocked and embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Something must have…” Cindy said looking at Kerry.

I shrugged and shook my head. “No…”

“Yeah, right. Well, I’m crashing on the couch,” Cindy said gesturing toward Kerry. “Have fun with that one. I’m never answering your door again. AND…” Cindy whispered, “I told you, you like pussy.” – Ruby

Did He Use the R-Word??

Time to buckle down. My savings is dwindling, it’s April 15, and I am hoping for The Fed to step in and save my inheritance; well TARP or the New York Lottery ($109 million?!??!?!). I definitely have a better shot at winning the lottery than relying on any government agency.

I am trying to find a job at a time when landing a job is a far greater feat than finding Jimmy Hoffa. And finding a job within publishing?   A move to the financial sector would probably be a better career choice!

My eyes feel like they are bleeding as I search Mediabistro and Monster.  After digging through STUFF in my apartment, I find my business card holder.  SCORE!!  Why am I excited?  Here I am sitting on my living room floor, various versions of my resume and cover letter scattered everywhere.  Another unfortunate soul added to the unbelievable number of unemployed New Yorkers.  “Yea, good luck Frankie,” I say to myself sarcastically.

Picking up my phone to ring my first and most helpful recruiter, I am shocked as it rings.  No name, though a familiar number, though not sure who it…hmmm…oh what the hell; I’m bored.

“Hello?”, I said

“Hey Sexy, how have you been?”, said the unmistakable voice of Adam

I giggled a bit, “I am…”, I thought about it for a minute, “I am OK; hanging in there.”, I responded. “Yes, tough times right now”, he added.  We chatted for about 20 minutes, which was strange considering our history.

Adam finally asked, “Frankie, I just returned from tour in Europe; would you mind if I came over?”

“Adam, I am not really in the mood.”  I had to admit, I was so, very, VERY sexually frustrated that the PETA people were going to be on my tail citing animal cruelty against my Rabbit.  Though, Adam no longer did it for me.  Sure, you can never truly know if a partner is telling the truth about their history however, having received an invitation to the bacchanalia changed my entire opinion regarding sex with Adam.

“Well, Frankie”, he began,  “I wanted to discuss something.  You are so easy to talk to and great to hang out with and I was wondering if you would…possibly…considering trying to move our relationship to another level?”

Adam never ceases to amaze me.  Is he for real?  “Are you for real?”, I asked without thinking.  I sounded like a complete asshole.

“What?  Oh, thanks, Frankie, that was kind of shitty”, he said, sounding hurt.

“I apologize, I did not mean to say it the way it sounded.  I am flattered, Adam, really, though I can never look at you as anything other than (this would be the perfect moment to save myself from that last emasculating jab)…my great lover who always came through and delivered in my time of need.”

“Well, fine that will do,” he said, “And uh, perhaps you have some single friends?”

“EWWWWW, you are gross; we are not into sloppy seconds ’round here,” I replied, while laughing. We ended our conversation, still as friends, though definitely no longer lovers.

Finally, I picked up the phone and contacted the recruiter.  She was pleasantly surprised to hear from me and sympathetic for my current situation.

“Linda, I will even take something in finance, I don’t need to return to publishing just yet,” I informed the perky little woman on the other end.

“So strange, though great news!  RD Capital Partners has an opening for an executive assistant; one of their girls is taking maternity leave–this could turn into a permanent position and great pay–$25/hour!  What do you say?  They always ask if you are on the market again and absolutely love you!”

I worked for the firm a few years ago while on the job hunt before I landed my last position.  What a great team to work with each day; I was in!  “Linda, I would love to!”

Sorry Adam, seems like some of us are gettin’ lucky today!–Frankie

Mastering the Scorpion Pose

Breathe, empty your mind and breathe, I was thinking as I practiced trying to achieve a scorpion pose. This pose was difficult, but it I kept my focus I could manage it. I closed my eyes.

My feet were over my head and I had my feet together.  I felt like my feet were almost to my head. Then I felt Kerry’s body close. Her hand on my back and her other hand slid lightly over my knee.

BAM! I collapsed.

“Damn it,” I said completely flustered and defeated, rolling over and laying face down on my yoga mat. I was now also very uncomfortably turned on so I shut my legs. I couldn’t help it around Kerry anymore.  My underpants became flood territory anytime she was near and in yoga pants it’s a bit risky.

“Shhh. Relax,” She stretched herself out over me and rubbed my shoulders. “Take your time.”

“Your not helping,” I said as my hormones went from zero to overdrive.

“Ruby,” she laughed and ran her fingers in circles  up and under my shirt on my lower back.

I tried to get up. “O.K. I have to go or I’ll be late,” I said a little annoyed.  What was this act? Was she lying to herself and I was lying to myself ? To protect what? Balance?

Kerry pushed me back onto the mat, playfully. “I have a date tomorrow night,” she said. “I can’t hang out.”

“OK. No worries. Anyone from here?” I asked with a twinge of jealousy as I playfully pushed her back off of me and sprung up.

“No. You don’t know him yet. I met him last weekend at that exhibition. He’s an artist and a vegan, and he’s so cute,” she said as she stood and went over to her grab her water.

“Yay! Where is he taking you?” I began walking toward the locker room.

“Dunno,” she said excited. “I can’t wait!”

We both opened our lockers and then looked at each other. “I’ll be right back. Watch my stuff,” Kerry said awkwardly and walked toward the toilet.

She had been acting a bit weird since I told her that I had feelings for her, but I couldn’t blame her if she wanted to push me away. I did have a boyfriend after all. She should be happy and she should date. This is a good thing, I said to myself.

I grabbed my towel and my things for the shower and undressed. Kerry came back. “Hitting the showers for Country Club?” she asked.

“Yes. I got to look good for my man,” I replied.

“That’s a shame. I like you sweaty,” she teased and reached toward my towel.

I pushed her hand away. “Ha ha. Well, I’m not sleeping with you, sooooo I better get going,” I replied walking away. “Bye bye, baby.”

“Bye, bye sweetie pie. I’ll call tomorrow. I’m heading home, “Kerry said.

Country Club picked me up from the gym and we went over to his place. It was purely a bachelor pad.

He poured some anisette into a pair of tumblers as I put in the DVD  The Dark Knight. There was still some uneasiness there from the last time we had been out to dinner.

He had taken me to the country club that he worked in for dinner. I dressed up and met his colleagues.  It was a little bit awkward and nerve wrecking because his friends, who were obviously all married and talking about their kids, kept asking us when we were going to get married.”Er. Gosh do they allow people to do that, anymore in this country? Isn’t there some proposition against it,” I joked.

After we ate  we retreated to a den with couches, which was beautiful. I was having a pleasant conversation with one man named Richard when Country Club abruptly pulled me away and started shouting at the man.

“Get away from her. She’s none of your business, dad,” he yelled.

“I just want to get to know her and you again,” he pleaded with Country Club. “You are impossible and she seems very pleasant.”

After the party, Country Club explained that that was indeed his father and that they hadn’t spoken in 3 years– ever since his mother and father got divorced. Country Club said his father didn’t usually attend events at the club, but must have felt compelled to since so many members of his family were there.

My reaction: “Say, what?!I just met your family?”

“Yeah, most of them. My brother and sister. Some of my cousins. My dad…”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before we went to the dinner?” I said completely humiliated and hurt that he hadn’t told me beforehand.

“Did you really need to know?” he asked and laughed.

“Yes! Hello. I would never introduce you to my family without telling you who they were? I don’t even know who at that dinner was your sister or your brother! That’s insane!” I yelled.

He drove me back to my place in silence. He called and apologized that later that night.

Now, Country Club and I were back on track, it seemed. I still felt guilty for not telling him that I had feelings for Kerry, but he wouldn’t understand it and it would only ruin what he and I had going. We cuddled on the couch as we watched the movie and sipped our nightcaps. I felt like I could finally breathe,at least momentarily, but I didn’t feel balanced at all. - Ruby

No Returns, No Exchanges, No Store Credit

I needed that girls’ night in at the apartment. My friends are like human emotional pillows and provided a never ending supply both comfort and  Ruffino; they are the absolute best. Though my girls were all chatty and seemingly happy, there had been this strange vibe between Ruby and Kerry.   It wasn’t the standard tension of that pining which Ruby had toward Kerry, No, it was as though Kerry was aware somehow and I couldn’t ignore the tension. I wanted to know what was up, though a sofa coffee session with Ruby must wait; Frannie strikes again.

She rang the next day to tell me that I must immediately come to Grandma’s house and sort through my boxes of STUFF. Surely, you are familiar with the boxes of stuff; they contain your communion/bat mitzvah dress, dance recital costumes…remnants of former boyfriends. Yes, those boxes of stuff which you see only when moving; to the dorms, from the dorms, across the globe, and then to the first apartment. My mother wanted to sell Grandma’s house and move to Florida…yes, you guessed it…with Bucket O’Slime.  She is crazy, does she even recognize that this is not the most ideal time to sell ??  No matter the excuse, there was not hiding it; I was disappointed, as I grew up in that house….so many firsts and now, apparently finals. This is part of the healing, right? Like Frou Frou sings,”Let go…there’s beauty in the breakdown.” For some odd reason I feel like I’m about to break like Linkin Park.

Kim was in town still and offered to come with me for support. A dear friend of mine, Kim is the little sister of my very first boyfriend. Kim and I were thirteen and eighteen, respectively when I met Al. I watched her grow from a mischievous, curious girl into a beautiful, adventurous young woman. Her brother was sweet, handsome, and totally crazy about me and we fell crazy in love. After 3 1/2 years, we grew up and apart from who we were and our perfect relationship. And though Al’s next girlfriend wasn’t too keen on the idea, Kim and I grew closer despite my break from her brother. Families of my other exes have wanted to keep in touch with me, though I was never interested and always wanted a clean break. Kim was different, we formed a truly pure friendship, which included a great deal of laughing, more than a few tears, and of course, memories to fill volumes.

Sorting through boxes, as I heard Frannie discussing meeting with many different real estate agents, Kim and I laughed at the Reebok Pumps, cassette tapes (yes, CASSETTE TAPES), and snap bracelets, among many other items from an ancient era. We came across a large shoebox, which Kim opened.

“Frankie! Did my brother write this??”

I took the frame from her hands and laughed, “Yes, Shakespeare in love; this poem was accompanied by a collection of Shakespeare’s love sonnets. I guess he conducted his research thoroughly  .”

“You were both so innocent, weren’t you?”, she asked.

“Yes, it was a sweet, perfect introduction to the world of dating”, I remembered fondly.

After a few minutes, Kim found yet another fascinating artifact from my former life. “Oh Frankie”, she said, “was this cousin Lana’s wedding?”

I took the frame from her hand and looked at the beautiful couple staring back at me. They were so young and fresh faced; it was the couple formerly known as Al and me. So strange, the young girl physically resembled me; I could barely recognize her.

I shook my head,”Yes, Kim…thirteen months before their divorce. What a shame, these young couples divorcing only a short while after sharing such a festive, beautiful union. Almost seems that being married for two years is a milestone.”

“You know, Frankie, I am cooking dinner for Al this evening. Why don’t you join us?,” suggested Kim, “I think he would like to have you over”.

Though I adore Kim, this amused me a bit. There was a time when I would have jumped at the invitation, convinced that I wanted him again, though it was at that time he married the rebound chick. Since then, they became part of the sad statistic; yet another divorce between two young people after maybe a few years, at most. I know our breakup upset the younger Kim, though was she now attempting to play matchmaker as an adult?

“Thanks Kim, though with everything still fresh, I feel it may be a bit too much for me right now. I really need my comfort zone. However, I expect a full showcase of your culinary ability when I visit! I will bring the wine!”, I said.

She smiled, “I know, wish you would come for a bit, though I understand,” she said giving me a huge hug.

After packing Frannie’s truck for the trip into the big city, I drove Kim to her brother’s house. “Have fun baby, safe travels, give a ring when you arrive home; I love you,” I told her.

“Thank you; love you”, she replied.

Sitting here among these crowded townhouses, in a small, overpopulated NYC suburb, watching Kim climb the steps of Al’s house, I inhaled a large breath of contentment. She turned and waved after opening the front door. For friends, I will always circle around often; for the boys I only come around once in a lifetime. –Frankie

Confessions of a bisexual woman

So the bomb had dropped leaving chaos and confusion behind. I had just confessed my love to a friend who could not possibly reciprocate those feelings. I didn’t feel broken, just stained.

“Ruby,” Kerry started.” I have those feelings for you too, but I don’t think that I could ever be with a woman.”

“What? But do you feel…” I started to say completely shocked.

“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think I could do it. I do feel something, but I don’t know if it’s right, and I can’t be. I just can’t be… I would let everyone down. Plus, the statistics of lesbian relationships actually working out is insanely small.

“But…” I started, again.

“Ruby, I always want to be your friend.  I always want to have you in my life, and it can’t be. I’m not that way. I can’t be,” Kerry said as I hugged her.

“Okay. It’s Ok. Then be my friend. Let’s cook some spaghetti,” I said unconvincingly and taken off guard.

“You have Country Club. Be with him, Ruby. Try,” Kerry pleaded.”He’ll be so hurt…”

” I am with him, Kerry. I am trying, but you want the truth. Right? So you have it,” I said.

I walked into the kitchen hurt and mortified. Then I dipped a fork into the pot of pasta and flung a piece against the side of the refrigerator. It stuck there. I turned around and Kerry was standing there watching. I grabbed the piece of spaghetti off of the fridge and threw it at her. “Catch!”

She jumped and just stared at me guiltily.

“What? I’m over it,” I said and started draining the pasta.

“I’m not. I’m…” She wrapped her arms around my waist as I stood at the sink, and started hugging me from behind.”I’m not…”

“Kerry. Stop,” I said and turned around. She backed away from me against the refrigerator. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just…” I started and looked down.

Kerry walked over and hugged me tight. Her blond hair in my face and her face burried in my neck. I hugged back.

We stood there in silence for a few minutes staring at each other. Our faces inches away. I waited to see if she would lean forward. She didn’t. Those blue eyes just swam sadly into my own eyes. I had to look away.

“I have to finish this dinner for Frankie. Are you going to help? I want you to,” I said.”I want us to forget that happened.”

“Forgotten,” Kerry said wearily. “Back to pasta and chicken tending.”

Frankie arrived just then. She threw her bag onto the couch and sunk into it.

“Hey stranger. Wine?” I asked.

“Vineyards worth,” she replied. “When are they coming.”

“You have 15 minutes or so before the festivities begin,” I answered

Kerry grabbed a few glasses and poured us all a glass of Chianti. She handed Frankie on first and then one to me. “To your grandmother. May we all grow up to be as bad ass as that woman was,” I said.

“Hells yeah,” Frankie smiled sadly. We clinked glasses and each took a sip. “Where’s your glass?” Frankie asked Kerry.

Kerry had poured herself a glass, but had left it in the kitchen. She held her hand out to me. I handed her my glass and she took a sip, leaving her lipstick on the edge. - Ruby

Dropping the bomb

“I think I’m in love with you,” I said. There it was. The bomb dropped. Now comes the mushroom cloud.

After weeks of  fantasizing about kissing and being with Kerry; and struggling with myself over the situation, I was confessing my love to her. It should have been simple.  I should have felt good, relieved, scared, nervous, excited; and instead I felt like I was betraying myself, Kerry and my boyfriend.

Yes, I had a boyfriend. It had all happened too fast….

After our first night together I thought I should end things with Country Club. I knew I had feelings for Kerry. The only problem was Country Club was too perfect. I really liked him, and for a first time in a long time I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be in a ‘normal’ relationship. In other words– be with a man.  I could be straight again. So I thought, I would see where this went.

At Yoga, the day after Country Club and my first night together, Kerry pulled me aside after class.  “Soooo. You’re glowing, I believe.  Are you and Country Club serious?” she asked.

“Define, serious,” I said, shrugged and rubbed my shoulder,which was aching. “I dunno. I really dunno. I like him, but would we work out in the long-term? I dunno.”

“Follow me,” Kerry ordered, grabbing my arm, and started walking hand in hand with me toward the locker room. “It’s too soon to be thinking about the long term.”

“I know. I feel like he is very serious about this though. He was all lovey-dovey this morning. I’m not sure I want to rush into anything with him,” I admitted.

“Hmmm. He’s more smitten with you, then you with him. Then don’t. When are you supposed to see him next?” she asked and opened her locker.

I opened my locker. I grabbed my towel and flip flops and threw them on the bench behind me. “Tonight. You know I like him, but I don’t know if I need him in my life. That sounds well, mean. Doesn’t it? I mean I’m still at square one, trying to figure out if this is what I want.”

Kerry peeled off her shirt and her shorts and tugged at my shirt. ” Off,” she smiled coyly as I stripped down to my bra and undies. “Then tell him you don’t want to rush in. Be straight forward. He’s supposed to have balls. And he can’t read your mind, you know.”

“Thank God,” I said softly.”Sauna?”

“Now,” Kerry smiled taking off every last piece of clothing she had on. She wrapped a towel around her. Her body was flawless. “Are you coming?”

“Yeah, um, be there in a minute.” I wrapped the towel around me and started slipping off my undies without exposing myself.

“You look ridiculous. You are so not modest, Ruby. Stop pretending. Just take it off. Take it off. Take it off.” Kerry said. “Come on, hurry up or I’m going to have to pull those…”

“They are off so don’t get your tits all twisted, sista’.” I said slamming my locker shut. “You just want to see the goods. Can’t say I blame ya.”

“Oh yeah. Gimme a peak at those,” Kerry said and pretended to peak down at my boobs in the towel.

“Back off, baby,” I said walking past her toward the sauna.

“I love it when you play hard to get,” she teased.

That night, Country Club had me over his place and cooked dinner for me.  He had cooked chicken fajitas– mostly because we both loved sloppy foods –and he had tons of guacamole, which is just about my favorite food besides Ben & Jerry’s.

“So I really like you a lot Ruby and I want to get to know you better. I know you aren’t seeing anyone else now and I’d like to keep it that way.  I was thinking of maybe asking you,” started Country Club. “to be my girlfriend.

“Oh. Wow,” I swallowed. “Um. Isn’t it too fast?”

“No. Ruby. I really think. I know this is going to sound crazy and the last thing I want to do is scare you off, but I really think I’m falling for you. You’re just amazing,” he said.”I know its greedy, but I want you all to myself and I want to do this right. I think you could be The One.”

I turned red and for a second I considered running for the door. “Wow. Um. Yes,” I heard myself say. Did I just say that? This is what most girls dream of right? A handsome man asks you to be his girlfriend because he thinks you are it. The one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And when I sleep with him I fantasize about a woman. Shit. Of course I said yes, I thought. Kerry is straight. There is no chance. I might as well be happy and Country Club tries to make me happy.

That night Country Club and I made love and I tried my best to keep Kerry out of my thoughts.

Kerry came over for dinner the next day. We had decided to cook dinner for a bunch of Frankie and my friends in an effort to cheer Frankie up after her grandmother’s death.

The water was almost to a full boil and we were cracking out the spaghetti when the B-Word came up.

“Boyfriend?” Kerry asked, looking crushed. “Boyfriend?! I…I’ll be back…I have to pee.”

I was confused. This wasn’t the reaction I expected from Kerry. I threw the spaghetti in the pot, and then walked into my room where Kerry was reading my poetry journal.

“Who are these about?” she asked and sat on the bed.

I walked over and sat down next to Kerry. “Those I wrote when I was with Elizabeth,” I answered. “Do you ever miss her? Those are the most recent poems?”

“Yeah. I really haven’t been writing poems all that much lately and yes, sometimes I do miss her”

“God, you should write more often. They are beautiful,” she said and hugged me.

“Ruby, I’m happy for you. I really am,” Kerry said still hugging me. “It’s just I thought you wanted something else.”

“What?” I asked petrified. Maybe Kerry was interested in me after all?

“I mean I thought you wanted to slow down. I thought that you weren’t looking for anything serious,” Kerry said. “I guess I was wrong.”

“Oh. Well…yeah. Fuck,” I answered. “It wasn’t in my plans.”

“Ruby, do you see yourself with a man or a woman in the future?” Kerry asked. She was extremely close. I could feel her breath was on my cheek. All I wanted to do was hold her and kiss her –and most of all tell her that I just wanted to be with her.

“I dunno. I really don’t…I see myself with just someone I know I love regardless of gender.” Before I knew what I was doing I brushed her hair aside and leaned in to kiss her. She turned her head so I hit her just to the side of the mouth.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I think I’m in love with you.”- Ruby