Does double booking double your pleasure?

Dating friends is usually a bad idea and falling for them is incredibly stupid (um just look at me and Kerry). I seriously doubted that Frankie would prove my theory wrong with Josh (aka as the best guy to grab a beer with, discuss comics with and continuously debate the best superpowers one could possibly inherit). But, come on, date Josh?

Meanwhile, back in lala lan,d bumping into Kerry had sprung up my past fantasies about Kerry. How bad is that? Not only did I come back to the hospital in the next morning to be greeted by her kissing her boyfriend, but she seemed intent on me leaving as soon as possible. So I thought, “Fuck you and your untouchable face,” and recalled that luckily I had downloaded Ani DiFranco onto my iPod. I put the song, “Untouchable Face” on repeat for the subway ride home.

I then started to get ready for my dates. Yes, plural, dates. I had seven dates this week. All from speed daing. I double booked dates for this one night. I know it’s rude, but I met these girls speed dating and frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I decided that I would line the dates up as close as possible and give each other girls a red rose to start off the date. I scheduled the double booking because I’ve never doubled booked before so I thought it might double my pleasure and double my fun. That, unfortunately was not the case.

My first date had called me well four times a day since we met. Let’s call her Stalker. I’m not sure why I agreed to go out with Stalker because the more I spoke with her on the phone, the more she scared me. We met at Henrietta’s for a late afternoon drink that Sunday. She seemed blown away by the fact that I gave her a rose. Stalker, who was a few years older than me, started the conversation by telling me about all 3 of her ex-girlfiends and how they had tortured her emotionally and how she was looking for a “hot” partner that she could mother children with.

“I know most lesbians don’t want kids, but I do,” she explained. “I wanted them with my former girlfriends too, but none of them were interested in kids and I would want my partner to have the children.Do you want kids?”

“Oh, well, uh, down the road,” I said almost choking on my beer. She sounded like my mom talking about having kids. Now, having a beer and sitting across from this girl, I felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to pop babies out, perhaps one by one like rounds of gun fire at her head.

Stalker grabbed my arm, “when I saw you I though you were the prettiest femme I had ever laid eyes on,” she said.

“Oh I bet you say that to all the femmes,” I laughed growing more and more afraid of this act.

And then out of nowhere Stalker kissed me. Hard and bit my lip.

“Ouch!”

Somehow Stalker had managed to back me up against a wall and had decided, “Ouch,” meant I was having fun. I shoved her off. “Hey, hey, stop it!”

“Come on Ruby, I know you want me,” Stalker said. “I know you think I’m hot.”

“Uhhhh, sure I do, but you know I really want to take things slow. I mean sloooow. As in I want to get to know you first,” I said, meaning, ‘as in no way’.

She didn’t get it.

“I can give it to you sloooow,” she said suggestively trying to shove me back up against the wall.

“Whhoooaaaa there,” I said pushing her back a little bit. ” I mean, for real. We might work  better as friends,” I said. I checked my watch. I had to leave in 15 minutes to get to my other date.

Stalker took my friends comment to mean I wanted her to kiss me again. After I recovered from yet another love bite, I grabbed my jacket and RAN. I ran like Forrest Gump.

I met Sheila at City Crab rose in hand and luckily my lips were not bleeding. A lesbian wanting to meet up in a Crab restaurant erked me out a bit, but the restaurant was actually nice and the food was quite good. Sheila was extremely to the point about everything.

“I want to fall in love,” she told me while tearing apart a crab leg with a lobster cracker. “I’ve always thought I would just meet someone out of the blue, so the whole speed dating thing was not normal for me,” she explained. “Are you looking for a fuck or a girlfriend,” she inquired.

“I’m looking for a little bit of both,” I said and slurped down an oyster. “Usually I like to fuck my girlfriends,” I said in a snarky tone.

She laughed. “Well, I’m just going to let you know up front that I’ve slept with (insert semi-famous lesbian musician here) and no one, I mean no one is as good as her in bed,” she said.

“No problem, I won’t try to compete,” I said, and meant it. I don’t know about you, but when someone brags about sleeping with a celebrity it is a major turnoff for me. While I find Lindsay Lohan hot. The idea of sleeping with her doesn’t do it for me. Because if you sleep with them are you sleeping with the celebrity or the person being the celebrity, cause there is no way they are one and the same. Right?

For the  next half an hour Sheila ranted on about this semi-famous musician, which reminded me of another bad date I had been on. After we ate dinner we shook hands and headed home. Sheila tried to kiss me and I extended a hand.

“Errr. I want to take things slow,” I explained. “You know that expression fools rush in and everything.” - Ruby

The Way We Never Were

It had been way too long since I had a sweet, great date.  My focus had been on Cole for way too long and nothing had come of it. I became bored of this crush that I had on him and began to sense that Sarah had wanted him much more. So I decided; she could have him.  Don’t get me wrong I still think that he is incredibly hot, though not taking it more seriously than what it is; serious eye candy during the workday

It was after this epiphany that Josh called and asked if I would like to get together.  My stomach did flutter a bit when I saw his name pop up on my caller ID; perhaps Cooper had been right and I was happy that his speculation proved to be on point.  Josh and I agreed to meet on Friday and grab a few pints at Limerick House, which is located right down the street from where we live.  Ruby was in absolute hysterical laughter after I told her that I made plans with Josh.

“JOSH?!?!  But…it’s Josh!!!”, screamed an excited Ruby, “He’s so…he’s so not who I would see you with.”

“What?  I like dorky guys; you know that.  I usually have the best relationships with guys who match my level of dorkiness”, I contested.

“Yes, I agree Frankie”, began Ruby, “though you’re so much more…you’re you and he is…Josh.”

“Yes, you said that.  And what does that mean??”, I asked, laughing.

“OK.  He is fun to have drinks and spend time with at the bar…on a platonic level.  You have difficulty with this concept, I know, but Frankie, dear, dear Frankie…you’re hot.  I know that you think you’re a dork and you are; you have one of the dorkiest personalities of anyone who I know.  You watch Jeopardy! for fun, hate air quotes, are a complete grammar snot, and listen to both Taylor Swift and Korean pop music.  BIG DORK.  Huge.  Though according to your looks;  sorry babe, a dork you are certainly not.  And hot he is not”.

“Uh, well Ruby, dear Ruby.  Thank you…I think”, I replied, “that was sweet though you know I find the dorks irresistible”.

“Well, one more thing Frankie.  I heard that his last break up set him off.  His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with someone who she met on Facebook.  He is on a mad, indiscriminate fucking rampage.  Plain and simple, our little, young dork has become quite a dog.  Please be careful.”

“Really?  That must have hurt!  Though Josh…a complete hound?  I can’t see it.”

“Yes, like no one would ever think that you know EVERY SINGLE LINE TO EACH AND EVERY EPISODE OF FRIENDS.  He is a player in dork’s clothing.”

On Friday, Josh called and asked if I would mind his friend Cary tagging along to which I replied, “Of course not; the more the merrier”, trying to hide my feelings that this did strike me as a bit strange.  I now wondered if perhaps I had been mistaken.  Eh, why am I examining this so closely.  I promised myself that I would have no expectations of this evening except to have a great time with an old friend.

The guys stopped by and we walked together to the bar.  Josh and I picked up from where we left off.  He had me laughing and we were having such a great time; such a great time that I didn’t mind that Cary tagged along.  His girlfriend, Reina stopped by after we had a few pints and the good times continued.  Josh even paid for most of my drinks, though I sneaked in a round for the group when returning from the ladies’ room (it’s simply good manners).  We were amazed that we both had lived in the neighborhood for so long and never saw each other.

By the end of the night I was exhausted though wanted the night to continue; we were having such a good time.  Outside of the bar, we said goodnight to Cary and Reina then Josh walked me to my door.

“I am really happy that we met again on the platform and tonight was super great”, he said.

I smiled, “Yes, it was fun catching up.  I am still in disbelief that we live so close.”

He started,”Well I’m going to go.  Far walk you know.”

I laughed and he asked, “Frankie could I please take you to dinner next week?”

Jeez, he even said please.  Still smiling I agreed, “Yes.  I would like that.  Tonight was good fun, Josh.  Thanks for a great evening”.

He leaned in and I could swear he was going for my lips, though at the last moment brushed my cheek with his lips, wrapping his arm around my waist and hugging me close.  Pulling away slowly, he said in a low tone, “Goodnight Frankie, I’ll call you during the week.”

“Goodnight Josh.  Be careful walking home”, I replied, joking.

Ruby was up when I came inside.  She was keeping a low profile after caring for Kerry.  If that wench made Ruby sick (via flu or heartbreak), I was going to put her in the hospital again.

“How was it?”, asked Ruby.

I thought for a moment, breathing in deeply, “Like old times…though much better.”

–Frankie

Love Sick

While Frankie was getting grabbed by blue M&Ms, I was buying a bag of M&M’s for Kerry at Duane Reed. They were her favorite and she needed them.

It had been a busy week. I had been swamped at work, was lining up dates from that night of speed dating for the weekend and next week. I was on the phone with Cloe (who was making me turn three shades of pink), when I ran into Kerry (or rather she ran into me literally) while entering Equinox.

“Great so I’ll bring the whipped cream. Yummmmm. So next Sunday, is good then? Great. I’ll see you,” I was saying to Cloe, and opening the door to the gym when Kerry slammed right into me from behind. My gym bag flew into a nearby bush.

“Ladies first, hot stuff,” Kerry said shoving past me and teetered by me.

“Uhhh. Sorry, Cloe. Yes, Sunday. I’ll call you back,” I said while recovering my bag and hung up. What the hell was Kerry doing here now and what was her problem. She was here on her day off? Had they switched her schedule? She had nerve. Who did she think she was shoving, anyway?

I caught up with her in the locker room. She looked half-cocked and was standing by the sink swaying. “You know, you don’t have to be such a pushy bitch,” I quipted.

“Baby, baby. I miss you,” Kerry said softly and smiled and planted a kiss on my lips, throwing her arms around me. Her lips were soft and warm and she smelled like powder.

I was tempted to just stay there with her soft arms wrapped around me. I pushed her away. She was completely unbalanced and once I realized she was going to hit the ground like a rag doll, I scrambled and caught her. “Shit, what is wrong with you?”

“Wrong?” Kerry said. “Oh, what could be wrong? I have you. I have Greg (her boyfriend). I have everything,” she said giggling and tried to kiss me again.

I put my hand over her mouth. “You don’t have me.” Her face was flushed and her head seemed hot. I put my hand on her forehead. “You are burning up,” I said to Kerry. “Are you sick?”

“Sick, sick, love sick,” she said, trying to plant another kiss on me. “Will you take care of me, my love? Maybe we should go in there,” she said and motioned suggestively toward the bathroom stall.

“Yes, you are very sick,” I said and shook my head. “Come with me.” I brought Kerry out to the front of the gym and asked the manager if Kerry had been sick. He took one look at her and asked me if he should call an ambulence.

Instead, we cabbed it to the hospital. Kerry put her head in my lap in the cab and cried. ” Do you want me to call Greg?” I offered, gritting my teeth. They had been together for a few months now and the thought of Kerry with this really nice jock made me sick to my stomach even though I was happy for her.

“Noooo,” Kerry wailed. ” You take care of me. You,” she said.

I grabbed her phone and texted Greg anyway.

When we got to the hospital we sat and waited fo a half an hour and then Kerry was ushered into a doctors office. I tried to follow, but since I wasn’t family they told me I couldn’t accompany her. I waited in the lobby until the doctor came out and told me he wanted to watch Kerry overnight because she had walking pnemonia and was dehydrated. He showed me to her room and told me that visiting hours would be over soon but that they would take good care of her, and I could probably pick her up and take her home in the morning if she was better.

“Hey sicko,” I said and entered The room. Kerry was in bed attached to an IV.

“Keep me warm and snuggle with me,” she said, scooting over so I could lay next to her on the bed. ”You know I always thought we were soul mates, but maybe soul mates are really not meant to be together,” Kerry said and nuzzled her face into my neck. One thing I did know about Kerry is she had little tolerance for alcohol and drugs, even pescription medication.

“Kerry,” I said uncomfortably and turned to look her in the eyes. Shit, I missed her. “Let’s not go there. We’re good. Ok?”

“Excuse me,” said an overweight older woman in a nurse outfit. She was eying me in such a suspisious way that I could have crawled under the bed. “Visiting hours are over so you will have to leave.”

“She is staying,” insisted Kerry. “I can’t sleep without her. I need her here. She’ll be real quiet and just snuggle under the covers with me. I promise,” Kerry said in a whoosy voice.

The nurse looked like she could spit fire. “Rules are rules,” responded the nurse.

I got up out of the bed and gave Kerry a hug. ” I’ll see you first thing tomorrow ,” I said.

Kerry burst into tears. Another nurse entered the room.  ” No. I don’t want you to gooooooo,” she said. “I fucked it all up, and I’ll never see you agaaaaiiin. AND I HATE HOSPITALS!”

The nurse looked at me and then at Kerry repeatedly. “What!” Kerry said. “I love her. Let her stay.” Kerry grabbed at my shirt and pulled me toward the bed.

“Kerry, I’ll be back tomorrow. Chill out,” I said calmly unhooking her claws. If it’s possible to feel mortified and happy at the same time that’s what I was feeling. “I’ll bring Greg too. I texted him so I’m sure he’ll be here soon and I’ll tell him to come pick you up in the morning. I’m sure he’s worried about you.” Where the hell was he, anyway?

“Where is Greg? Promise me you’ll come back before I wake up,” Kerry said.

“Okay. I’ll bring M&Ms like we always had for breakfast on Sunday. Calm down and go to bed,” I said.

“Okay,” Kerry said. “M&Ms….” Kerry said and yawned.

I left and bumped into Greg in the waiting room. He had flowers and looked petrified.

“We can come back and get her in the morning,” I explained. “I’ll meet you here at 7am.”

“That’s really early?” he started.

“Be there or be….whatever,” I trailed off and headed home where I found Cindy waiting with a six pack and pizza.

“You didn’t really  need to go to the gym anyway,” Cindy said smiling. “Come on, I have six dates this week, Jane has five, what does your week look like Ruby Tuesday.”

“Shut up,” I hated that nickname. “I have seven.”

“Did you double book this week?” Cindy asked.

“Yes,” I said blushing. - Ruby

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Tit for Tat

On this day after Halloween 2009, I must address an issue which has frustrated me for ages.  Last night, Nigella, her childhood friend Nicole, Nicole’s boyfriend Bo, and I headed to the West Village for Halloween festivities.  We have been feeling a bit too old to mingle with the post parade crowd, though decided to venture out, as Bo was visiting from out of town.  We visited one of my favorites, XR Bar.  It was here we mingled with Pacman, a few bananas, Charlie Brown & Lucy, and Vivian (Julia Robert’s character from Pretty Woman).  After leaving XR bar, it was time for some pizza from Arturo’s.  During our walk, not once, but twice, Nigella was felt up by random male passers by who felt obligated to touch my friend’s breasts, as they walked toward her in the opposite direction.  Another adventurous blue M&M grabbed hold of my arm as he walked by me and when I tried to break free he resisted until I stabbed him with my plastic devil’s pitchfork.  At 6′5 and an estimated 300 pounds, Bo is quite an intimidating bodyguard and though he was about to melt this M&M down to his peanut core, he couldn’t stop everyone from committing every offense.  Though why is it that three grown, adult women need a chaperone to protect against  losers who feel that they have the right to disrespect and take from women in such a manner?

Why do certain people feel the need to touch and grab other people’s body parts while walking past them in the opposite direction, if there is an attraction?  Walk by molestation has been a peeve of mine for quite some time.  I am truly sick and tired of this behavior.  I remember walking through The Tunnel as a young club goer in NYC, having my ass pinched, and quickly throwing an elbow to the suspected assailants kidney before they could make a clear getaway.  Just last March, I defended myself against another ass-ault by grabbing the culprit by the throat.

And no, don’t think that it’s only the men  touching women inappropriately.  I have had quite a few women commit pinch and runs on my bottom as well.

And the argument of a woman asking for such attention by dressing in a promiscuous outfit is purely bullshit as well.  No, we were not dressed in thong panties and fishnets, though if we were, there is still no right granted to anyone to touch another person without invitation.  I have always believed that if someone touches me inappropriately, license is granted to me to defend myself.  I asked Nigella why she didn’t slap the guys who touched her and she said that it all really happened too quickly to identify the person whose hand she felt touch her; like when this happens while riding the subway.

By the end of the evening (an early 12:30 am) we were all a bit tired of the crowd in general and hailed a taxi back to Nigella’s place in Astoria.  After the lovebirds fell asleep, Nigella and I finished off our lasagna pie slices, which we reheated to perfection (though they are amazing cold as well) and decided that next year we would keep the Halloween party at someone’s apartment so that we wouldn’t be harassed by idiots who wanted to solicit a party in their pants.  Ruby is always saying that we should host more parties; hmmm, I wondered how my roomie’s night was going.  “Nigella”, I said, “next time a blue M&M tries to touch me, I’m going to make him melt when I kick him in the nuts.” –Frankie