When you play with fire…

Kerry and I arrived at Cherry Grove in Fire Island Sat. afternoon.  Kerry let me decide where we should spend Memorial Day weekend, and I chose Fire Island because if I had any chance with Kerry (if she was the slightest bit interested at all) I figured it would be where  homosexuality was openly accepted.

We dropped our bags off at the Grove Hotel and headed out to the beach in our bikinis. I had packed a picnic in a backpack and laid it out on a blanket on the sand. Two  sandwiches, Sun Chips and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We stretched out in the sun, laughed and chatted.

At one point I was laying down on my side. Kerry reached over and put her hand on my cheek. She pushed me over onto my back and leaned forward over me. so she was looking into my eyes directly. They were like heavy and anxious, waves before a storm. I couldn’t help it.  She was too serious. I laughed and started to tickle her.  She fell on top of me in hysterical laughter. “Ruby,” Kerry started to explain and backed up after she caught her breath.” I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can. I… “

“I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to do,” I interrupted, laughing still. “Besides have fun, and I know that’s just about impossible to do with me.”

“That’s not the problem,” she said and smiled one of those smiles that just lit me up inside.

Later that night we went out to the bar across the hotel pool where there was a DJ playing music. We were dancing and singing Katie Perry when two girls came up to us at the bar.

“Hey ladies. Lovely evening,” an attractive but a bit intimidating butch said, “You with her?” she continued as she nodded toward Kerry.

“No,” I answered.

“Yes,” Kerry answered at the same time and threw her arm around my waist.  “What do you mean no? How long has it been honey? Six months?”

“Um. Well I’ll let you work that out,” the butch said laughing and left. Kerry glared at me. ” Don’t you ever do that again,” she said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Leave me hanging like that,” Kerry fixing her bikini top and the  sweatshirt she had over it.

“Whatever,” I said. “I wanna dance.”

We were both pretty drunk by this point. Lady Gaga’s Poker Face was on, the bar was thumping and Kerry’s hands were on my waist and back. My hands were around her waist and one was on her butt. I wanted her. I could feel her breath on my face. She ran her hand across my breasts either purposely or accidentally (I couldn’t tell which). My lips were on her neck. I went to kiss her neck, but she turned away and two other girls from the crowd came up to us and started dancing with us.

One of the girls was grinding against Kerry’s back and groping her from behind.  Kerry didn’t seem to mind and then saw me in front of her dancing with another girl, not as flirtatiously. It was like she had been launched out of a catapult. She was across the floor in an instant with her arms around my shoulder and waist, clinging to me. Her skin was soft and sweaty. “I want to go back to the room,” she whispered.

So we did. Kerry went to the bathroom for a very long time, so I changed into my pjs and hopped into one of two beds we had in the room and turned on the TV. When Kerry returned from the bathroom she hopped in the other bed and fell asleep fast. Too fast it seemed. I got out of bed and laid down next to her. She didn’t budge. When I woke up. She was already on the beach.

At breakfast I confronted her. “I’ve been thinking and I’d like to be with you,” I said. “I want to be with you too,” Kerry said. “But I don’t think I can do the lesbian thing and you are such a great friend. I don’t want to blow that. Can’t we just leave things as they are?”

I felt hurt and betrayed. How could I tell Kerry that I couldn’t be another minute around her wanting to kiss her? It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t even look at other girls because I felt like I was committed to Kerry. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her. “You either want to be with me or you don’t. It’s just that simple,” I stated with gritted teeth.

“Then I guess I don’t,” she retorted. “Even if I were to sleep with a girl it’d probably be with someone hotter than you.”

“Fine, glad we got that ironed out,” I said shocked and hurt. We took the next ferry back and drove home, but mostly in silence. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt tortured. I felt hurt and heartbroken too.  I felt duped and most of all disapointed. Kerry has called me every day since then; several times.  I haven’t called her back yet though. I don’t know if I will. – Ruby

Thing, Fling, or Dating?

I was feeling a bit guilty about being so frank with Ruby regarding her relationship…or rather thing, with Kerry; though as her roommate and more importantly her friend it is my job to protect her. She is going to be hurt, I know this. She and Kerry decided to plan a jaunt out to Fire Island together over Memorial Day weekend. I saw the hope for an exclusive lover in Ruby’s eyes and heard the denial of a beautiful disaster in her voice as she described their plans.

“Well,” I began, “You know how I feel Ruby. She is going to hurt you. Even if you do progress into something more than this thing that you have now, are you really comfortable with being an experiment?”

“I love her, Frankie, and I must risk my heart because right now this entire situation is destroying my sanity,” reasoned Ruby.

“That makes sense, I see your point. Though please be careful…remember what happened with Ellen and Anne Heche.” I warned.

“Yes, of course,” Ruby answered,“Ellen wound up with Portia di Rossi, that hot piece of ass.”

I laughed,”Again, I see your point! Well, good luck pursuing your possible almost lover or a hot piece of ass who will soothe your hurting heart. You know that I am always going to support you no matter the outcome. I am off to Brooklyn for a Costco run for this weekend’s camping trip.”

“Oh, that’s right, you’re going camping with your old crazy Staten Island crew. Wild on the Delaware River!! You better be a bit cautious as well, Mother Hen. Isn’t Tater going to be there?”, asked Ruby.

“HA! Tater. I haven’t seen him in ages. Yes, he will be there, though he has a girlfriend. You know that I am not down with OPP.”, I reminded Ruby.

Tater was a former…thing of mine. Just as Kerry was this indescribable thing to Ruby, it had been about eight years ago since Tater, or Paul, and I dated. Poor Paul inherited the nickname Tater when, as a chubby kid our friends decided that he resembled a tater tot. Yes, cruel then, though eventually Paul outgrew the excess weight and the cruel moniker, to become quite the cutie. He worked hard to win me over and did eventually, though bad timing kept us from a substantial relationship. Through the years, we would make out if we wound up at the same party…or camping trip…

“Riiiiiiiight.  There is no chance that he is single?  He is a player, though would make a great weekend partner for exploration within the forest,” Ruby winked.  “As long as those memories don’t allow old feelings to overcome your fun factor.”

I pondered Ruby’s point for a moment and concluded that I was jumping to conclusions.

My phone rang and I saw that Sasha was calling.  “What’s up Momma?”, I answered.

“Frankie!  You sound the same!  ARE YOU READY FOR CAMP KITTATINNY?!?!?!?“, asked an excited familiar man’s voice.

“Ta–Paul,” I corrected myself , “What are you…”

“Oh I am meeting you at Costco with Sasha and Derek”, replied my former flame.  “What is a true Kittatinny reunion camping trip without a pre-party Costco run?”

I thought for moment, looking at Ruby, who was performing an excited, my friend is hooking up this weekend dance, as I spoke, “Oh Paul, great minds think alike.  You’re a man after my own heart. I am leaving now, see you in a bit.”

“Great Babe,” he said before hanging up.

“Yes,” said Ruby, “it never hurts to have a bit of help pitching a tent.” –Frankie

Love Lockdown

Kerry and I went out again last night to The Galway Hooker– which is just a great name for a bar.  As for what’s happening with Kerry, I’m, well,  down right confused and quite bitter.

First of all, you might be thinking, well she’s bi-sexual so it’s no wonder she’s confused because she can’t figure out her own sexuality. In reality, that’s not the whole story. At least from my perspective. Mind you, Kerry and I always have a great time together because we are great friends, but our situation together is getting more confusing now that Country Club is out of the picture; for obvious reasons starting with my liquor cabinet and ending with the contortions  (mentally and physically) I put myself into over Kerry.

Yes, I have a crush on Kerry. A big one. In fact, I really am in love with her. BUT I didn’t sleep with Kerry while she was in my bed. I didn’t do anything, except well maybe pine and hope a bit that she would sober up enough to realize how great I’d be for her. However, she wound up stumbling out of bed and threw up all over my floor the next morning. So needless to say that’s not exactly what I had planned.

So for the past couple weeks I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what Kerry and I have. Is it a friendship or is it something more? I haven’t come up with much but here it is.

Con-relationship

• Kerry is straight.
• She dates men
• She has sex with men
• She says she can never be with a woman
• She doesn’t kiss me
• She doesn’t make any moves on me
• She flirts with guys

Pro-relationship

• She’s never been with a girl, but she was openly distraught when I started seeing Country Club
• She gives me free, private yoga lessons
• She practically lives at my apt
• She does my laundry
• She buys me clothing
• She reads my journal
• We talk openly about everything
• She talks about ” us” when referring to plans with friends
• We plan dinner dates every week
• She gets jealous of men or women that I talk to
• She wants to go on vacation with me
• She does not like it when I talk t0 other men or women in bars

O.K. well you might be wondering about the last one and why my Pro’s are starting to outweigh the cons besides the fact that I’m biased. (Those  cons are pretty heavy by the way). You might wonder why it sounds like we are in a relationship, but not having sex. I am too.

So we went to The Galway Hooker. Kerry bought me a beer and we started talking about work when this guy came up to us who wasn’t half- bad looking.

“So ladies, do you live in the city?” he asked, which meant he was a tourist, of course.

“Actually,” Kerry started, “I’m a missionary from South Africa and I’m here to visit an old friend,” she finished.

“For real,” inquired Sir Gullible.

“Yes,” I confirmed. “Absolutely,” and took a drink of my beer.

By the end of the night Sir Gullible was speaking quite closely to Kerry, and I was speaking quite closely to some random man half my age, whom I will refer to as Dude. When Dude tried to buy me a drink, twenty or so minutes  after Sir Gullible bought both of us one, Kerry decided it was time to go. “Thanks, but I think we’ve had enough,” she said and gave me a look that meant, ‘You are in trouble.’ Mind you, I had had two beers, and it doesn’t take much, but she was really overreacting.  She grabbed my hand, pulled me off the stool and started toward the door with me.

“Why?” asked Sir Gullible as he chased Kerry dragging me away through the crowd. He then attempted to kiss her goodnight.

As he tried to kiss her, Dude ran up in front of me even though I wasn’t going to impede on Kerry’s opportunity to meet available men. (I had pretty much resigned myself to the role of the friend at this point; even though I was unhappy about it.) So, Dude tried to kiss me goodnight.  I thought, well, I’ve been chatting with him and no one else is going to kiss me tonight so why the hell not? It doesn’t matter anyway. Does it? Apparently, it did.

Kerry didn’t kiss Sir Gullible, but stared at me while I gave a brief kiss to Dude in the bar. She grabbed my hair and yanked me out of the bar, “What are you doing?!” she yelled.

“What do you mean?!” I yelled back, startled.

We both stared at each other silently and confused for a minute as we walked in silence toward the subway.

“We need to plan that vacation together,” Kerry said and walked up toward me.

“Oh, well, do you think that will help?” I asked defensively.

“That might clarify some things,” she said. “Yes, I think. It would be good if we had some time alone together.”

“O.K. so let’s do it,” I answered.

Kerry and I went back to my place. She fell asleep in my bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was too wound up and sexually frustrated. I sat down in the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine with Frankie.

“I’m going to burst. I wish she would stop sending me all of these mixed messages,” I said. “I just really wish I could be with her.”

“I hate to say it girl, but in the end, you lose,” Frankie said while raising her wine glass. “Kerry is straight. I think she wants to be with you, but she just can’t. Honestly, I don’t know why. I can see she really, sincerely, loves you.  And I know you can’t be everything you want to be to her even though I bet you love her. But, here’s to you and Kerry anyway…and the others who will follow in both of your lives .” - Ruby