To ASSociate or Not to ASSociate…

On this evening marking  Barack Obama’s 100th day as president, I sit in my bedroom on my laptop looking back on my first nine days since setting my life back on track. I have no one to nurse, no one to worry about comforting, no one, that is except for myself.  This is my show…working with the hand that I have been dealt; which is much better than Barack Obama’s.  I have a job, an apartment, the most supportive friends;  I have a life.

The girls at RD Capital Partners welcomed me back and filled me in on the most recent firm gossip over lunch at Chopt.  Which VP was now married and may begin a family soon.  Which member of the accounting team became so drunk at last year’s RD Capital Team Conference that she fell into the bonfire; and then attempted to pick up one of the hot associates.  Oh, yes, and speaking of that particular associate, he was looking quite tasty according to Sarah and Kayla.

“Yes, Frankie you missed a bit.  I know you were a taken woman when you last worked with us, though Cole is now single as well”, smiled Kayla.

Cole was a cute, young associate who had mesmerizing blue eyes and golden blond hair, which was cut perfectly short.  Though I would serve as the assistant to a principal, another associate, and Cole, I had not yet seen this cutie.

“Why haven’t either of you chased him then?”, I asked.

“Well, I have my own guy who has been on my mind; actually I would like to ask you what you think.  I met a hot Aussie, which we must discuss…though after filling you in on Cole.”, said Kayla

“Yes, and well, I don’t date colleagues,”  Sarah chimed in.

“Ah, what a coincidence,” I began, ” neither do I.  He sits four offices down from my cubicle and if I am supporting him as his assistant, I can’t, well, you know…ahem…support him, um, in other ways.  We all remember what happened to those kids at the advertising agency, now don’t we?”, I said; barely finishing the sentence before busting out laughing.

“Stop that!”, pleaded Kayla, “We should make a pact so no one dies from choking on our food while eating and sharing funny stories.  Breathe, chew, swallow, speak.”

Sarah and I looked at each other and couldn’t help busting out laughing.  “Oh you are both perverts!”, yelled Kayla.

“We didn’t say anything, though you are obviously right down in the mental gutter playing with us!”, I accused,”Let it rain!”

Back at the ranch, er, office, sitting at my desk, I heard Sarah greet Cole, as he walked in.  He looked around the corner and saw me and asked,”Hey Frankie!  How are you?”

If the financial sector was suffering, then you wouldn’t know it by looking at him.  He looked different.  Same features, though much more attractive.  Much more…manly.  It may sound cliche, though was he working out more often?  He looked like he should be sailing on The Cape and spending summers at The Vineyard.  I could have ripped him from a Polo advertisement.  If  Helen launched one thousand ships, then Cole could certainly save the economy.

Kayla was watching from her cube, located next to me, and grinning to herself pretending to work on a partner’s itinerary.

“Great to have you back, Frankie,” continued Cole.

“Happy to be here, Cole,” I replied,”Quite fortunate actually.  Need help with anything?”

“No, I’m all set.  Thank you.”

I took him in for a moment longer than one should.

“Excellent,” I snapped out of it,”Well, let me know if you need anything at all.”

“Will do, thanks”, replied Cole, walking away with a smile that could light Times Square, and the bridges, tunnels…yes, you get it.

“Well you are a darker shade of scarlet, Frankie!”, observed Kayla.

“It’s the Irish skin…Kayla O’Rourke; you should be quite familiar with its tendency to burn,” I replied defensively and took a sip of my mango nectar.

“HMMMM,” thought Kayla”,…I wonder if Cole burns.  You know, last year Mack (a partner) held a barbecue at his home.  Cole looked smashing in his swim trunks…”

I spit out the tasty beverage and coughed furiously, as mango nectar shot out of my nose, “The rules still apply!!!!!!”, laughing.

No, this deal is definitely not bad…not bad at all. –Frankie

Punch drunk love

“Hey Frankie, what happened to that 12 pack we just bought,” I asked, while standing in the kitchen and staring into the fridge.

“Huh? I thought you drank it. I didn’t have one,” she replied.

“No, I didn’t have any,” I responded. “Who…?”

“Well, we bought it Thursday and I was out all day yesterday, except when you got back,” Frankie interrupted.

“And  Kerry, Cindy were all here yesterday so It had to be one of them. But why would they steal a 12 pack?”

“They didn’t. They drank it,” Frankie said and popped open the garbage can exposing 12 Corona bottle caps along with pizza crusts.

“How is that even possible?” I started to ask and climbed up to our liquor cabinet above the stove.

“What are you doing?” Frankie asked.”What happened yesterday, anyway after I went to sleep?”

“I just want to make sure,” and I said as I grabbed the anisette bottle. I smelled it. Someone had filled it with water. “Shit.  No.”

I climbed down from the cabinet trying to remember the past couple of days. “Country Club was over Thursday night. I went to bed early and he joined me later, but what time I couldn’t say. Then Kerry and Cindy were over yesterday…”

“Yeah, but you guys were already drunk when you showed up Friday and the beer was gone by then because Cindy and I were looking for it,” Frankie said.

“Really?” I asked shocked. “Country Club was up really late Thursday and he was acting weird. Maybe it was him.”

“It was Country Club. It had to have been Country Club. So, he’s history? Maybe what happened was for the best, Ruby,” Frankie said and started looking at the liquor bottles. “This one is water too,” she said and gulped a swig from a vodka bottle. “Yup. Tell me what happened? I’m dying to know…Hello?”

“Well…”I began, “Friday night….”

Kerry and I had gone out to RedSky with some of her friends from the gym and  met up with the guy she went on a date with. Country Club was supposed to meet us there later. We had already had had a couple martinis and were tipsy, laughing and dancing together when the guy she had gone on the date with (we’ll call him’ Hands’) walked up to us and started dancing behind Kerry wildly. It was almost as if he were grinding her from behind and having seizures at the same time.  She raised her eyebrow and grabbed my waist to draw me in close.

“Oh my god, help,” she laughed and whispered in my ear. We both started laughing hysterically.

“This one is all yours,” I said and winked.

Kerry, turned around and gave Hands a kiss on the cheek and stopped dancing, which immediately seemed to calm Hands down.  “Hands this is Ruby,” she said.

“Wow. Yeah, Ruby. Kerry said you were attractive,” he said creepily. Then he laughed and looked at Kerry. “I could take both of you to bed tonight if this one is O.K. with it.”

“Um. My boyfriend should be here soon,” I started feeling a bit awkward and weirded out.

“Ha. I don’t think you’ll have that option,” Kerry said  to Hands looking hurt and pushing him away.

He grabbed her waist. “Come on baby. I was just kidding.”

Cindy showed up at the bar that very moment (Thank God), and after a brief introduction to Hands, Cindy whisked me over to the side. We watched the two love birds interact or rather argue. “What the hell is that, and why do we have to be in a regular bar? I hate straight people,” Cindy said.

“Hey,” I started to respond.

“Shut up, you’re not straight. You’re confused,” Cindy said looking around.

“Yeah right,” I laughed. “Where the hell is Country Club anyway?”

Cindy and I started dancing together as we talked. “What the hell does she see in that dude?” Cindy said, laughing, and referring to Hands and Kerry who were now dancing together. He kept trying to feel her up as they were dancing and she kept removing his hands from her body.

“He’s vegan,” I retorted a bit jealous that someone was touching Kerry that way. “I don’t know. I guess he’s kind of cute for a guy. He’s a pig though.”

“A pig, you’d like to be right now,” Cindy said laughing. “Get over it, baby. And what is this fucking thing with Country Club?”

“I like Country Club. He’s my boyfriend and I am fucking him,” I said getting a bit mad at Cindy.

“Ewwwww. Man on woman sex is disgusting,” Cindy said laughing and put her arms around me and started dancing close and teasingly. “Come on. You know you like pussy.”

“Oh baby…” I said laughing at Cindy trying to look sexy.

I felt someone put their hands on my back, turned quickly, and felt relieved that it was Kerry.  She whispered in my ear, “I want to go back to your place and ditch the weirdo.”

“What you had enough?” I laughed. “O.K. Cindy will be relieved to get out of here too,” I said laughing.

Kerry spoke to Hands briefly before leaving and the three of us left the bar to go chill out at my apartment. I dialed Country Club on the way, but he didn’t answer the phone. When we got to the apartment I put on some music and Frankie joined us.  The four of us danced around to “Girls just want to have fun”. Cindy and I  pretended to be Hands and kept grabbing at Kerry.

“What a fucking jerk!” Cindy exclaimed. “I want pizza. What some?”

“I do,” Frankie said.

“I’m going to put on pajamas,” I responded and started stumbling toward the bedroom.

“O.K. We’ll be back,” Cindy said quickly, grabbed her coat and trotted out of the apartment with Frankie singing Cyndi Lauper loudly.

Kerry followed me into the bedroom. We were both tipsy and laughing. “I get the blue pajamas,” Kerry said going through my dresser drawer.

“Who do you think you are?” I said laughing and started to undress.

I was down to my undies when I turned around and saw that Kerry had also undressed and was laying in her underwear (a purple thong) suggestively on my bed. “Come here,” she said.

“O.K.” I said trying not to sound too excited even though I was ready to jump into bed and do what every she wanted. I grabbed the pajamas and threw them at her. “Get dressed. What do you want?”

She started to cry. “Awww. What’s wrong?” I said feeling stupid and pulled her close. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” she wailed.

God, she is really drunk, I thought. I’m really drunk, I thought. “Is it that guy? He wasn’t worth it. Especially not crying for.”

She giggled a little. “What’s wrong with me? These A-holes are so shitty and all I mean are A-holes!” she said sobbing again. I held her and listened. I could empathize. I had gone out with enough men to know that half of them were like Hands.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” she asked half sobbing. “Can you hold me?”

“Sure,” I said completely baffled. I wrapped my arms around her and she pulled the sheets up over us.  I was confused. I thought she didn’t like me this way. We lay in bed, the two of us. Just cuddling and Kerry softly crying. At some point we must have fallen asleep.

I woke up to a loud bang and someone shouting “Oh my god!” It was Cindy.

There was another loud bang and Cindy bolted into the room cautiously. “Ruby! What the hell?”

I looked at her confused until I realized what Kerry and I must have looked like. Her legs and arms were wrapped around my body and her face was in the pillow right by my face.  Kerry woke up and giggled a little. “Oh, who cares?”

“Cin. It’s not what you think?” I started to say. “We were sleeping…”

“Please,” Cindy who had appeared at the door and was glaring at Kerry. “I don’t care. Her boyfriend will care though! He’s crazy!  When Frankie and I came back, I came to get you, but I saw the two of you two in bed…so told her you guys had fallen asleep so we decided to crash and I grabbed the couch.  At around 3, Country Club started banging at the door. He was extremely drunk. I answered and said I wouldn’t let him come in, and he tried to get past me. He nearly punched me, but hit the door. I told him I would call the police if he didn’t leave,” Cindy said.

“Oh. Shit,” I said trying to free myself from Kerry’s clutches. “Did he get in? Are you O.K.? Where is Frankie?”

Kerry giggled and pulled herself closer to me. “Come on. You don’t need him or her,” she said and giggled again.

“You’re drunk,” I said to Kerry. “Stop it and go back to sleep.”

Kerry let go, turned over and covered her head with a pillow and sighed.

“She’s asleep. No. You dope,” Cindy said. ” I can handle myself. He left and started screaming at the door that it was over with you and he was done with you, and hated dykes,” she said.”He’s insane and a mess.”

“Something must have happened,” I said shocked and embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Something must have…” Cindy said looking at Kerry.

I shrugged and shook my head. “No…”

“Yeah, right. Well, I’m crashing on the couch,” Cindy said gesturing toward Kerry. “Have fun with that one. I’m never answering your door again. AND…” Cindy whispered, “I told you, you like pussy.” – Ruby

Did He Use the R-Word??

Time to buckle down. My savings is dwindling, it’s April 15, and I am hoping for The Fed to step in and save my inheritance; well TARP or the New York Lottery ($109 million?!??!?!). I definitely have a better shot at winning the lottery than relying on any government agency.

I am trying to find a job at a time when landing a job is a far greater feat than finding Jimmy Hoffa. And finding a job within publishing?   A move to the financial sector would probably be a better career choice!

My eyes feel like they are bleeding as I search Mediabistro and Monster.  After digging through STUFF in my apartment, I find my business card holder.  SCORE!!  Why am I excited?  Here I am sitting on my living room floor, various versions of my resume and cover letter scattered everywhere.  Another unfortunate soul added to the unbelievable number of unemployed New Yorkers.  “Yea, good luck Frankie,” I say to myself sarcastically.

Picking up my phone to ring my first and most helpful recruiter, I am shocked as it rings.  No name, though a familiar number, though not sure who it…hmmm…oh what the hell; I’m bored.

“Hello?”, I said

“Hey Sexy, how have you been?”, said the unmistakable voice of Adam

I giggled a bit, “I am…”, I thought about it for a minute, “I am OK; hanging in there.”, I responded. “Yes, tough times right now”, he added.  We chatted for about 20 minutes, which was strange considering our history.

Adam finally asked, “Frankie, I just returned from tour in Europe; would you mind if I came over?”

“Adam, I am not really in the mood.”  I had to admit, I was so, very, VERY sexually frustrated that the PETA people were going to be on my tail citing animal cruelty against my Rabbit.  Though, Adam no longer did it for me.  Sure, you can never truly know if a partner is telling the truth about their history however, having received an invitation to the bacchanalia changed my entire opinion regarding sex with Adam.

“Well, Frankie”, he began,  “I wanted to discuss something.  You are so easy to talk to and great to hang out with and I was wondering if you would…possibly…considering trying to move our relationship to another level?”

Adam never ceases to amaze me.  Is he for real?  “Are you for real?”, I asked without thinking.  I sounded like a complete asshole.

“What?  Oh, thanks, Frankie, that was kind of shitty”, he said, sounding hurt.

“I apologize, I did not mean to say it the way it sounded.  I am flattered, Adam, really, though I can never look at you as anything other than (this would be the perfect moment to save myself from that last emasculating jab)…my great lover who always came through and delivered in my time of need.”

“Well, fine that will do,” he said, “And uh, perhaps you have some single friends?”

“EWWWWW, you are gross; we are not into sloppy seconds ’round here,” I replied, while laughing. We ended our conversation, still as friends, though definitely no longer lovers.

Finally, I picked up the phone and contacted the recruiter.  She was pleasantly surprised to hear from me and sympathetic for my current situation.

“Linda, I will even take something in finance, I don’t need to return to publishing just yet,” I informed the perky little woman on the other end.

“So strange, though great news!  RD Capital Partners has an opening for an executive assistant; one of their girls is taking maternity leave–this could turn into a permanent position and great pay–$25/hour!  What do you say?  They always ask if you are on the market again and absolutely love you!”

I worked for the firm a few years ago while on the job hunt before I landed my last position.  What a great team to work with each day; I was in!  “Linda, I would love to!”

Sorry Adam, seems like some of us are gettin’ lucky today!–Frankie

Mastering the Scorpion Pose

Breathe, empty your mind and breathe, I was thinking as I practiced trying to achieve a scorpion pose. This pose was difficult, but it I kept my focus I could manage it. I closed my eyes.

My feet were over my head and I had my feet together.  I felt like my feet were almost to my head. Then I felt Kerry’s body close. Her hand on my back and her other hand slid lightly over my knee.

BAM! I collapsed.

“Damn it,” I said completely flustered and defeated, rolling over and laying face down on my yoga mat. I was now also very uncomfortably turned on so I shut my legs. I couldn’t help it around Kerry anymore.  My underpants became flood territory anytime she was near and in yoga pants it’s a bit risky.

“Shhh. Relax,” She stretched herself out over me and rubbed my shoulders. “Take your time.”

“Your not helping,” I said as my hormones went from zero to overdrive.

“Ruby,” she laughed and ran her fingers in circles  up and under my shirt on my lower back.

I tried to get up. “O.K. I have to go or I’ll be late,” I said a little annoyed.  What was this act? Was she lying to herself and I was lying to myself ? To protect what? Balance?

Kerry pushed me back onto the mat, playfully. “I have a date tomorrow night,” she said. “I can’t hang out.”

“OK. No worries. Anyone from here?” I asked with a twinge of jealousy as I playfully pushed her back off of me and sprung up.

“No. You don’t know him yet. I met him last weekend at that exhibition. He’s an artist and a vegan, and he’s so cute,” she said as she stood and went over to her grab her water.

“Yay! Where is he taking you?” I began walking toward the locker room.

“Dunno,” she said excited. “I can’t wait!”

We both opened our lockers and then looked at each other. “I’ll be right back. Watch my stuff,” Kerry said awkwardly and walked toward the toilet.

She had been acting a bit weird since I told her that I had feelings for her, but I couldn’t blame her if she wanted to push me away. I did have a boyfriend after all. She should be happy and she should date. This is a good thing, I said to myself.

I grabbed my towel and my things for the shower and undressed. Kerry came back. “Hitting the showers for Country Club?” she asked.

“Yes. I got to look good for my man,” I replied.

“That’s a shame. I like you sweaty,” she teased and reached toward my towel.

I pushed her hand away. “Ha ha. Well, I’m not sleeping with you, sooooo I better get going,” I replied walking away. “Bye bye, baby.”

“Bye, bye sweetie pie. I’ll call tomorrow. I’m heading home, “Kerry said.

Country Club picked me up from the gym and we went over to his place. It was purely a bachelor pad.

He poured some anisette into a pair of tumblers as I put in the DVD  The Dark Knight. There was still some uneasiness there from the last time we had been out to dinner.

He had taken me to the country club that he worked in for dinner. I dressed up and met his colleagues.  It was a little bit awkward and nerve wrecking because his friends, who were obviously all married and talking about their kids, kept asking us when we were going to get married.”Er. Gosh do they allow people to do that, anymore in this country? Isn’t there some proposition against it,” I joked.

After we ate  we retreated to a den with couches, which was beautiful. I was having a pleasant conversation with one man named Richard when Country Club abruptly pulled me away and started shouting at the man.

“Get away from her. She’s none of your business, dad,” he yelled.

“I just want to get to know her and you again,” he pleaded with Country Club. “You are impossible and she seems very pleasant.”

After the party, Country Club explained that that was indeed his father and that they hadn’t spoken in 3 years– ever since his mother and father got divorced. Country Club said his father didn’t usually attend events at the club, but must have felt compelled to since so many members of his family were there.

My reaction: “Say, what?!I just met your family?”

“Yeah, most of them. My brother and sister. Some of my cousins. My dad…”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before we went to the dinner?” I said completely humiliated and hurt that he hadn’t told me beforehand.

“Did you really need to know?” he asked and laughed.

“Yes! Hello. I would never introduce you to my family without telling you who they were? I don’t even know who at that dinner was your sister or your brother! That’s insane!” I yelled.

He drove me back to my place in silence. He called and apologized that later that night.

Now, Country Club and I were back on track, it seemed. I still felt guilty for not telling him that I had feelings for Kerry, but he wouldn’t understand it and it would only ruin what he and I had going. We cuddled on the couch as we watched the movie and sipped our nightcaps. I felt like I could finally breathe,at least momentarily, but I didn’t feel balanced at all. - Ruby

No Returns, No Exchanges, No Store Credit

I needed that girls’ night in at the apartment. My friends are like human emotional pillows and provided a never ending supply both comfort and  Ruffino; they are the absolute best. Though my girls were all chatty and seemingly happy, there had been this strange vibe between Ruby and Kerry.   It wasn’t the standard tension of that pining which Ruby had toward Kerry, No, it was as though Kerry was aware somehow and I couldn’t ignore the tension. I wanted to know what was up, though a sofa coffee session with Ruby must wait; Frannie strikes again.

She rang the next day to tell me that I must immediately come to Grandma’s house and sort through my boxes of STUFF. Surely, you are familiar with the boxes of stuff; they contain your communion/bat mitzvah dress, dance recital costumes…remnants of former boyfriends. Yes, those boxes of stuff which you see only when moving; to the dorms, from the dorms, across the globe, and then to the first apartment. My mother wanted to sell Grandma’s house and move to Florida…yes, you guessed it…with Bucket O’Slime.  She is crazy, does she even recognize that this is not the most ideal time to sell ??  No matter the excuse, there was not hiding it; I was disappointed, as I grew up in that house….so many firsts and now, apparently finals. This is part of the healing, right? Like Frou Frou sings,”Let go…there’s beauty in the breakdown.” For some odd reason I feel like I’m about to break like Linkin Park.

Kim was in town still and offered to come with me for support. A dear friend of mine, Kim is the little sister of my very first boyfriend. Kim and I were thirteen and eighteen, respectively when I met Al. I watched her grow from a mischievous, curious girl into a beautiful, adventurous young woman. Her brother was sweet, handsome, and totally crazy about me and we fell crazy in love. After 3 1/2 years, we grew up and apart from who we were and our perfect relationship. And though Al’s next girlfriend wasn’t too keen on the idea, Kim and I grew closer despite my break from her brother. Families of my other exes have wanted to keep in touch with me, though I was never interested and always wanted a clean break. Kim was different, we formed a truly pure friendship, which included a great deal of laughing, more than a few tears, and of course, memories to fill volumes.

Sorting through boxes, as I heard Frannie discussing meeting with many different real estate agents, Kim and I laughed at the Reebok Pumps, cassette tapes (yes, CASSETTE TAPES), and snap bracelets, among many other items from an ancient era. We came across a large shoebox, which Kim opened.

“Frankie! Did my brother write this??”

I took the frame from her hands and laughed, “Yes, Shakespeare in love; this poem was accompanied by a collection of Shakespeare’s love sonnets. I guess he conducted his research thoroughly  .”

“You were both so innocent, weren’t you?”, she asked.

“Yes, it was a sweet, perfect introduction to the world of dating”, I remembered fondly.

After a few minutes, Kim found yet another fascinating artifact from my former life. “Oh Frankie”, she said, “was this cousin Lana’s wedding?”

I took the frame from her hand and looked at the beautiful couple staring back at me. They were so young and fresh faced; it was the couple formerly known as Al and me. So strange, the young girl physically resembled me; I could barely recognize her.

I shook my head,”Yes, Kim…thirteen months before their divorce. What a shame, these young couples divorcing only a short while after sharing such a festive, beautiful union. Almost seems that being married for two years is a milestone.”

“You know, Frankie, I am cooking dinner for Al this evening. Why don’t you join us?,” suggested Kim, “I think he would like to have you over”.

Though I adore Kim, this amused me a bit. There was a time when I would have jumped at the invitation, convinced that I wanted him again, though it was at that time he married the rebound chick. Since then, they became part of the sad statistic; yet another divorce between two young people after maybe a few years, at most. I know our breakup upset the younger Kim, though was she now attempting to play matchmaker as an adult?

“Thanks Kim, though with everything still fresh, I feel it may be a bit too much for me right now. I really need my comfort zone. However, I expect a full showcase of your culinary ability when I visit! I will bring the wine!”, I said.

She smiled, “I know, wish you would come for a bit, though I understand,” she said giving me a huge hug.

After packing Frannie’s truck for the trip into the big city, I drove Kim to her brother’s house. “Have fun baby, safe travels, give a ring when you arrive home; I love you,” I told her.

“Thank you; love you”, she replied.

Sitting here among these crowded townhouses, in a small, overpopulated NYC suburb, watching Kim climb the steps of Al’s house, I inhaled a large breath of contentment. She turned and waved after opening the front door. For friends, I will always circle around often; for the boys I only come around once in a lifetime. –Frankie