Confessions of a bisexual woman

So the bomb had dropped leaving chaos and confusion behind. I had just confessed my love to a friend who could not possibly reciprocate those feelings. I didn’t feel broken, just stained.

“Ruby,” Kerry started.” I have those feelings for you too, but I don’t think that I could ever be with a woman.”

“What? But do you feel…” I started to say completely shocked.

“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think I could do it. I do feel something, but I don’t know if it’s right, and I can’t be. I just can’t be… I would let everyone down. Plus, the statistics of lesbian relationships actually working out is insanely small.

“But…” I started, again.

“Ruby, I always want to be your friend.  I always want to have you in my life, and it can’t be. I’m not that way. I can’t be,” Kerry said as I hugged her.

“Okay. It’s Ok. Then be my friend. Let’s cook some spaghetti,” I said unconvincingly and taken off guard.

“You have Country Club. Be with him, Ruby. Try,” Kerry pleaded.”He’ll be so hurt…”

” I am with him, Kerry. I am trying, but you want the truth. Right? So you have it,” I said.

I walked into the kitchen hurt and mortified. Then I dipped a fork into the pot of pasta and flung a piece against the side of the refrigerator. It stuck there. I turned around and Kerry was standing there watching. I grabbed the piece of spaghetti off of the fridge and threw it at her. “Catch!”

She jumped and just stared at me guiltily.

“What? I’m over it,” I said and started draining the pasta.

“I’m not. I’m…” She wrapped her arms around my waist as I stood at the sink, and started hugging me from behind.”I’m not…”

“Kerry. Stop,” I said and turned around. She backed away from me against the refrigerator. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just…” I started and looked down.

Kerry walked over and hugged me tight. Her blond hair in my face and her face burried in my neck. I hugged back.

We stood there in silence for a few minutes staring at each other. Our faces inches away. I waited to see if she would lean forward. She didn’t. Those blue eyes just swam sadly into my own eyes. I had to look away.

“I have to finish this dinner for Frankie. Are you going to help? I want you to,” I said.”I want us to forget that happened.”

“Forgotten,” Kerry said wearily. “Back to pasta and chicken tending.”

Frankie arrived just then. She threw her bag onto the couch and sunk into it.

“Hey stranger. Wine?” I asked.

“Vineyards worth,” she replied. “When are they coming.”

“You have 15 minutes or so before the festivities begin,” I answered

Kerry grabbed a few glasses and poured us all a glass of Chianti. She handed Frankie on first and then one to me. “To your grandmother. May we all grow up to be as bad ass as that woman was,” I said.

“Hells yeah,” Frankie smiled sadly. We clinked glasses and each took a sip. “Where’s your glass?” Frankie asked Kerry.

Kerry had poured herself a glass, but had left it in the kitchen. She held her hand out to me. I handed her my glass and she took a sip, leaving her lipstick on the edge. - Ruby

Dropping the bomb

“I think I’m in love with you,” I said. There it was. The bomb dropped. Now comes the mushroom cloud.

After weeks of  fantasizing about kissing and being with Kerry; and struggling with myself over the situation, I was confessing my love to her. It should have been simple.  I should have felt good, relieved, scared, nervous, excited; and instead I felt like I was betraying myself, Kerry and my boyfriend.

Yes, I had a boyfriend. It had all happened too fast….

After our first night together I thought I should end things with Country Club. I knew I had feelings for Kerry. The only problem was Country Club was too perfect. I really liked him, and for a first time in a long time I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could be in a ‘normal’ relationship. In other words– be with a man.  I could be straight again. So I thought, I would see where this went.

At Yoga, the day after Country Club and my first night together, Kerry pulled me aside after class.  “Soooo. You’re glowing, I believe.  Are you and Country Club serious?” she asked.

“Define, serious,” I said, shrugged and rubbed my shoulder,which was aching. “I dunno. I really dunno. I like him, but would we work out in the long-term? I dunno.”

“Follow me,” Kerry ordered, grabbing my arm, and started walking hand in hand with me toward the locker room. “It’s too soon to be thinking about the long term.”

“I know. I feel like he is very serious about this though. He was all lovey-dovey this morning. I’m not sure I want to rush into anything with him,” I admitted.

“Hmmm. He’s more smitten with you, then you with him. Then don’t. When are you supposed to see him next?” she asked and opened her locker.

I opened my locker. I grabbed my towel and flip flops and threw them on the bench behind me. “Tonight. You know I like him, but I don’t know if I need him in my life. That sounds well, mean. Doesn’t it? I mean I’m still at square one, trying to figure out if this is what I want.”

Kerry peeled off her shirt and her shorts and tugged at my shirt. ” Off,” she smiled coyly as I stripped down to my bra and undies. “Then tell him you don’t want to rush in. Be straight forward. He’s supposed to have balls. And he can’t read your mind, you know.”

“Thank God,” I said softly.”Sauna?”

“Now,” Kerry smiled taking off every last piece of clothing she had on. She wrapped a towel around her. Her body was flawless. “Are you coming?”

“Yeah, um, be there in a minute.” I wrapped the towel around me and started slipping off my undies without exposing myself.

“You look ridiculous. You are so not modest, Ruby. Stop pretending. Just take it off. Take it off. Take it off.” Kerry said. “Come on, hurry up or I’m going to have to pull those…”

“They are off so don’t get your tits all twisted, sista’.” I said slamming my locker shut. “You just want to see the goods. Can’t say I blame ya.”

“Oh yeah. Gimme a peak at those,” Kerry said and pretended to peak down at my boobs in the towel.

“Back off, baby,” I said walking past her toward the sauna.

“I love it when you play hard to get,” she teased.

That night, Country Club had me over his place and cooked dinner for me.  He had cooked chicken fajitas– mostly because we both loved sloppy foods –and he had tons of guacamole, which is just about my favorite food besides Ben & Jerry’s.

“So I really like you a lot Ruby and I want to get to know you better. I know you aren’t seeing anyone else now and I’d like to keep it that way.  I was thinking of maybe asking you,” started Country Club. “to be my girlfriend.

“Oh. Wow,” I swallowed. “Um. Isn’t it too fast?”

“No. Ruby. I really think. I know this is going to sound crazy and the last thing I want to do is scare you off, but I really think I’m falling for you. You’re just amazing,” he said.”I know its greedy, but I want you all to myself and I want to do this right. I think you could be The One.”

I turned red and for a second I considered running for the door. “Wow. Um. Yes,” I heard myself say. Did I just say that? This is what most girls dream of right? A handsome man asks you to be his girlfriend because he thinks you are it. The one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And when I sleep with him I fantasize about a woman. Shit. Of course I said yes, I thought. Kerry is straight. There is no chance. I might as well be happy and Country Club tries to make me happy.

That night Country Club and I made love and I tried my best to keep Kerry out of my thoughts.

Kerry came over for dinner the next day. We had decided to cook dinner for a bunch of Frankie and my friends in an effort to cheer Frankie up after her grandmother’s death.

The water was almost to a full boil and we were cracking out the spaghetti when the B-Word came up.

“Boyfriend?” Kerry asked, looking crushed. “Boyfriend?! I…I’ll be back…I have to pee.”

I was confused. This wasn’t the reaction I expected from Kerry. I threw the spaghetti in the pot, and then walked into my room where Kerry was reading my poetry journal.

“Who are these about?” she asked and sat on the bed.

I walked over and sat down next to Kerry. “Those I wrote when I was with Elizabeth,” I answered. “Do you ever miss her? Those are the most recent poems?”

“Yeah. I really haven’t been writing poems all that much lately and yes, sometimes I do miss her”

“God, you should write more often. They are beautiful,” she said and hugged me.

“Ruby, I’m happy for you. I really am,” Kerry said still hugging me. “It’s just I thought you wanted something else.”

“What?” I asked petrified. Maybe Kerry was interested in me after all?

“I mean I thought you wanted to slow down. I thought that you weren’t looking for anything serious,” Kerry said. “I guess I was wrong.”

“Oh. Well…yeah. Fuck,” I answered. “It wasn’t in my plans.”

“Ruby, do you see yourself with a man or a woman in the future?” Kerry asked. She was extremely close. I could feel her breath was on my cheek. All I wanted to do was hold her and kiss her –and most of all tell her that I just wanted to be with her.

“I dunno. I really don’t…I see myself with just someone I know I love regardless of gender.” Before I knew what I was doing I brushed her hair aside and leaned in to kiss her. She turned her head so I hit her just to the side of the mouth.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I think I’m in love with you.”- Ruby

Let Sleeping Ex-Girlfriends Lie

It happened. It’s over. She is gone. My true love and best friend. This house is filled with people, though it feels so empty. I know they are family and mean well (some of them anyway), though they don’t understand, as they are not me nor are they my grandmother. They were never in this situation falling within the dynamic of our relationship. In the midst of this bizarre whirlwind, I realize that I am left to finish raising Frannie…a woman, who at 52 is unable to figure out which is the routing number on her checks–yes, really.

I held it together through the entire process; didn’t cry once, simply don’t feel like anyone deserves to see it. Family is one thing, though my friends are the greatest; Nigella, Ruby, Sasha, Alexis; even Kim made it out from Arizona for our Irish wake. Thank goodness for Pamela who embodies the best qualities of both friend and family; she arrived one hour after the passing and has stayed around watching and helping me. Ruby and I discussed what I had been missing in the neighborhood and her latest kind-of-love-triangle.

“Kerry is extremely pretty and you seem to be perfectly matched mentally,” I reassured Ruby,”though the powers that be, and by The Powers, I mean Cindy, feel she is straight. Sorry Chiquita, I am certainly not able to judge; unless I am out with you at Henrietta’s, if a woman makes a pass at me and I simply think she wants to go shopping or have a day at the spa.  I am totally oblivious to female advances.”

“Oh please Frankie”, Pamela interjected ,”you’re oblivious when anyone hits on you. Ruby, I take this girl out down to Jenk’s, which is a friggin’ meat market, during the summer and she never notices when anyone makes a move…it’s actually entertaining to watch. In my opinion, Ruby, you should ask Kerry what her intentions are, because if she is anything like this one here (gesturing and rolling her eyes toward me), then you will be stuck on your sofa folding her new boyfriend’s boxer briefs.”

“Hey I resent that!”, laughing as I poured another Hennessy neat. Uncle Danny answered the ringing telephone as we girls continued laughing reminiscing in Grandma’s kitchen;  trips to Grandma’s sister, Annie’s house in New Jersey where Pamela, her sister Lynnie and I would play in the backyard for hours or planting tulip bulbs and wax begonias  to complement the daffodils; so many great memories. ..

“Hey, Frankie, phone for you,” he called.

“Who is it?”, I asked

“Dunno,” he replied, “some guy”, and he returned to the family room to join the others.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; would that dick really have the nerve to call me now? I text him earlier to tell him the news, not knowing if he would hear it from a superior nor if  he would care, though still couldn’t bring myself to call him when he asked. My comrades fell silent, all eyes on me as I rose and walked toward the waiting receiver.

“Hello?”, I asked rather than greeted.

“Frankie? Oh Frankie, Bunny Baby, it’s really you…I missed your voice…all I’ve wanted is to speak with you…I need you…I love you…”, said the voice on the other end.

“Ralph??”, I suddenly felt sick, and my friends mouths dropped perfectly in sync. “Oh Frankie, I need you please can we just talk for five minutes…I love you….I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU FRANKIE.”

“Do you even know what is going on here?? Do you even give a fuck???? No of course you don’t…you’re probably still coked up from five years ago, aren’t you?”, I asked, “My grandmother just fuckin’ died and you call her house during her wake asking a favor of me?!?! I despise you, never want to hear from you again…why can’t you just leave me alone??  Don’t go away mad boy, just go away.”

“Frankie, I changed, I swear on my mutha’s eyes…OK fine, I am a lil’ whacked right now…but really, I changed,” he pleaded, “I have a great job now and things have changed.  I’m doin’ good, real good.”

I had to rid myself of this flea…he is the most annoying little insect, that I have ever encountered…like a cockroach, he just will not die!  This was a risk, though I had to try it; no other method was successful in keeping him away.  So, this happened before Ralph and I dated, and it was only one kiss, though perhaps a little embellishment on the truth would make him leave me alone.  He and his older brother John (or Johnny Boy) were always in competition and Ralph’s envy could be my best weapon.

With the girls watching, not knowing what to do, I chugged the remaining Henny from my glass and breathed into the receiver, “Ralph, I can’t take you back…not after discovering Johnny Boy is such a better screw with much better equipment.  In fact, if you see him please pass along my number.  Thanks a bunch! Ciao!”

–Frankie

On killing Jenny Schecter and the tangled web we weave

Jenny Schecter

Sunday Kerry and I were still wondering who killed Jenny Schecter on L-Word and if there were alternate endings like in the movie “Clue” (unfortunately not, but there’s a fake Facebook page),  when Country Club called to see if he could come over and perhaps spend the night.

Kerry, who was doing our laundry (yes, mine and hers) at my apartment volunteered to leave.  “Whatever sweetie– no worries–have fun. I’ll be over tomorrow. I know you won’t let my clothes mold,” she laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

My date with Country Club a couple of weeks ago had been fantastic. He had taken me out to Zampa for dinner. It was a very intimate place so we got a bunch of appetizers, wine and even if Lindsey Lohan had walked into the room it couldn’t have stopped our conversation.  He called the next day and asked for a second date.

“Wow!” Kerry exclaimed at the time. “That was quick. I guess he’s really into you, which is great of course,” she said looking a bit concerned and distant.”Just don’t be one of those girls that disappears when you get a boyfriend. OK?”

“I couldn’t, if I tried,” I said laughing. “Besides, who would keep me in shape with horrific yoga routines?”

The second date with Country Club ended in a night of dancing at Son Cubano. After I knew he could salsa I decided that I was ready to be with a man again even though it had been a while since I had been with one. However, I felt a weird. What do I identify as then? Am I straight, lesbian, or bisexual like Alice Pieczecki, whose sexual identity was basically erased as the L-Word evolved? (Yes, ok. I’m still distrurbed by the last episode! Can you blame me?) Or was I  more like Jenny? An Unidentified Fucked-up Object. AHHHHH!

So Country Club came on over after the episode of The L-Word; knocking at my door with roses in hand. After some amazing kissing we drifted into the bedroom. But as I was kissing Country Club I kept seeing Kerry. I was fantasizing about Kerry! Kissing Kerry, and then Kerry well went south of the boarder…and when things started getting really hot and heavy I realized I was with Country Club, “Ouch! Oh…Take it easy.”

And then I drifted back into Kerry fantasy-land. Imagining it was her arms around me in a yoga position or an extension of one.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, my God. Are you ok?” I said.

“What? No. I’m not gay,” he said.

“Uh. That’s not what I asked,” I replied laughing and rolling off of him. “Oh my God are you?”

“No, no. It’s just my back. I injured it. I’m not gay or anything,” he said. “I think you are amazingly sexy, and I should be much better at this and I usually am, but I can’t even lift my arms over my head right now because of all those weights I lifted yesterday.”

“It’s okay,”I said and turned him over. “Let me rub your back for awhile.”

Country Club fell asleep as I gave him a back rub, and as I rubbed his back I realized I was hoping for an alternate ending. One that included Kerry. Throughout the night I mulled over and over it until the conflicted and complexness of my situation and my emotions errupted like thunder in a morning sky. - Ruby

Dr. Jackson and Mr. Dick

I never thought that I would ever be so happy to see this island again! No, not Grand Turk (though it was the most beautiful, unadulterated little sliver of sand); I am actually grateful to be at Grandma’s house… in…yes…Staten Island. After only a few days following our return to Deliverance country from the cruise, I had enough of PeeWee’s playhouse and demanded that we return to NYC with Grandma. Reasons to leave? Oh, where do I begin? I told Frannie what transpired between her scumbag boyfriend and myself.

She responded to my accusation only after consulting Mr. Wonderful,”Why do you want to destroy my happiness?? You must have misunderstood. He was only trying to show you how thankful he is that you left your boyfriend during the holidays and comfort you during this difficult time”.

“Oh yes, M-O-M, he showed me how grateful he is”, I quipped.

“Oh Frankie, please, you think every man wants you because you are pretty”, she accused and continued,”was he hard when he did this?”

I was stunned, motionless where I stood; did she really ask that question? “Well, you were never one to offer emotional shelter why should you start now?”, I stung the woman with my words. She glared at me, tears in her eyes, screamed from her gut and threw her phone, which missed me and smashed into little pieces on the floor.

Five minutes later I contacted JetBlue on my phone to change our flight and one day later we were returning to NYC, as a happy little family.

I am lying in bed in my old room, as Hospice prepares Grandma’s bed downstairs. She is in so much pain, her mind is deteriorating and we are unable to care for her alone.

Speaking of caregivers, where is Lucifer? The last I heard from him was Monday when he text me, simply saying that he missed my warmth. I left a voice mail prior to our departure from the airport in Fort Myers, telling him that we were returning early and I was hoping that he would make it out to the Island soon. I wanted his arms, touch; only to be held. I am so sick of crying over this impending emotional hurricane; to lie in his arms and fall soundly asleep for the first time in three months is the best medicine; nearly close to heaven.

I was drifting; only a light sleep, never anything substantial. My phone rang. It’s Lucifer. “Hey Sugar,” he began, “how is everything?”, his voice no longer soothing, almost bored and uninterested.

“We brought in Hospice for Grandma, this is not looking good. I am so tired, though unable to sleep” I replied.

“Sorry Frankie, that is sad.” Something in his voice was not right; it wasn’t the same soothing, warm song that I heard when waking those mornings in his Hell’s Kitchen apartment.

“Are you well? You never responded when I left the message telling you about our early return.”

“UMMM…yea, Frankie…I started seeing other people while you were away.”, He stated coldly.

What?, I asked myself and said, “YOU started seeing other people…after asking ME to be with only YOU?”

“Well, yes”, he answered matter of factly.

“Why would you do this to me…now…with my grandmother on her deathbed?”

“Well, we haven’t been dating that long and then you went away and I didn’t know when you were coming back. You were talking about running down to Panama later in the year and I can’t hold a relationship like that; it is unrealistic. You were being inconsiderate of my needs. I am sorry.” He was so insincere it felt as though I never knew this Dick formerly known as Dr. Feelgood

Oh, he was a mean bastard. I was so angry and tired which made me cranky; he roused this anger within me, a purging of all the shit that had accumulated in three months. “So you made the decision to end things about, what…a week ago, without me? And here you sit, you selfish piece of shit. You probably had a date with her earlier this evening.” He was silent. “Well, I hope you had fun, I may now rest soundly knowing that I am no longer wasting your sweet, precious time…here comes the click Dr. Dick”, I said and hung up.

–Frankie