Dr. Everything will be all right

There is nothing like visiting the gyno. Really.Unfortunately my gynecologist passed away so I had to find a new one, and fast.

The reason being there’s this guy at the gym who I started seeing and my birth control pill prescription has gone kaput.  We shall call him’ Country Club,’ and simply for the fact that he works at one. So in order to have sex, a gyno visit was a necessity.

Kerry helped me out of course. I really don’t know what I’d do without her. Have you ever met someone that just got you and knew what you were saying before you said it? Well, that’s Kerry. So when Country Club asked me out she said, “Wow. Anyone would want to fuck him. I hope you’ve got a full pack.” Of course, I didn’t. Eek!

So I told Kerry my story and after confirming that she wasn’t a lesbian, she recommended I see her gyno and called for an appointment for me, which was beyond nice.

I went to see Dr. G and you know what the visit is like…spread your legs…this may hurt…this is this…that is that…do you have a partner?….everything is fine…we will call you if anything unusual shows up in the tests. Well, Dr. G. finished by asking me back to her office.

“Everything looked great,” she said. “I’m a bit concerned that you don’t seem to have a consistent partner. Is there anything I can help you with there?” she asked and raised an eyebrow.

” Er…..no?” I answered, my mouth hanging open. Huh?

“Well, we might have more in common then you would initially think. It’s not easy out there and I know I have a kid, but I’ve never been married. My partner and I never got there,” she said

‘Is this doctor hitting on me in some sort of fucked up way?’ I thought

“Well,” she sighed. “Here is you prescription and if you need anything. I mean, advice…anything. Please call,” she said,turning away and then suddenly giving me a hug.

“Gee. Thanks. Dr. G.,” I said and walked out completely baffled, and well to be completely honest,  a bit mortified since I think she was hitting on me after looking at my, well…but I got the prescription and my date with Country Club.

I wasn’t sure I should tell Kerry, but I did. She looked kind of like she’d been hit with a baseball bat.

“No,” she said and hugged me. “I’m soooo sorry. I had no idea. I just…Well, wait a minute I don’t get it. Is that a problem?”

“Dude, I don’t care. Whatever. It’s actually kind of flattering I guess,” I replied and shrugged.

“Well, I really don’t blame her,” Kerry replied and touched my shoulder. “If I were into girls, I would be into you,” she said.

“Come on, stop it. That’s bull,” I started to say.

“For real. I’m into guys. You know,” she said looking directly at some sporty punk lifting weights. “Country Club is hot. I mean Hot! But if I were into girls…then it would be someone like you…Do you know what I mean, sweetie?” she asked, hugging me.

“Kerry, baby, if our lives were a book I think we’d be on different chapters,” I responded. – Ruby

Nothin’ Sez Lovin’

As Lucifer’s and my relationship blooms despite the cold winter, Grandma becomes more fragile and weaker daily. I don’t trust him, though I can’t ignore the temptation that he offers to escape this cold, barren garden of testing, treatment and pain. He is beginning to participate with the family and didn’t end our relationship after hearing my duet with Ruby at the Karaoke Bar; he actually thought that my raspy, off key rendition of Love Song was…cute (yes, I laughed as well)! He won over Mom and Grandma during dinner at The View, located atop The Marriott Marquis and then took me to Madison Square Park where he taught me to waltz in the crisp, clear night. After yet another evening filled with truly amazing, almost indescribable passion (I still can’t believe the human body is able to bend that way!), I had to leave him to join Mom and Grandma at the house in Staten Island. We were taking Grandma on that cruise which she always wanted to take, though never did, as she would say, “…there will always be time to go…”.   No time like the present, I say.

Before stepping onto that X1 again, I stopped to join Nigella for coffee at The Hollywood Diner. She and I discussed Grandma’s condition and then of course, Lucifer.

“Frankie, I am happy for you. You seem happy and he seems to be providing you with a distraction, as needed,” observed Nigella.

“Yes, here’s to hoping absence makes the heart grow fonder”, I toasted, tapping our mugs. “Right now I hope that Grandma has the greatest time of her life, as she has always wanted it. And I hope that I can survive two weeks at Steve’s.”

As our port of call for the cruise was Tampa, we were spending the evening preceding and two weeks following the cruise with my mother’s boyfriend.

“Is Frannie’s boyfriend that bad, Frankie?”, asked Nigella.

“I don’t know what it is. He never did anything to me and he seems to make her happy. He is pompous and arrogant…I must say, Nigella, can’t put my finger on it, though he creeps me out a bit.”

“Well, he does live in that tiny little southwest Florida town…can’t you hear the banjo strumming as you approach county line?,” she joked. “Perhaps he was inbred.”, quipped Nigella prompting me to spit out my coffee in a fit of laughter.

After rolling Grandma off of the plane and packing our things into Steve’s Dodge Ram 3500, we were on our way to his little town of Tice, where the center of the town is located at Bud’s General Store, where you may buy groceries, tackle and for the trusted locals, guns and ammo (no kids, not the publication). Back at the ranch, Grandma was watching television in the living room, Mom was nowhere to be seen and I was sitting in the computer room (which was dark except the light of the screen) surfing the Internet when Steve entered the room.

“Hey darlin’, I am just going to slide in here”, he said. I thought he was going to reach over my head for a pen or a sheet of paper. He proceeded to straddle the chair, lower himself behind me, put his arms around my waist (you know, the actual waist which sits just under a woman’s breasts) and pull me into him. I froze, wrapping my arms around myself above his tight hold.

“Remove your fucking arms, stand up and never fucking do that to me again” I calmly demanded. He unwrapped his arms, stood and failed to contest the accusation in my stare. I sat in shock for a few minutes. “Suck it up,” I told myself, “lock the bedroom door when you go to sleep this evening and keep your cool for Grandma.” I couldn’t believe that my mother’s boyfriend just tried to feel me up! My mother’s boyfriend just tried to feel me up as my grandmother sits in the next room watching television and Frannie, where the hell is my mother? WHAT THE FUCK?!?! EWWWWWWW…the only way to totally cleanse myself of this dirty feeling will be to soak in bleach…EWWWWW. I needed to talk to someone from home; someone who knew that this was not appropriate! Ruby, calling Ruby is the answer; she’ll know what to do, she is bright and in the closest thing to a stable mindset right now.

“Heeeellllloooo Chiquita,” she answered, “How is The Sunshine State treating you? I just stepped in from yoga and, Frankie, that girl is…Frankie? Are you there?”

“Uh, yea, Ruby…ummm…yoga, yes, she is a very pretty girl,” I tried, really.

“What happened Frankie?? Is it Grandma? Is she OK???”, Ruby asked

“Yes, she is fine; inside watching Jeopardy! as usual. Ruby, my mother’s boyfriend just hit on me, I mean really blatant, no question…”, I recounted the story.

“Jesus Frankie,” she finally breathed, “that is, so disgusting and disrespectful and…EWWWWWWW!! I understand that you don’t want to disrupt the plan or, please excuse the pun, rock the boat, though you must tell your mother what happened. Do it calmly and whenever you like before returning to Steve’s place after the cruise, though the sooner the better. It will be like removing a band-aid if you do it correctly; quick, painless and will leave only a slight, red mark. Though for now go inside and go to sleep, please, you are running on empty already”.

“Ruby”, I said, “I think I would rather take my chances and sleep out here with the gators”. –Frankie

Not gonna write you a love song

Since I broke up with Limp Dick about a year ago and started my saga back in dating I have been on more disastrous dates then I could have imagined.  Still I wouldn’t trade them in. My adventures over the past year have let me turn more corners and discover that the person I am and also that person who I want to be with has to be (let me not go all cliche on you) unique.  After all, I’d rather go on a bunch of bad dates then be as  sexually frustrated as Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Wouldn’t you?

Anyway, I recently joined a Equinox gym in dire hopes to work off my addiction to Ben & Jerry’s. I decided to try the Yoga class since it supposed to tone and help with focus, but all my mind could focus on was the instructor. Her name was Kerry. She was blond, blue-eyed and there was no way she could be into girls. Right?

We started off with a sun salutation. She did the move and then we repeated until she said stop. As I was saluting the sun she came over, smiling and winked. She didn’t say a word, but quickly slid her hand down my thigh and adjusted my legs and then  quickly adjusted my arms, slid her hands down to my waist and then walked away and went to the next person.

I felt like I had just been frisked by a seductress.

Kerry repeated this throughout the hour session. By the end of it I was soaked…With sweat, that is.

I was throwing my yoga mat in the closet with the others when she introduced herself to me. “Hi-ya! I’m Kerry! Thanks for stopping by my class today. You  know you are pretty flexible well balanced. If you would like to spend a little extra time I could go through some sessions with you so you are able to do more advaced poses. What do you say?”

“Well, I like the class, but I don’t really have the money to hire a personal trainer…” I responded.

“No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…I meant I’d love to just show you. No cost. Just for fun,” she said.

“Oh. Yeah. That’d be cool!”

So I went back the next day and had a private lesson. It was great! I was becoming a yoga master, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of teacher. It was OK though. She was straight, had just broken up with her boyfriend, and completely out of my league so I resigned myself to making her a friend.

Then during our third lesson, after Kerry taught me to do this headstand move, she grabbed my shoulders and started giving me a massage.

“Your t-shirt is kind of getting in the way. Do you mind if I take it off?” she asked.

“Oh, I guess not. I’m wearing a sports bra,” I replied and giggled a bit.

“Oh yeah, maybe I’ll try to convince you to take that off too,” she said laughing.

“Please. You really want to see sweaty boobs,” I said laughing too.

I turned my head and her face was right up to mine. We were both laughing. Then she stopped and touched my face and smiled. I was well flabbergasted. What did that mean? Could she be interested? No, couldn’t be.

“Hey, you know. It’s late and I’m supposed to meet friends over at this Karaoke Bar around the corner,” I started. “Are you outta here? Would you want to come?”

“Sure. That sounds fun,” she said.

We met Frankie, her hot doc,  Cindy and her latest fling and joined in the signing at a table in the bar area.

“Damn. She’s hot,” Frankie said to Cindy softly after Kerry went to get us drinks at the bar.

“She’s also straight,” Cindy whispered back.

“We’re just friends,” I said.

“Friends. You want her ass!” Cindy responded. “I can’t blame you, but she’ll slap you before she kisses you. Consider this your warning. You don’t want to deal with that again.”

“You got slapped?” Frankie asked.

“I kissed this girl in high school and she smacked me. I thought she was into me,” I said. “By the next week I was dating a senior guy.”

“I thought we had lost her for good,” Cindy said laughing.

Kerry came back over with a couple hard cocktails that she said were semi-low carb. They were super sweet and super strong.

Frankie signed me and her up to sing “Love Song” by Sara Bareiles. Frankie started off the song and I followed with the next verse. We sang the song like angry lovers to each other and the choruses together. It was off the hook. We got a standing ovation from everyone in the bar, including Kerry who kissed me on the cheek after we returned to the table. – Ruby

Abashed the Devil Stood…

Pamela and I searched the Internet for one hour after she sent the text. Pamela is the queen of investigation and surveillance; I swear that she missed her calling. When she read the excerpt from a 2007 med school bulletin, “…Justina Jackson, who painted the murals depicting regional…scenery, is the wife of Romeo Jackson, MD/MBA student…”, she could not stop searching.

“Did he ever mention anything about marriage…ever?”, asked Pamela.  I thought for a moment and replied,”We had a conversation last week, which we began by discussing the institution of marriage and then led to the subject of our parents’ respective divorces. He said that he doesn’t think that the ceremonial act of marrying is important and living together is sufficient.” “Frankie”, began Pamela, “perhaps he is divorced”, said Pamela. “No way, why wouldn’t he mention it during that conversation?”, I asked. “I am telling you Frankie, calling it right now”, Pamela continued, “He was married and burned…probably badly. No man is going to tell you that he thinks so casually of marriage unless he has been there in the past and it didn’t work.” “Don’t I have a right to know?”, I asked. “He may not be ready yet”, said Pamela, who was playing devil’s advocate. “Shouldn’t he have given me a choice; I don’t want to date a divorced guy!”, I complained.   “So then don’t date him Frankie; it isn’t a big deal. Plus, you are getting older, your pool of options is becoming smaller and soon, well they will almost all be divorced”, said Pamela. “Well doesn’t THAT sound promising. It can’t be true; can it? Don’t I deserve something wonderful? Why is it that they all have a fucking issue or fifty?”, I asked. “Yes, you do deserve the best, though perhaps you are taking this too seriously. This isn’t something that will directly hurt you; it isn’t an action that he is using against you. This is his; it is something that happened to him, if it did happen; if there is no longer a Justina Jackson who exists in his life”.

Earlier today, I took Grandma to her radiation treatment.  On warm, sunny days, I roll her up to the hospital in her  in her wheelchair, though today’s snowstorm made that quite difficult and we took a taxi. She marveled at the large skyscrapers as we made our way through Times Square and admired the tiny shops which line Ninth Avenue in Hell’s Kitchen. Watching her discover this life so late though still able to enjoy it was so amazing that I didn’t care when my publisher called, apologized, and told me that he had no choice but to lay me off. I expected that call for a few weeks, though I am not worried, as I will always survive. There is just no way that they could wait for me in this economy and I had no other option than to wait for Grandma, as she always waits for me.

While waiting for Grandma to finish her treatment session, I pondered divorce; Lucifer’s possible divorce, my parents’ bitter divorce, and the rhyme and reason for each. Dad had told me that he wanted so badly to make it work, though mom simply didn’t want that life any longer. She wanted to be single again and had no room for this man in her life any longer.  She denies that these accusations are true, though I have been fortunate enough to recognize the trends in her dating throughout the years. I now know that there is simply no way he could be wrong about her cheating heart.

Lucifer and I saw each other only briefly over the last few weeks, as Grandma needed me more and honestly, I was a bit disgusted and not ready to address this issue.  Tonight, I was determined to either coax some answers from him or simply end the relationship.  After dinner with the family this evening, I decided to meet him at the Angelika where we saw Doubt.  Hey, we are both Catholic high school survivors; one atheist and an infidel.  I was taking the night off from Hope Lodge and told him that I would spend the night at his place (well, we’ll see).  We started making out and despite my usually voracious sexual appetite and he being an incredibly adept lover (fine, yes, he is the best that I ever had), I was simply not in the mood.  We stopped at a PG-13 type ending and then lay in bed, as Feist softly hummed 1,2,3,4 in the background, when he asked what I want in a man and I answered, “Someone who is kind…from whom I may learn and…wants more from this life than what they are given. And you?”   He thought for a moment, so beautifully sad when he remembers his past and considers his future. “I want someone who is on my level; not necessarily regarding their choice of career or education.  I could love a rock star…or an artist or a bartender, in fact, my preference would be that they not work within the medical field.  They should want from life what I want.”   Could he have planned to provide a better segue for me to address this issue??  I thought for a moment and asked, “Did you ever think that you found her?”  He breathed deeply and I wondered if he would admit it…though what exactly was it?   Staring at the ceiling  he exhaled a “Yes…I was once married; though I am not…any longer.”  Still a bit stunned no matter how long I prepared, I asked, “Completely divorced? Separated?  Any children?”.  If he mentions children, then I am out of here.  “Completely divorced; it was finalized a year and a half ago.  No kids, I wanted them, but…”, he trailed off.  I turned my body toward him and said,”You don’t have to tell me the story, if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.”

He met my gaze and cautiously began, “Well, we dated for about five years and were married for three.  We were trying to have children; that is what I wanted…and thought she wanted.  She began having an affair with a colleague…and realized that she wanted him more, though made that decision before she realized that she was pregnant.”  I held my breath, though did not offer any further reaction.  He continued,”She said that she didn’t know whose child it was, though I, uh…I calculated…I know that  it was my child.”  I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply.  “And you said that you have no children now?,” I asked, trying to confirm what he was telling me without saying the words.  Apparently, he felt compelled to say the words, “Yea, that’s right Frankie…she aborted it…she didn’t want our child and she chose her lover over her husband.”

He too, bleeds…

–Frankie